Desire for retribution

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LoveNotHate
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06 Feb 2014, 2:51 pm

beneficii wrote:

bumble wrote:

Willard wrote:

beneficii wrote:

Ever since I was a kid and somebody crossed me, I always wanted the power to make them regret it.

But, you see, they won't ever "regret" hurting you, because they'll never acknowledge a connection between the two actions, and in large measure, they're right. There is no real connection, in spite of what you may tell yourself. Each negative act is an individual evil, no matter how you justify it.

If you do something to them, it may be due to their original sin against you IN YOUR MIND, but that's your imagination because your retaliation is not going to erase or 'balance out' the pain you're feeling.

In actual reality, it's just one human being (in this case you) hurting another for their own malicious satisfaction - making YOU the very bully that you hate.

The only solution to violence (physical or psychological) is non-violence. Nothing else will stop the endless chain of negative events. When you respond to hatefulness with hatefulness, you are only willfully absorbing the infection.

Ultimately, it's more satisfying to step back from the ugliness and let karma exact it's own justice. Your soul stays clean, and bad people always trip over their own tails sooner or later anyway, or step on the toes of somebody even meaner than themselves.

OTOH, don't take all that to mean that I'm telling you not to shoot someone who's trying to kill you. I don't recommend taking a fatal beating for the sake of principle.

Willard has a point there and retribution does just tend to fuel the nastiness.

Better to let it drop.

You can't just let it drop when the metaphorical jackboot keeps pounding your face.

Do you have PTSD triggered flashbacks ?

I have hyper-sensitivity to things that remind me of the abuse. They make me remember it.

Most specifically, if someone says I am dumb, ret*d or stupid, then it triggers a rage in me, because all my life people made fun of me for being "dumb".

I watched movie called, "America Psycho" and I could relate to the "psycho" person. This person had "triggers" that would trigger the rage.

I believe this scene best shows what I mean. A seemingly innocent business card triggers rage in the "psycho". The rage is so great that he wants to kill the person who reminded him of a past abuse.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMkcn0Vh-4g[/youtube]

thumbhole
Sea Gull

Joined: 5 Feb 2014
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06 Feb 2014, 2:56 pm

I understand why you feel that way.

beneficii
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06 Feb 2014, 4:34 pm

If I do not direct my anger outward, then I will implode.

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"You have a responsibility to consider all sides of a problem and a responsibility to make a judgment and a responsibility to care for all involved." --Ian Danskin

Sare
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Joined: 26 Dec 2013
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06 Feb 2014, 5:05 pm

Exploding and imploding isn't the best approach, so find a different method of expression for that frustration and anger. You need to allow yourself to feel what it is you're feeling through to completion and without judgment. I tend to journal or exercise or meditate when I missed an opportunity to be assertive.

What sets off my own justice-seeking behaviour is when I allow someone to over-step the bounds and do nothing about it when I feel discorded in the moment. Usually it's fear or overwhelm that holds me back. Because I didn't honour my feelings in that moment, my 'retaliation' is my minds (ego) way of trying to 'blame' the other person for how I am feeling. It's an attempt to relinquish my responsibility over my emotional responses (my hurt/pain/shame). It is my attempt to make the other person feel an equal measure of (or more) pain to that which they brought up in me - an eye for an eye. I may also go into self-blame for not doing something about the 'injustice' I experienced. I beat myself up about it. Or sometimes I may do both - I have self-blame and blame the other person for the hurt/pain/shame I am experiencing. There is a trigger (sore-spot) somewhere that people are able to push to get you to react in this way. If there was no sore-spot you'd respond in a more neutral manner.

So, if I were in your position I would use these 'trigger-moments' as opportunity to try to figure out what the underlying causes (core-theme) for the anger are. Self-reflective practices are useful (there are different self-reflective tools you can use). There are probably numerous experiences that follow a similar thread. And there will continue to be experiences that create a similar response. Why do these peoples actions hurt you so much? Once you're able to identify the 'theme' it's easier to change the pattern, so that you can respond instead of react to situations.

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I have thrown "normal" out the window.

beneficii
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06 Feb 2014, 11:15 pm

Sare,

I have been, but it still isn't enough. I must acknowledge my anger, my sense of betrayal and injustice, and yes the betrayal and injustice against me and people like me have been great for far too long.

In a way I feel like Frodo did in LOTR when he expressed exasperation at his fat, happy fellow hobbits, hoping they would be knocked out of their lull.

_________________
"You have a responsibility to consider all sides of a problem and a responsibility to make a judgment and a responsibility to care for all involved." --Ian Danskin

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