Depression .....

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Yup I've had depression for as long as I can remember depressing really.

You want to know about my depression? I'll say this before anything else: trigger warning.

I've dealt with bouts of depression for a long time now, ever since I was a kid. When my feelings are hurt or something goes wrong, these feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, and self-loathing sweep over me and I don't know how to stop them. I feel like everyone in my life secretly hates me, is disgusted with me and just humoring my existence. I feel like I was meant to be alone and suffer. It's easy to fall back into that, because part of me has believed it for so many years.

In the world I grew up in, nobody understood my problems (including me) and few really cared. All they wanted was for me to fit in and be normal, which I was never able to do. So I just quit trying--made friends with other children who had conditions of their own, then even they drifted off and now I have no one but my family. How can I not be depressed? As an Aspie--or Autistic or whatever the proper term is--I shut down not only because I'm overloaded with information and stimuli, but because I have to lapse into anhedonia just to keep functioning at times. There are days when I can't even cry, no matter how much I might want to.

I guess I'm about as bad as I can get without physically harming or neglecting myself. The anxiety and social phobia make the depression worse; because of those things, I lose the most practical coping method of simply being out in the world and keeping busy. I don't seriously consider suicide, but at the same time it's a comforting thought that I could simply end all this if I wasn't so afraid. I guess you'd call that ideation.

I'm convinced that I don't belong in this world and there will never be a place for me. I try not to let these feelings come out in my behavior and hurt the people around me, but even if I don't say anything I often feel disgusted with how they live their lives. I am baffled by NT's who have the health and confidence to just go out and do anything--and seeing how they squander that gift by taking it for granted. They seem to run around like windup toys, making meaningless noise, oblivious to the reckless and dangerous patterns they are spending their lives in. At least I can see mine. Because of this, I can't really hate or envy them, but I can't admire them either. I just try to ignore them and go home.

Did I mention it's my birthday today? And a very happy one as you can see.

For what it?s worth Evil Chuck, Happy Birthday. Your words described something I couldn?t.
I didn?t know about the black dog metaphor until recently. I hate depression. Relatively speaking bad days just blend in with the other losses

...Some have argued I'm clinically depressed ~ I'm homeless , and totally poor and have this " get-an-amputation , sez Doctors " illness .........