My sons heart is hurt. :,(

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Opposed to your son, birthdays have done the exact opposite for me than what it means for him.

I remember for my 7th birthday, my mum brought everyone to a fun park or something and I had a massive meltdown because of all the noise, kids, and fluorescent lights. Then I ran to my grandmother and hid under her table.

I vaguely remember doing this at one of my brother's birthdays and running upstairs and rocking under a table. I also remember shutting down and only my girlfriend was able to comfort me.

Heh, I wasn't invited to a birthday party until I was eleven years old. And then not again for a long time. I think, not counting immediate family, the next time was probably not until I was thirty. Birthday parties, anyway. I've been to other parties, on occasion, once or twice a year, starting around age twenty... usually the typical "we're having a Christmas party and inviting everyone" affair, whenever I happened to be part of "everyone".

It was a little disappointing when I was small, but it stopped mattering to me so much as I got older and realized parties really weren't that much fun. It was hard at first realizing that I was unpopular and probably would never be popular; but that's life, you know? What I eventually realized was that I could cope with that kind of thing, as long as I had what really mattered to me--my books, my cats, the freedom to pursue my education, the freedom to help others by doing volunteer and activist work; and nowadays, a small group of friends who are truly kind people, who care about others as much as I do.

It takes a while to realize that. Growing up, you're only exposed to others' values, the things the majority of people think are worthwhile to pursue--popularity, pretty dates, money, fame, reputation, all of that. It's easy to assume at first that those things are objectively the things you must want, too; but for most people, they aren't.

Weird, isn't it? The things that most people think you should want, are actually not the things that most people do want. That's culture for you. Humans are contradictory creatures.

We all have to get through that time when we realize that we aren't normal and that we won't be happy chasing the usual things that you're supposed to want. We have to learn that there are things that we value, and that they're things we decide on, not things that should be imposed on us by the people around us. That usually takes a while--until adulthood, probably well into adulthood. Until then, the important thing to get you through it is knowing that there are people who love you, including your weirdness and your foibles and the things that make you unpopular--people who love you because you are yourself. Parents fulfill that role nicely.

I don't know if this is the best way to say it, but what your son's going through is a part of life.

You can be good to everyone and have darn few reciprocate. He might as well learn now that real "friends" are few and far between...NT or AS.

I think it's a flaw in how we see things. We presume if we are nice to others, they will be nice to us, but the world simply doesn't work that way. Even if people are nice back to you, they are doing it more out of social convention than because they have any real feelings towards you.

He should focus on quality of relationships and not quantity.

My suggestion is to find something special that you think your child will enjoy doing. Offer it as an option, rather than deny him the right to have the other type of party that he is used to. forcing him to take this route might take some of the joy out of it.

Make sure to choose something where he can spend time with you but still be free to wonder a little bit if he needs to take a moment for himself(although not too much until he's a little older). Give him the option of inviting one close friend, possibly two but no more, as the more friends he tries to invite, the less special this will seem.

You should also change up the dinner, desert and presents for this type of party. It has to be something he'd like more than pizza. Perhaps there is something you make or a nice restaurant you go on special occasions. The cake should be a nice one, too. The presents must be carefully chosen, because he can only get a few. Choose something you know he really wants and that he will find useful or he'll appreciate for years to come (something that does both would be nice, too).

This type of celebration might prove to be better for him than his previous parties. If not, he can always, choose the other option for his 9th birthday.


When I was younger, regular parties did not turn out well for me either. What my parents eventually did instead was offer me two options:
1) Have a regular Party and invite a large number of kids to it. Usually, it took place at a skating rink.

2) Go on a cruise on Lake George (we live in that general area of New York) with the family and possibly one really close friend. It had a nice dinner and a wonderful dance floor as well as an upper deck where I could walk around and enjoy the wind in my hair as I watched the scenery go by.

