Dealing with death.

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I concur. They may have been burying "one of their own" but you were burying your brother, which ought to take precedence in such instances. I would have been affronted if that had been said to me about my sibling's funeral.

I'm fortunate in that the only deaths I've experienced personally were of my grandmother when I was five (which I was very saddened by, but got over quickly, probably thanks to my age) and my grandfather when I was about 12 (which didn't affect me in any way because I'd only met him once or twice when I was much younger.) I can't really say how I'd react to the death of one of my parents, but it makes me very sad to think about their being dead, so probably very badly.

Understood, and completely. My "relationships" (or my own attitudes or thoughts or whatever) today with my father and three brothers (all younger) are like that. In whatever words, I have essentially told them they can do as they please but I will no longer let them get their stuff all over me.


Keep in mind that his way is as logical for him as are our own ways for each of us...and there is where the rub begins when any human being believes or insists his or her own particular style or type of logic is best or the most "right" or whatever. So, I have learned to let people believe and do as they please while just remaining as silent as either necessary or possible on my own end.


Over the years, that has taken a variety of forms for me. Overall, however, I think (at least for myself) that had to do with my personal frustration that other people would not just stop all the nonsense and take a look at what we do to each other and what we could do differently that could be best for everyone...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAGyENr3_44[/youtube]


There is the proof that we Aspies can have emotions or "feelings" just like everyone else, and that includes having the desire for healthy human interactions overall. Hurting others does not come naturally, it is learned behaviour that can trouble our emotions even further when it is subject to anticipated results (possibly hurting others or ourselves) that can often conflict with human-naturally desired (positive) results...and then we can get all of that twisted around by insisting upon a given philosophy of one kind or another (such as delusions of grandeur or independent self-sufficiency).


Understood and agreed, and I also just focus my attentions upon my immediate responsibilites such as your desire for your son to not suffer at your hand like we did at our fathers' hands.

Concerning one of your first thoughts related to death: Many years ago I had told my father he would have to be sure it did not cost me a single penny to attend his funeral if he expected me to do so. Since that time and even though I still could not afford the travel expenses, I have at least changed my attitude a bit from defiance of what he might "expect" to consideration of what he might want just like any of us...and in my own case, I have accepted the fact that the number of people at my own funeral might be greatly dependent upon that day's weather!

My father died on April 18. He was cremated and we had his memorial yesterday. It was military, but small. I am his only child, he was Aspie too, and I had a connection with him unlike any I have ever had with anyone. Most of it was unspoken. That was one of the great things about it- that we could be completely silent and happily spend time together. I miss him so much. My mother is high maintenance and I don't know how he did it. Now it is my responsibility to make sure she is ok and it is overwhelming. I have been grieving but I am not sure I am going to be able to deal with this. It seems to be getting worse instead of better, the sadness, the missing him, the shock of him being gone. To make it worse, I think the doctors failed to treat him properly and think that he should still be with us if not for the insufficient medical care. I am angry with them and the world. I am angry with the people around me in the world who are so concerned with stupid sh!t when they should be more concerned with how their loved ones could suddenly be taken from them. I don't know what to do.

Mikemi35, if your father is that bad then I don't see why you would even want to contact him, let alone "make him feel better". No need to feel guilty for leaving a toxic person in your past just because they happen to be family.

Well my father died in a car crash when i was only a kid. My mother has told be kinda in directly that i changed after that.

i dont know, it just changes you. Suddenly you are slapped with the cold hard reality of life. You parents arent gonna be here forever, and whats is worse, you are robbed of all those experiences with them. I dont like to think about it much. I dont think i learned to deal with it, the pain, im sad to think the fact is, that event lead me to be kinda cold and afraid to show emotion or depend on anyone in the fear of getting hurt like that again.

For me personally my childhood ended that day, suddenly i had to help my mother and be a grown up and understanding and do the right think, protect her and not hurt her ever by doing stupid stuff.

Would i have been the same today if my father hadn been taken away from me suddenly as a kid, i dont know. I mean i would still have autism, its not like you get that because of a tragic event. But i might have been more open, not such a loner.

family is family, thats how i see it, i probably wouldn know what to say or do either. But i would dedicate all my time to be there and do anything they wanted or anything that could make them better. I would try and put myself in his place, i dont think anyone of us would like to know when we are gonna die, and with cancer you pretty much get slapped a bit clock on you that is counting down. I wouldn think so much about if they were not he best person or not. for me ive had so much pain in my life i would be able to take more without it hurting me. See it as being the better person.

One thing is certain once that person is gone, there isnt ever gonna be a chance to say or do anything. I would give anything in the world for 1 day with my father.

So definitely speak to him, do whatever it takes. I would say its worth it. But then again im me and not you.