How many Asexual/Aromantic Aspies here?

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17 Mar 2014, 2:33 pm

I'm asexual and aromantic!
People don't seem to understand though. They say to me, "Oh, don't feel bad. You'll find your special one soon."
I won't - because I don't want to. I don't want to have a relationship, and I know I'll never be ready.
I don't feel bad actually. I feel happy.

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GiantHockeyFan
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17 Mar 2014, 3:48 pm

Looking back, I was clearly almost asexual and aromantic throughout my teenage years even though I've liked girls since as early as I can remember. Growing up, I even preferred the company of girls because I could not understand why boys talked so much about such a gross activity. I never developed any 'romantic' feelings until 20 and any strong 'sexual' feelings until 28 with my first GF at 29. I wasn't even sure what sex really was until 28! Now, even with a below average sex drive I tend to act like a horny teenager to the point it's embarrassing. Unfortunately, that means I greatly lack experience and knowledge that's expected at my age and people misinterpret my actions as that of a weirdo. I just didn't go through that 'horny teenager' phase and missed out on all that learning and am rapidly trying to catch up.

Verdandi
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17 Mar 2014, 5:07 pm

XFilesGeek wrote:

I'm asexual and aromantic.

I hate being touched, I don't "bond" with people other than a few close friends and family, and physical and emotional intimacy grosses me out.

Oh yeah, sex is overload material. I don't enjoy it at all. I also currently don't have much of a sex drive, which I am perfectly okay with (and it is not caused by a medical condition, as I had someone try to convince me this was so in a previous discussion).

I would say I am "gray queer romantic" and asexual.

MJJost
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17 Mar 2014, 10:46 pm

I would say I'm asexual (though I have a sexual drive, no "normal" sexual attraction to others) and romantic. I have dated and love to do romantic things like little love letters/crafts, though I wonder if this is more of a "special interest" I am pulled into rather than romance (or both- still learning about Aspergers and how to explain things). I have unfortunately told one of my girlfriends I find cuddling "a waste of time in life." I now realize that was harsh, but given that she argued for it but didn't show too much of an emotional reaction to it, I didn't then... oh gosh... My girlfriends tend to subside into close companions, though I can put up a good front of romance/cuddling/etc. in the beginning, which even fools myself... but in the end...

Verdandi
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17 Mar 2014, 11:35 pm

ouroborosUK wrote:

I think it is because sexual orientation and gender identity are ig important issues in the NT social games, and many of them will somehow intuitively follow the social expectation about them more than their own personal preferences. Autistic people are usually more honest (both to themselves and to others) with their feelings.

I am not really sure this is the case. I've spent a couple of decades trying to understand my orientation. I was pressured into sexual activity that I thought was normal and thus should be what I wanted and figuring out it wasn't and asserting boundaries caused a rather big argument with my ex. Even then I didn't have it all worked out.

You are correct about stigma, though:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wit ... x-asexuals

Quote:

In a recent investigation (MacInnis & Hodson, in press) we uncovered strikingly strong bias against asexuals in both university and community samples. Relative to heterosexuals, and even relative to homosexuals and bisexuals, heterosexuals: (a) expressed more negative attitudes toward asexuals (i.e., prejudice); (b) desired less contact with asexuals; and (c) were less willing to rent an apartment to (or hire) an asexual applicant (i.e., discrimination). Moreover, of all the sexual minority groups studied, asexuals were the most dehumanized (i.e., represented as “less human”). Intriguingly, heterosexuals dehumanized asexuals in two ways. Given their lack of sexual interest, widely considered a universal interest, it might not surprise you to learn that asexuals were characterized as “machine-like” (i.e., mechanistically dehumanized). But, oddly enough, asexuals were also seen as “animal-like” (i.e., animalistically dehumanized). Yes, asexuals were seen as relatively cold and emotionless and unrestrained, impulsive, and less sophisticated.

When you repeatedly observe such findings it grabs your attention as a prejudice researcher. But let’s go back a minute and consider those discrimination effects. Really? You’d not rent an apartment to an asexual man, or hire an asexual woman? Even if you relied on stereotypes alone, presumably such people would make ideal tenants and employees. We pondered whether this bias actually represents bias against single people, a recently uncovered and very real bias in its own right (see Psychology Today column by Bella DePaulo). But our statistical analyses ruled out this this possibility. So what’s going on here?

If you’ve been following my column, you’ll recall that I wrote a recent article on what I called the “Bigotry Bigot-Tree” -- what psychologists refer to as generalized prejudice. Specifically, those disliking one social group (e.g., women) also tend to dislike other social groups (e.g., homosexuals; Asians). In our recent paper (MacInnis & Hodson, in press), we found that those who disliked homosexuals also disliked bisexuals and asexuals. In other words, these prejudices are correlated. Heterosexuals who dislike one sexual minority, therefore, also dislike other sexual minorities, even though some of these groups are characterized by their sexual interest and activity and others by their lack of sexual interest and activity.

This anti-asexual bias, at its core, seems to boil down to what Herek (2010) refers to as the “differences as deficit” model of sexual orientation. By deviating from the typical, average, or normal sexual interests, sexual minorities are considered substandard and thus easy targets for disdain and prejudice. Contrary to conventional folk wisdom, prejudice against sexual minorities may not therefore have much to do with sexual activity at all. There is even evidence, for instance, that religious fundamentalists are prejudiced against homosexuals even when they are celibate (Fulton et al., 1999). Together, such findings point to a bias against “others”, especially different others, who are seen as substandard and deficient (and literally “less human”). “Group X” is targeted for its lack of sexual interest even more than homosexuals and bisexuals are targeted for their same-sex interests.

