Need advice for my 16yr old AS daughter

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Thx everybody. We have an emergency meeting with the councilor tonight at 6pm. She asked if she can go running for an hour of so. My wife and I thought it would be OK, perhaps much of this is penned up energy, frustration, anger, etc. She is taking her phone with her and we gave her an area we wanted her to stay within though we are not sure if that was wise. We are deciding what are appropriate boundaries to set for her and what is not. We live in a rural area.

We are thinking of pulling her out of her dance class as she mentioned that it was causing some extra stress in her life. We are thinking of looking into say a fitness gym or kick boxing/karate, etc. I think we need to find an activity for her to channel years of penned up frustration. I think by letting her go running for an hour is a show of trust that she can still be alone at times now without having us hover over her which might make it worse.

Again, thx to for your support. Glad your here.

Willard's post is very true.

It is of vital importance that she has a balanced and positive view of AS. If she grows up with such a profoundly negative attitude to it, she may end up like some of the totally miserable, defeatist Aspies we have here on WP, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I would not pull her out of dance class because she mentioned it was causing her some stress. Unless you were to learn there was something dreadful going on you don't want her around. Losing familiar routines when one is overwhelmed can be problematic. And at her age, she'll likely be sensitive to having you take over.

Hope things are looking better.

I am not an expert at any of this but here are my thoughts.

Don't throw things AT her - I mean this figuratively. Don't throw the doctor at her, don't throw diagnoses at her, don't throw test after test at her, etc. etc.; she isn't a car that needs repaired. She's a human being, your daughter. Walk this walk WITH her.

ASK her how you can help.

I understand that she is still a child and you are still the adults, so there has to be boundaries and such, but show her the respect she deserves. It's ok to insist that she talk to someone - but let her have input on who SHE is comfortable with, if you have any choice in who you see.

It's ok to express that you're worried she may be depressed, but for goodness sake don't just shove pills down her throat. Let her talk to the counselor and let them come up with a plan together. Maybe she's depressed because she is terrified of a diagnosis - drugs aren't there answer there, understanding is. Maybe medication IS needed - who knows; but I think you need to let her be involved in those decisions and learn how to guide her journey. She's old enough to understand that. Perhaps the counselor can talk to her and show her how "knowledge is power" and learning more about herself can empower her.

Knowing that you have enough confidence and faith in her to allow her into the process (instead of sending her to her room and making decisions on her behalf) could also work wonders.

Clearly the actions towards having her "tested" have triggered something in her, you need to get help to understand what that is, and that means someone she can open up to and talk to.

I think you might be over reacting to this if you are talking about putting her in a psyche facility.
I had self harm issues and suicidal thoughts earlier this year and just got therapy for it.
A large number of teens on the teen help forum im on have the same issues.
My autism and depression are separate, but one effects that other.

I hope it works out for you. As a parent it's hard to not always have the answers when stuff happens with our kids and I'm sure you're doing the best you can for your daughter. Just remember you know her better than anyone here and you have her best interests at heart. I'd agree with people who have suggested getting professional help in. Also, if she has a good relationship with her brother, maybe you could suggest she discuss some of her fears with him as they're close in age.

Thx to all for your advice. We went to the movies last night, then spent the evening talking. She is opening up a bit to us. Therapy is something we don't throw at her, rather strongly encourage it as a method of helping her down this past, especially at this time in her life.

There has been some big changes this past year in myself and my son's lives, whereas earlier we resigned our membership of the religion we belonged to. My wife also no longer attends and my daughter hasn't attended in a year or so other than some activities here and there. I asked her if this depression was linked to this and she admitted partly. My son who also has AS wanted out and nothing to do with the religion. So he and I resigned which in this religion (Mormon) is a bit of a process. HE had been hounded constantly by leaders and kids in this church to return, but he could see right through their motives and when he did go a couple years ago, it was hell for him as he didn't feel like he belonged at all. I have long despised the religion so the decision I made was for he and I to resign so there would be no contact and my wife and daughter stay for now. While this move my have impacted my daughter a bit, or at least triggered some of this depression, my son is doing much better and it seems to have been the right thing to do for him.

Before we did this, we sat down as a family and discussed it. At the time, she said it was OK what we did but maybe it wasn't perfectly OK with her and she might be slightly angry about it. But that is done so if that is part of the reason for her depression and anger, then it will have to be resolved through therapy. I am not going to reverse this and watch my son fall into the same depression.

Now, one point that did come out last night where she opened up to my wife... was she, while very shy, and has not been on any dates, she apparently has an potentially huge sex drive developing in her, but being very shy, and and introverted, she thinks that this will never be satisfied. When she goes to her dance classes, I guess, it becomes a huge issue with her which is why she has expressed desire to quit dance. Not sure what to do with that issue. I know I was much the same when I was young, huge sexual impulses and too shy to chase girls. I went nuts. She will have to work with my wife and the councilor on that one.

Also, last night, she is saying she is somewhat resentful to us because she feels her needs are not being met. Well, we said, if that is the case, we need to continue to sit and talk, find out what those needs are and discuss what we can do to change if meeting the need is appropriate. She says she wants to be more noticed by the family, friends and yes, boys, but she doesn't know how and is mostly terrified she doesn't come across very well at all to others. She is a very beautiful girl who just has some hygiene issues which can be worked through. It is like she wants to be a model (and she could) but just doesn't want to try and mostly doesn't care to change much.

I thank you all again. I think having her discuss some things on her mind will improve things.

It is very good that everybody is talking.

I can only generalize as I do not know her or you but some of her "issues"and your reactions to them are not uncommon. As you know about yourself and with two AS offspring change is very difficult for us. As far as sex drive it seems to be very low or very high. Because we tend to know we have problems getting along we will say yes to things we do not want to do in a desperate effort to be liked. The non-objection to the religion change may have been about pleasing you.

I noticed you comparing her problems to the ones you had. It is natural to do that in an effort to relate to what another person is going through. It would a mistake to to compare her to her Aspie brother or yourself. Aspergers presents very differently in females. Also as we say if you met one Aspie you have met one Aspie

As a pervasive condition what seems like one problem may be caused by something else. To the outside what may seem like a lack of trying is an executive function issue(s). What seems like shyness even to the person themselves is a sensory sensitivity/over-stimulation issue(s). I would ask her if anything at home or in school involving noise, touch, lights, smells, taste bothers her.

If therapy is decided upon it is very important that the person is an expert and knows how it presents in females differently. As this is all relatively new many general psychologists do not know about it, only know the stereotypes of it they see in the media, or deny it exists.

She is welcome here. If there is a support group for teenagers with Aspergers in your area that is an option. A lot of us find it very liberating and comforting to know there are people similar to us. Through others experience we find things that were mysteries to us or that we saw as character flaws now make sense.

While am I am writing about her a lot of what I have written may apply to you. As a father she has to be the priority. But you got to take of yourself to take care of them. As a man we want to do it all ourselves, but this Aspergers thing is a complicated business. We have adult life section and a work and job section.

http://healthland.time.com/2011/12/27/m ... spergirls/
http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php ... -aspergers

Good luck to you all