I took the latter option from the first year that it was offered on. I loved it for many reasons. It eliminated the reminder that I did not fit in with everyone else (which is an even more depressing on your birthday then in general). I was never invited to other peoples parties either, so in a way, many of the kids who showed up I suspected were there more for the pizza and cake than for me (they didn't buy the present, they had nothing to lose).

It made my celebration much more intimate to be surrounded by the people whom I care for the most. I honestly found them much more fun and memorable than any of the previous parties I had, surrounded by kids from summer camp (I never cared for the kids in my school).

I hope my idea helps you come up with a way to give your son the happiest birthday he can have.

Wow!! All you are VERY helpful. I really appreciate you taking time out of your life to help me, my wife and more my son. Such a selfless act of kindness. I hope he will be able to guide people as you are helping me steer him in the right direction. Thank you thank you thankyou

Yeah this same thing happened to me as a child. What can you do though? Man, having autism sucks.

Your son is in for a lifetime of a broken heart. I truly feel sorry for him.

Man this thread made me depressed.

I think we are showering him with so much love, he will never have a broken heart. We will never stop trying and educating ourselves to do the very best we can as parents.

I know this might sound stupid, but I've thought about it this way. THX

Hi I am an NT who comes on here sometimes namely I have a friend in his 30s who has Aspergers.

First I wanted to tell you NT's I forget what that stands for but anyway the rest of us also have had these experiences. I seem to remember my birthday parties stopping pretty quick. My brother and I were both wierd and outcast from an early age. My brother had severe speech problems and coordination problems. He is very independent and financially successful today. I have speculated he could have a condition such as autism but never dug into it since he is doing well.

Anyway again me and my brother total wierdos totally outcasted. Some years I would have one or two friends some years mostly lunches alone and whatnot. Yes it was depressing. I had a lot of conditions that kind of made me look like a Steve Urkel type. I had severe allergies to the point I could not breath through my nose, bad teeth, big glasses and I was the smallest child in most of my classes. I liked what one person said the thing about the good looking and athletic kids make friends while no one wants to be friends with the different person except for those one or two nice people. Unfortunately those are true words not trying to bring anyone down.

I wanted to mention some things that might help again I do not have autism so I can only speak as someone who was a fringe person in terms of socializing.

I think groups like Boy Scouts are great. I was in Boy Scouts and it gave me a chance interact with kids from all kinds of backgrounds doing fun things. One of the best things about Boy Scouts is that a lot of it does not require a high degree or athleticism, or that you be a straight A student, etc. Its not about "I'm going to beat this other person to win" its more cooperative. I would love to hear the people on this site chime in on Autism.

My biggest regret as a kid.. was that I wasn't involved in things. Not just that we were outcasts.. socially awkward pariahs.. Looking back, I wish I had been involved in martial arts. Or swimming. Or Hockey. Really just anything. Just something other than my free time will be spent playing nintendo and going in the woods to play. I can't speak for everyone and you know unfortunately children with a lot of challenges may put themselves out there and just end up getting hurt physically or emotionally so maybe I am wrong. Hey who knows maybe I would have got kicked in the face the first day of karate and cried and never wanted anything to do with it again. It would have been nice to find out though.

I have my share of issues today.. my overall my life is good. I date and have friends. This part of my speech is usually where I lose people because people don't want to believe the world is such a vain dirty place, even though that one guy put it best when he was talking about how the good looking kids all stick together and the wierd ones no one wants to be friends with. You know what my big secret is.

I have conditioned my body through exercise and lifting weights.

People are so vain.. whether they are 7 years old or 27 years old.. that they only see whats on the outside until you give them a chance to discover you. I have gotten my foot in more doors just by not looking like the booger picking kid anymore you just can't imagine. I like what I see in the mirror and so do a lot of other people.

If I had a child in your child's shoes.. I would get him into an athletic activity if possible. It might not be realistic. I would try swimming probably. I dunno maybe I am way off base here. I can only speak about what worked for me. I was ugly and awkward, no one wanted to play with me. I fixed the things I could, made myself attractive, hey - new lease on life.

