Toxic mother?

Post Reply New Topic

The teacher didn't know, I don't think. The kids got more sneaky about it and would tease me when the teacher wasn't paying attention to them, like when she was helping one child on the rings or another piece of equipment while the rest of us were watching and waiting our turn.

I don't know if your mom is toxic or not. She seems to be overprotective, jumping in to save you.

A lot of times, people assume you are looking for a solution when you talk about stuff. She seems to be that type of person. Maybe talk to her about it after you calm down, explain that you don't want her to help, just to listen? I have had to set boundaries with my mom. Otherwise she would drive me crazy.

I agree and I don't think my mum is toxic. I love her and think she's wonderful and has the patience of a saint to put up with me. From your story , OP, I don't think your mum is toxic either, though it's not a lot of information on which to base a judgement.

Mothers are human and humans are fallible, we humans make mistakes.

I had a mother up until I was about ten or eleven, who was very neglectful.

She only had her own best interests at heart and the more I was in trouble with the police or the neighbours she found it entertaining.

She would encourage us to go out fighting and steeling, and if I was ever upset or if I felt like I was being bullied, she would bully me twice as much. So being bullied outside the home felt like a walk in the park.

She used to use my older brother as a punch bag and she would get him to use me as a punch bag.

When I got expelled from school, she wouldn't go to the meeting so that I could go back to school.

Needless to say I got took away and put in childrens homes.

She was a f*****g weirdo. But I don't know if she was toxic.

The thing is, is that I actually really loved her, she adopted us, but I knew no different. I thought the way things were was just normal.

Maybe I'm missing part of the whole story. I get that your mom called the teacher and shared the information, but it's not like she marched into the school and announced it over the intercom, right? So...how did your peers find out?

It is a teacher's responsibility to keep personal information like that confidential. Not condoning helicopter parents or anything, but this sounds like the teacher's (very serious) indiscretion, not mom's.

Yes, it's normal for parents to do this and teachers are not supposed to share it with the whole class. Not without permission. Unfortunately that means they aren't able to explain it to other students then so they will understand if they show ignorance about why the kid is getting "special treatment" or why he is acting the way he is. So the teacher has no way of standing up for their student except telling them to be quiet.
Parents also tell teachers about their child's disability.

You have the "many people [who] see through her facade".

Not to defend her, but to examine what is driving her behavior so that you might better understand it: given that people think there is something "wrong" with AS people, perhaps your mother fears that it is her "fault" you're this way. It could be that she feels like she's failed because she cannot "fix" what's "wrong", and thus cannot interact with you due to her own sense of guilt.

Either way, I'm sorry you have reason to believe she does not like you. Perhaps one day the stars will align and the two of you will connect. I wish that for you.

As someone's child, it's one kind of pain to know my parents love themselves more than they love me. As someone's parent, it would cause me a great deal of another kind of pain to learn I had behaved in such a way, for so long a time, as to cause either of my sons to think that I didn't like them and didn't care to know them. They're neat people, we have many common interests, I enjoy being around them and hearing about their pursuits in those interests we don't have in common, and I love them both very much. Plus, they get my jokes.

Feeling like we have nobody goes with AS. Every time you need to argue that point with yourself, remind yourself: you know about WP. That right there proves you do too have somebody. A LOT of somebodies!

Based upon this one instance, I wouldn't go so far as to say "toxic". If I were in your situation, I would feel as though my mother had just undermined me, as an adult who's capable of handling my own affairs.

As I am new here, I am not familiar with your story and do not know where you live. However, if you are in the US, there are very, very strict patient privacy laws. Unless you have signed the appropriate release, or your mother is your court-appointed guardian, or your mother is your "general" (or "durable") power of attorney, NOBODY who's involved in ANY aspect of your medical care should be discussing your file with her. Period.

What she did regarding the exam when you were in school may have been handled poorly, but was within her scope of authority and responsibility as a parent.

At 33, you are of an age where AS was on the radar when you were in school. If you are an American, I'm surprised you didn't have accommodations in your IEP that addressed your need for an accommodation with regard to taking oral exams.

Either way, if you don't want it to happen again, you need to talk to your mother about this when you are calm.

Keep it about the current situation, not personalities and not past events. Use your "I" statements. Explain to her that "venting" does not equal a request for her to act as your intermediary, and respectfully request that she not do this again in future.

Review your files with your healthcare providers; if you have signed a release for them to talk to your mother, do what is necessary to revoke it. If she's your court-appointed guardian, you'll have to go to court to request another one and have her removed. If she's your power of attorney, you can have it revoked.

I don't discuss my business with my parents, and have learned to be very careful as to what I vent to them about.

I'm sorry this happened, and understand why you're PO'ed about it...I would be, too. I hope you get it fixed, and you can have a good relationship with her going forward.

When I opened this thread I was really pissed off. I had to vent, because it sounds like an anecdote but it's just the tip of the iceberg. She really has a knack to talk to me as if I was 9yo, in public places.