On this forum in a previous thread about asexuality, one member rather aggressively tried to convince me that my asexuality was a medical problem that required immediate treatment.

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18 Mar 2014, 12:07 am

I really love this place!

Jennylynn9
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18 Mar 2014, 11:23 am

I really hadn't given it much thought before, except to notice that I didn't have a preference between males and females but I guess that I would consider myself to be borderline Asexual as well. It's a very rare occasion for me to have any physically intimate feelings toward someone and usually they only goes as far as hugging.

Hopetobe
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18 Mar 2014, 2:52 pm

I´m asexual.

Aromantic in a sense you mention? Not really. But I can barely fall in love.

marshall
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18 Mar 2014, 8:11 pm

I'm a male. I'm 90% asexual but not aromatic.

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18 Mar 2014, 8:16 pm

Yeah, I'm Aromantic and Asexual plus also a Fetishist so I've got that going for me

I'm also on AVEN if people want to know.

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marshall
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18 Mar 2014, 8:39 pm

ouroborosUK wrote:

I have seen many more people describe themselves as asexual on those forums than anywhere else. Well, maybe it is also because people here are more honest and don't fear being rejected for expressing that. But it still seems to me that asexuality is much more common among autistic people than in others.

I am not asexual and I am happy that way, but that makes me curious I'd like to understand how you can be. Sexual attraction for other people is a weird thing and I understand you can not experience it. I mean, there is no "reason" for sexual attraction and it seems completely random ; some people are attracted to women, to men, to both, to tall people, to short people, to fit people, to curvy people, to various hair colors or features, to everyone, to almost nobody, etc. There are plenty of people I am not attracted to and I can understand the idea of that feeling just extending to everyone.

But on the other hand, sexual activity is highly pleasant, and it seems normal to me that you seek what is pleasant to you. So even if you are not attracted to anyone, what I don't really understand is how you can not desire some sort of sexual activity (even solitary, fantasised or otherwise). Do you desire or engage in such activity but simply find other human beings not attractive ? Or do you not experience sexual pleasure (I imagine some sensory issues can lead to that) ? Or is it just that you focus on other things that you find more pleasant and sex just is too bothersome and complicated for the satisfaction it can bring ? Or something else ?

Again I am just genuinely curious, not making a judgement about anything or anyone

I think I'm a gray asexual. I understand sexual attraction. I even have my own standards for what I find attractive. It's just that I don't get that feeling in the genitals just from thinking about naked women or sex. I don't even get an erection from watching porn. It's just like "eeeww gross". The only thing I have is random fetish-type thoughts that happen when I have the urge to masturbate. These days I rarely even do that though. I'm on a ton of anti-depressants that have pretty much killed any genital feelings. Sorry for mentioning "adult" things, but you asked so....

The hetero-romantic feelings I do get are more like warm affectionate feelings, sort of butterfly feelings in my chest. I'm not aromatic. I've had random "crushes". I never bothered to date until last year (I'm 33) because I was too ashamed of being abnormal. Maybe it's just my depression, but lately I've been feeling like I'm missing out on an important part of life. The stereotype that asexual people don't like affection or emotional closeness irritates me because I don't fit it. I'm not emotionally "cold", at least I don't want to be. I don't know if I should give up on the idea of "falling in love", but the thought of being single and living alone for the rest of my life scares me.

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18 Mar 2014, 9:16 pm

quote="ouroborosUK wrote:

Yeah, I remember a long time ago, there was a Wrong Planet poll that found 40% of all respondents consider themselves asexual despite research indicating 1% of the general public. The poll also showed slightly higher than average considering themselves LGBT. I can't find the poll despite searching.

You could say Asexuality is common but still a minority, put into perspective Autism is 1% and 40% of all autistic's are asexual, it is still a very small number, the poll had over 3000 respondents I think, but that's just one place on the Internet and can't represent the general population. That is only poll statistics and shows no causation without more thorough scientific research

I think it looked something like this one http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp4524586.html&highlight= But I think it was more extensive I think...

Rojin_san
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30 Aug 2017, 4:35 pm

I am asexual but not aromantic (somehow). therefor its very hard... I'm ganna lose people i like ... Its frustrating to like someone but not being enough for them.

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30 Aug 2017, 4:48 pm

I am absolutely asexual. I've never felt any desire to have any sort of sexual interaction with anyone. I'm not sure if I'm truly aromantic or not. I sometimes have a desire for cuddling, but with both participants fully clothed, and never anything more. I find even the thought of anything involving one's genitals repulsive, and also having someone else's tongue in my mouth (kissing). I can find people's appearance pleasing to the eye, but it never makes me want to do anything with them. When I desire a close relationship with someone, it's more along the lines of wanting to be close friends with them.

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30 Aug 2017, 4:52 pm

As long as you don't trick anyone into a relationship.....being asexual is cool. The problems start when your partner is led to believe you want sex.....

I think with the right partner, all of us have the capacity to be sexual. Finding the right one which will work with our sensory issues is not easy. Trust me on that.

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30 Aug 2017, 5:26 pm

HistoryGal wrote:

No one has ever shown any romantic interest in me, but if they did, I would absolutely be very up-front about the fact that I really don't want sex, since that's a major thing for me. It's possible I could tolerate having sex if it was something my partner really wanted, and it's also possible that once I tried it, I'd end up loving it, but it would take a very long time of getting comfortable with the person and building trust for me to possibly try it. Sensory issues aren't my only problem there. I'm also extremely self-conscious, and would have to have complete trust in my partner to stop if I say that I really don't want to continue - I hate feeling trapped into things. Plus, I just have no desire, so I'm not really motivated to overcome these things.

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