Am I sliding into mental illness?

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Oh... okay. So I could be wrong... who knows? But this isn't about you.. and in my yard... where I live, IF someone says Im hearing voices telling me to self-destruct, then that's a call for help. Not a thread starter... and if one of my kids said that they would be in the hospital before the sun sets.

I called a hotline before. It was not helpful to me at all. I hope other hotline experiences are better than mine was.

The OP said they feel like they have a subconcious urge to self destruct...I can relate to that exact feeling and just in my experience its not nessisarily a sign I am suicidal and need immediate intervention.... If someone says they are hearing voices telling them to self destruct I think that is a little bit different I cannot really say anything about that since I've never had that happen. But yes just trying to share my experience with simular things the OP described and hopefully be supportive which perhaps I suck at not make anything about me that would be selfish.

I am NT but this thread hit home for me. I have 5 months sobriety. After gym tonight I stopped by three different liquor stores hoping one would be open late on a Sunday. All three were closed even though the internet said they should be open. I have a serious drinking problem and feel lucky they were closed. If you have a drinking problem the best thing I have found is AA meetings. Its scary to go to them because you have to talk to people you don't know about your problems (if you want to, or you can just listen). I find it more fun to listen to their problems and try to help them. But if you are having these issues you describe in all likelihood you have a drinking problem and should go to those meetings like I do.

Yup. Those are red flags. But here's the encouraging part: You know they're red flags. You're self-aware enough to realize when you might be getting into trouble. Go, get help, and take care of yourself; you shouldn't have to try to deal with this alone.

Hearing voices telling you to self-destruct is not the same thing as having self-destructive urges. It is more hallucination, and then it's a question of whether the person hearing the voices is going to follow the instructions or try to ignore them.

Doesn't mean they don't need medical attention, but it is probably not the same level of "serious" as outright suicidal behavior.

And suicidal ideation involves thinking about self-destructive things and killing yourself, but does not represent an active threat to a person's health. If it did, I would have been hospitalized so many times by now.

Back in work on break feel fine now.

That's great.

Hope it continues.

Same here!

Glad things are better.

Looks to me that the change from work to vacation is not a good thing for you. For your next vacation I would plan it so that you are constantly occupied.

That is exactly what I was thinking.

Sorry for my rant a few nights ago when I got really drunk.

No apologies needed. This is what WP exists for.