I'm not American I'm from Belgium, and over here Asperger isn't even on the radar TODAY, let alone 20 years ago. It's still perceived as one of those "diseases" that people make up to seek attention.

I think it's a typical aspie situation where a simple complain is misinterpreted as a "request".

What did your mother do exactly that she considered fixing? Just wondering whether she did anything that's useful, though I understand you didn't like how she went about it. Or whether she made things worse for you. Might make a difference in what you do next.

I think she shouldn't have certainly without your asking, but that the best way to change what she does in the future is to react differently than you have in the past. If you usually are nice, you could try being more negative. If you usually yell at her, you could just saying ok. If you usually have a long discussion, try keeping it very short.

Your mother does not sound toxic, but even for toxic parents, keeping things short and not going into too much personal detail, not letting yourself need from the parent who is not giving much good can make a difference.

It was not through my mother, I'm afraid a few teachers participated in the bullying. I was awkward as hell and the teachers HATED me. I was picked on, laughed at... I was certainly not helped by anyone at school. Thinking back I feel that the way my environment dealt with my situation or condition was not normal at all.

Do you feel your mother is making fun of you, or treating you like a child but has genuine interest in and love for you? I think what you do depends on this as well as whether you feel she can change her behavior or not.

She treats me like a child but love me, she just doesn't realize how harmful her behaviour is to me.

Another example: my brother is schizophrenic, he has a hard time bonding with people, having normal relationships. My mother CAN'T help telling absolutely everyone that her son is schizophrenic, making it even harder for my brother to have a normal relationship with people, or to outgrow or "forget" about his condition (he is treated with meds, so he is just "normal awkward") because, obviously, people's react to him as if he was "insane", are either scared or overcompassionate toward him; he looks kinda normal otherwise.

Got it. The loving but not getting what you want person is very frustrating, but I do think by trying different responses you can change what happens. If you think she is loving and wants to feel loving and loved, giving her a better direction for how to be helpful sometimes works over time. But as people have said, you have to pull back on sharing when you feel emotionally overwhelmed if it is too hard for her not to jump in and try to fix it. Some people can understand if you tell them you're just venting and don't want anything done beyond expressing sympathy, or helping you sort through what you want to do. If she can't, you do have to pull back to change things.

As I said, I'm new to this forum and not familiar with your story or location. My apologies if I offended. My intent was to convey a tone of "*if* you are American, then these factors would apply..."

Ask your mother to not do it out of respect for your personal boundaries. You're an adult and do not need her to run interference for you.

Furthermore, you're an adult and you are allowed to have preferences. If you didn't "mesh" with this professional, you're allowed that. I still don't grasp why she thought it was okay for her to call their office and smooth things over for you, and I would still be pissed off about it (because that's how I work).

I agree with those who've suggested that you become extraordinarily careful about what you vent to her, and don't allow her to be so involved in your life. It's not easy, but it's possible.

My parents' attitude toward me is not "she's a child." It is "she's mentally unstable and utterly incapable of making good decisions." They can't say I'm stupid, and they can't say I'm a child (I married at 18 and have two children who are now in their 20's). So, they say I'm crazy. The fact that depression is one of my co-morbidities does not help the situation at all. My point being: I understand your frustration with the situation.

Putting constraints on their presence in my life was one of the most difficult things I've done, because they were pretty involved. However, it is one of the best things for me. It put an end to their continual "Gaslighting". I didn't need to be close to people who told me I couldn't "do it right" and wouldn't ever be able to, so I should just go on disability and let them handle my money for me...like I'd be raking in the dough with a public disability benefit + child support (which ended when my children were 18 ) + my divorce settlement (which I put together on my own, btw).

Thanks, but no.

I ignored them, finished my degrees at age 38, and with the exception of one 4 month period when the US economy collapsed, I have held a full time job for the past 7 years. Before that, it's not like I didn't do anything...I was an at-home mom, I held several part time jobs, and worked 20 hours per week after I returned to college (university) to finish my degree as a mature student.

Thank you for your response. It goes a bit deeper than I put on here. She is driven by negativity and fear and tries to put it into other people. It rules her life and she tries to convert me to her way of thinking all the time by dismissing my feelings and interests and trying to convert me to hers. She tells everyone about my AS and makes me out to be disabled and that I am a burden to her. She convinces other people that I am a burden. She tells everyone that I am very reliant on her which is a total lie. She is a compulsive liar and will twist things so that blame is placed on me or my AS is 'highlighted'. She tries to diagnose bad people with AS which implies I'm a bad person. I am really not a bad person. Talking to her does nothing because she will lie to me about everything.

I really do have nobody. I cut out people IRL because none of them listen to me and I think why bother. Its less draining to be by myself albeit very lonely. I feel like I am my only friend because most people don't care.

I know what to do to get out of it and am doing it but I am just scared. Its true I have WP somewhat but most people here dont care either.