How to teach child self defense ?

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My brother admits that there is a problem and was profusely apologetic about the whole incident. The kids started coming over every Saturday for a few hours, so my son can get some exposure to NT peers of the same age. But I see now - within a couple of months actually - that this is probably doing more harm than good. Both boys are EXTREMELY HYPERACTIVE and aggressive. They hit each other all the time and play rough. I did gently try to tell my brother that he may want them "checked out" (just in case) but my SIL won't hear of it. She thinks that I am just a jealous relative who is mad that my kid has autism while her boys are NT. Errr.... Well, no... But whatever floats your boat, SIL.

I did let my brother know that this may not be a good experience for all three kids. I don't know what he is thinking or if he is even "allowed to think anything" by his wife, but if this happens next week, I am canceling these play dates. My son may be nonverbal and delayed quite a bit, but he is a sweet child and I don't want him picking up his cousins' aggressive tendencies. I think I have enough problems already.

Last edited by HisMom on 06 Apr 2014, 7:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Hi, interesting thing is that my nephew fled the scene as soon as he realized that I was in the room and had witnessed the incident ! That tells me that he KNOWS that it was wrong to hit his cousin, but did so anyway. My brother yelled at his son when I told what had happened but this was a couple of hours after the incident so I don't know if it was any good to reprimand the child much later. I do think though that I should butt in and tell Nephew off right away if this ever happens again for my son's benefit (not for his cousin's).

Thank you, I hadn't thought about that !

I think cancelling the playdates at least for now is a great idea. Perhaps it will even make your SIL think again. I am sure you can find other kids that can play with your son and be very sweet and gentle with him. You might even think of contacting a local pre school and getting to know some of the moms to see if you could set up playdates that way.

Sounds like your nephews are lacking some discipline in their home. That is the first place I would start. SIL may be a bit deluded in her sense of reality. I am not saying that to be mean or disrespectful but she might not really be able to see how her kids really are. She may have rose colored glasses. I don't know if I am using that saying correctly but that is the saying that came to my mind.

When I got hit as a child, I never did anything. I didn't understand why someone would hit another person. It didn't make sense, especially if I hadn't done anything to make the person mad. I did not want to hit anybody, even if I was mad at them. I was confused. I don't remember if I tried to block the punches or not. Probably not. I am not too fast at reacting to stuff. I also never really made much noise if I got hurt, never asked for help. I also have a high threshold for physical pain, pretty insensitive to it. I probably reacted exactly like your son.

As an adult, if someone hit me, I would try to seriously hurt the person, teach them a lesson to never put their hands on me.

I have no idea what the appropriate way is to teach a child self-defense. My dad tried to bully me into learning how to fight. Every time he got drunk, he would taunt me and try to get me to hit him. I never would. I didn't want to hit my dad. I thought that was against the rules. I also didn't understand why my dad was being so mean to me. I rebelled by consciously becoming non-violent.

Somehow I learned self-defense. When I was a teenager, I got into my only fight. My best friend hit me in the face, so I started pummeling him in the face. Nobody better hit me in the face. I will do the same thing today if someone tries to hurt me. I also have no moral qualms about shooting an intruder is they come into my house. I don't think I would try to kill them, but I would try to disable them if I could, teach them a lesson. My parents didn't teach me self-defense. From personal experience growing up, I learned that the world is a dangerous place, and people will try to take advantage of you.

I agree with keeping the brats away from him for now. Even leaving aside your son's reactions, they sound incredibly obnoxious.

When I was a kid I was very good at going inward and tuning out of the real world in response to such stuff. I don't know why, it's was just my natural reaction.

When I was older I at some point realized that people were doing those things knowingly and willingly to cause harm or distress. That was a notion that was so alien that it never occurred to me until then. But when it did my sense of justice/anger when white hot. I was still pretty inhibited though, which kept me from getting into too much trouble.

And, luckily, in my teens I got tall and broad shouldered (I have a frame that makes me look more muscular than I really am), which reduced the in-the-face bullying a lot, though the behind the back stuff stayed the same.

I wish I had a good answer about what to do. The marshal arts does sound like a good idea, even if for no other reason than to break down the barrier of physically interacting with people. I didn't like being touched, so I didn't touch other people -- and that created a problem with responding physically. (Putting up even the smallest show of resistance seems to stop bullies in their tracks, IME.)

And, maybe try to let him know that people do try to intentionally hurt you sometimes -- that they don't care about your humanity at all -- and that you don't have accept that behavior from them.

And because he is still so little, like you mentioned, I might be concerned about him eventually imitating that behavior. And he has other issues that he is dealing with and you are trying to figure stuff out with him like we talked about in your other thread so I think that keeping them away from him is the best option. There is no need to add more stress to you with this.

It is the responsibility of the parents to keep these things from happening. Seperate them. Fighting fire with fire is no answer. Your kid is a tough boy. He may not understand what is happening, or know what to do. It makes me wonder what these children are watching on t.v., video games, or family life. those kids found an easy target, at a young age. We don't need more bullies in the world. Your boy could turn on them someday, believe that it is normal, and things can get real ugly. It is a bad thing alright. In reality, the tougher one is always better off. I know. People should be fortunate that I have been submissive. Sometimes.

As far as martial arts is concerned. In the wrong hands, that is a problem too. If you get the right teacher, and you know what, and how to do things, you better not! This is not the movies, or the tap out guys. One has a script, the other has rules.

From my experience, either kids or adults, humans usually know they're doing something wrong. The fact Nephew does what he does is no consequence of Son's condition (him being in the spectrum). Nephew sees someone "smaller" (aka less capable of defending himself). Even if Son is more vulnerable than an NT kid, I'm not surprised Nephew fully understands the consequences of his actions.

My father hit me since I can remember. It was weird when I started going to school to hear my parents say it was wrong. Even more weird one time when I got bullied by another kid: my father went to his mother (the kid had no father) and told her "your boy doesn't hit my girl, if anyone hits my girl it's me".
Perhaps someday I will need to explore my memories and deal with my childhood in a sofa with a therapist. It probably messed me up. Not that I have the notion I got messed up or even the thought of it upsets me. It should make me angry, or sad or something I guess.



That's the part I remember more clearly: not understanding. The whole thing was very confusing.

That should be confusing. You're in the right frame of mind on that one. Abuse was more acceptable the older time goes back. It was never really right. Sometimes I have gotten angry, because now that I am older, I have wanted to do on to others, because of what they have done to me. Now that I can actually fight back, it is wrong to do so. The abusers cower, and it is the wrong thing to do. It used to be infuriating.

Punks.