The thing I have seen about autism is that it is so wide ranging in how it effects your life. I was at the park yesterday and a child was there being held by the hand wearing a helmet. He wore a helmet because whatever developmental disorder he had was so severe he could fall and hit his head. Dunno if it was autism or something else.

In the case of my friend with Aspergers, part of his life is independent, and a huge part of his life is overseen by his parents even into his adulthood. They cook two of his meals a day and pay his bills. In his case he has enough problems that he needs help in his life. So I don't know what the future holds for your child but honestly you can only do what you can do and let go of the rest that is out of your control. One thing I would mention is my friend often will miss social cues and attempt to touch women. As we all gain more enlightenment and acceptance of each other in this world, it is getting easier to be that different kid. In my friends case I wish his parents had taken him to a psychologist about the touching. A nice person will bend over backwards to help you especially nice adults when they see you have an issue. In his case he has alienated quite a few people because of his personal issue. He has attempted to touch two of my girlfriends. I still harbor some anger about it to be honest, but today I can recognize that he has a condition that he should have seen someone about in childhood. Plus i'm not perfect either.

Anyway sorry for the ramble there. Wishing all the best for you and your son. If I can help let me know.

It's heartbreaking. It brings back some really sad memories. I remember, when I was young, inviting kids to my party just so they would be friends with me. It of course, did not work.

My advice is to simply make your son feel special on his special day.

This is why I hate all the political correctness we can't say anything about gays blacks Jews women Muslims but it's just fine to make life for kids on the spectrum a living hell.

Why have to be nice to some groups and it's called equality but it seems PC equality is not what is written in the dictionary.

In all honesty we should get as militant as the groups I mentioned above.

Autism power.

Ronbrgundy talked about getting him involved in athletics. Special Olympics is a great option. Autism Spectrum qualifies and all levels of athletes are accepted. You can also be very high functioning. That is also accepted and welcomed. This is in the US. I don't know the details of Special Olympics in the UK but the eligibility there is different.

Ah yes, the memories come flooding back ..............

I have always been very close to my mother to the point I can almost be called a Mama's boy. If only everyone knew the real story of why we are so close. Mom always shielded me from attacks and I was always upset at her until I realized that if I REALLY knew what relatives, neighbours and other "adults" thought of me at that age I could have died from dehydration from crying so much. I didn't find out till years later and it was still hard to deal with how ignorant and cruel my relatives could be. Some people just downright hated me from the moment I was born and there was NOTHING I could have done about it. Mom told me the story of how hard I cried and how terrible she felt when my cousins would only play with my brother and refused to allow me in their rooms and that was FAR from the worst of it. She simply wanted them to realize what a sweet, playful boy I was but they were too closed minded to listen and/or care and as a result, became my "friend" to help make up for it. I later found out that side of the family used to shower only my brother with gifts to the point mom refused to accept them or even visit until they treated us relatively equally: lest you think I was horrible kid I was incredibly kind and polite and I hadn't even started school at this point! Even to this day I went back during my Grandfather's funeral and even though my cousin had matured, gotten married with a child, he still gave me an ice cold reception no matter how polite I was and how well I treated his baby.

As an undiagnosed adult Aspie who aims to be a father within 5 years, I thank you for being such a great parent. I know what a difference it made in my life and I hope I can be as supportive and loving as you are should I ever find myself in your shoes.


As a child, I could never understand why it was okay to mock me, make fun of someone's nationality but making fun of their race or their physical/mental disabilities was a HUGE no-no. Contrary to what other kids might have thought, I didn't exactly enjoy being mocked and bullied daily and obviously had no control over being a late bloomer who was also significantly younger on top of that. I guess some people still hold the ignorant view that I LIKE having sensory issues and I just love being unable to make friends. Yeah, feeling depressed due to loneliness is a wonderful feeling Even to this day, the only friendships I can maintain are ones where I practically have to bribe people to hang around me.