Is it possible not to care what other people think?

Post Reply New Topic

I don't care what anyone thinks. I can just sit here and worry about what someone could be thinking and that would drive me crazy and make me be housebound because I am so worried about what people are thinking or of my parenting and dwell on what they could be thinking. But that doesn't mean I want to hear it. They can think whatever they want, I just don't want to hear it.

I agree we all do care what people think to a degree because if we didn't care, imagine what the whole world be like if none of us cared? There is such thing as caring too much what others think and caring too little what others think, most of us (everyone than just ASDs) are in between.

My ex boyfriend cared way too much what people thought it affected him and affected me so I didn't let it affect me but it bothered him with things I did and that was why it affected him and my other ex didn't care too much what others thought of him it made him an ass and he didn't care if he embarrassed me or acted the way he did. Then he would say "I thought you don;t care what people thought?" But yet he did care to an extent because he would whine about people being afraid of him over his trench-coat he wore and I could have said to him "I thought you didn't care what people thought" just to turn it around on him he did to me when he said a bad word at cabaret at my old high school. That was so embarrassing and some people actually gasped and there were people there that knew me because it was a small town and he just didn't get why it was so embarrassing for me and because he didn't get it, he didn't care and thought I was being so weird and sensitive. Yeah so there is balance in between caring what others think and not caring what others think.

I care WAY too much! I have read that one of the advantages of getting older is caring less. For me. the reverse is true. When people don't like me,they almost inevitably start liking me even less. Why? Because I go WAY beyond my usual annoyingness to try to get them to like me. I suspect it is because of the way I was raised much more than being Autistic.

I probably care but never express it.

DevilKisses – If I understand the question correctly, there are some people that you must care what they think of you, simply in order to survive in the world.

Take, for example, an employer. If you want to keep a job, you may want them to think of you as being hard working, dependable, competent, etc.

I care insofar as I don't want to attract confrontation, aggression or any other form of attention that puts me on the spot and intrudes into my happiness. I learned fairly early on that when you follow the rules and work hard, you get more time to yourself and get left alone to indulge in sensory seeking, solitary activities and interests.

But social anxiety type worries about what others think of me never seem to cross my mind.

Conversely, until my early Thirties I had issues (pretty bad ones in my teens) going to the toilet when others were present, I was never consciously worried about what others thought though (in fact as a small child, even though I wanted parents out of the room when going on a potty, once I was toilet trained I'd happily drop my pants in public to indicate I needed to pee), their presence just distracted me. To this day I sometimes have nightmares where I need to pee but there are only shared or open toilets available, no stalls.

I value the opinions of people whom I personally respect. Say if my wife and friends believed I'd committed some dreadful crime, I'd be horrified and would try to prove myself innocent.

Random strangers, no, I don't really care what they think.

That's interesting, I do kind of care then I guess, because I hate being misunderstood and often seem to annoy people by going into too many details or over explaining. It's not that I am worried others think bad of me, but I hate it when I am misunderstood.

I don't care if it is a random person but I do care if it is someone close or that I meet often.

agreed.

When you are self employed, the hierarchies and politics of larger organisations can sometimes even work in beneficial ways. As an external contractor you effectively not only sign up to deliver certain pieces or work but you also sign up for taking any blame for issues, regardless of whether these issues relate to your deliverables or not. As long as I am well paid for the work and for the role of blame deflector, that's all fine with me.



My experience, admittedly in a different field (leading software development projects and advising clients on software engineering techniques), is different. Since I love building software products and am intrinsically motivated, my own standards are typically higher than what a client expects. I have to be careful not to stress out about producing a level of quality that the client does not even know to appreciate.

In contrast, some NTs excel at presenting mediocre results in a way that lets them get away with substandard work.



For a long time I have also assumed that good work speaks for itself.

Over the years I've discovered that only certain people recognise good work, and that others require elaborate demonstrations and explanations. In domains such as software and engineering, high quality is not always immediately obvious, and low quality may be obscured by a superficially slick graphical design. "Selling" high quality deliverables is an art that requires NT-style communication, which does not come naturally to me.



What matters to me is what people think about my professional deliverables, not what they think about me. And in this context, I'm only interested in feedback from those who actually value quality.

I should add that I do care what my immediate family and closest friends think about me.

If I understand the OP correctly, the question was to what extent autists care about how they are perceived by casual acquaintances and strangers. My answer to that question is that I could not care less about the opinion of others.

I started out caring. I wanted to be liked. I realized that I couldn't live up to others' expectations of me without giving up on declaring my own identity, though, so I learned how not to care. Kind of.

The result of this decision wasn't really that I decided not to care what others thought. I still care--it's still somewhat important to me. But--this is the critical part--their opinions of me do not form any part of my self-image. If someone else thinks that I am lazy, I may care what they think of me, but I do not consider myself lazy unless I also think I am lazy.

People can decide not to care at all; however, what people think of them does affect how they interact. Sometimes that matters. It should never matter more than who you actually are, though.

JBW - I work in software as well. What I hate is when I am required to lower my standards (which are always higher than what a client expects), because the client is OK with substandard work.



Callista – This sounds a lot like me. When I was young, I desperately wanted to be liked. But I realized that doing so, meant that I would have to give up my individuality. So, eventually I figured that that (maintaining my individuality) was more important.

I would be lying if I said I didn't care.

However, I have learned to care less as I have got older.

DevilKisses: I guarantee you it is possible without attaching some sort of "theory of mind issue" to it.

Rebellion? Are you actually serious? How old are you?

My question for you: Why do you care so much what other think? Have you been conditioned to do so? Therein possibly lies an answer to your plight.

While the question wasn't directed to me, it certainly resonates with me. I was conditioned to care about what others think. When I was little, my parents always talked about the importance of "selling yourself". About how that was a necessary ingredient to being successful in life (no matter what you did).

***Tangent On***
My parents were both born during the tail end of the Great Depression (in the late 1930s). You can imagine how that experience impacted their upbringing (as my parent's parents struggled mightily during that time). As such, I imagine that "being self-reliant" and "being independent" and "being successful" were important values in their own upbringing.
***Tangent Off***

So, I imagine that “selling yourself” requires you to care about what others think. As you effectively become the product and you need to ensure that people have "good feelings" (whatever that means) about the product they are purchasing. So, you HAVE to care about what people think about that product.

In any event, I am not good at selling myself. And, generally, I have NO IDEA what others think about me.

i really dont care if someone is thinking badly of me or do not like me. i only care when they deliberately try to hurt my feelings.

sometimes i even forget other people think

Good post, Rocket123

I can try to sell myself when necessary: Job Interviews, etc. But, I fear I am not so good at that even. But within that lies a reward: A job. But, even when I do that, I essentially have to be fake.

I will not do this in any other situation for anyone, though. I never have.