Aspergers and Depression

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I just wanted to mention that the type of rumination I'm used to seeing is an angry rumination, a slight (or perceived slight) having been done to them in the past that they can't get over.

I can understand the "being fake" if letting it go, my son feels the very same way. He feels he'd be being dishonest if he forgives someone because in his words "I never forgive anyone mom".

As an aside my son hates my mother because, after not seeing him for probably 10 years (my parents fault) she fawned all over him and he feels she was being fake because she was so over-the-top happy to see him. No matter how many times I try to explain it he still comes back to she's fake.

Anyhow, I wish you the best of luck with it. I can so identify with what you're writing but not because of my husband/kids' father (who walked out in Oct 2010), rather because of my son's tendencies.

Diane, I really like what you wrote in your post explaining about ruminating. It really helped me understand myself better. I also have an extremely difficult time letting go when I have perceived or thought that I have hurt someone else especially someone that I love. Sometimes it is harder for me to forgive myself or to get over than if someone hurts me. I can ruminate and relive my thinking that I have hurt other people for decades with the same full force full raw emotions as in the original incident and that can lead me to depression too. Sometimes it helps if the other person involved genuinely and patiently reassures me multiple times that everything is okay. Do you guys relate to that also?

skibum, my son has lashed out verbally (via Facebook) quite a few times at the few guys in his circle. Every single time he's apologized afterward because he feels totally awful about it and every time they've been extremely gracious and told him it's okay don't worry about it they understand, etc. But he still has a hard time letting go of it when he does it.

But when my son perceives that he's been slighted it doesn't matter how many times someone apologizes, he "accepts" their apology but he can't let go of it and will continue to get angry about it even years later.

It stymies me every time that happens. I know it's part of the Asperger's (or other co-morbid diagnoses) for some to not be able to let things go but it still sometimes blows me away that he can't "forgive" the same guys who forgive him.

But then I'm almost always hit between the eyes on something with him, his behavior (not "bad" behavior) and his comprehension.

I'm glad my description helped a bit!

Yeah, I hear you about the comprehension part. I can have major issues with that. Sometimes it feels like it's manipulative for me. It's like I want to express something but I can't, like I really sincerely and genuinely am not able to even though I might know the words. So I will ask all sorts of weird questions or come up with every scenario to try to express a fear or something that I might be feeling about something and I can't stop the weird conversation until my fear has been completely resolved. Maybe he has something like that going on where there is an underlying feeling, not just the outward obvious anger, but maybe something deeper than that that he can't express and he keeps reliving the situation until he can find resolution. But if he keeps reliving it exactly the same way, he won't be able to find resolution.

For me if someone is able to help me come to complete 100% resolution about how I feel completely about what happened, I can move on from it. But until that happens, I usually can't because it's just too traumatic. And coming to complete resolution can be tricky and can involve many complex layers of feelings that most people, I want to assume probably NT's but I don't want to generalize so I will just say most people, never actually get to. But because of the deep intensity with which we might be feeling each layer, even though we can't identify it, we might not be able to come to resolution. So it is possible that your son is looking for resolution with all the layers of what he is feeling.

I might ask him, are you angry? Then if he says yes, say, does that make you feel dejected or less than or like you are not as important as other people or that they don't know to consider your feelings or that you might feel trampled on or invisible? These are all things that I have felt when I have been hurt. But dealing with what is beyond the surface anger can really help him to move past these seemingly small hurts. If you don't ever deal with the underlying feelings, each little hurt just accumulates onto that feeling and drives it home that you are invisible and trampled on and all those kinds of things and then you blow up at every little infraction. I don't know if this is what is happening with him but that is how I feel sometimes and that would cause me to behave like he is behaving.

Boy, it can truly be so confusing sometimes. I love your suggestions, thank you!

Maybe that's why there's literally no convincing him or getting him to understand or anything. No matter how I try to talk to him or explain how something happened I get "blasted" back with something about the person being a jerk and doing it (whatever "it" might be) on purpose to be mean. And sometimes I'm accused of "taking the other person's side" because I don't agree with him.

If I try to just talk to him about it he gets angrier and goes to his room so that he doesn't have to talk about it (he has a HUGE anger problem so honestly when he chooses to go to his room it's often for the better).

He has a counselor that we see weekly and some weeks he needs it more than other weeks.

It's so confusing at times. Even with all the research I do on it, I still sometimes don't understand why he does some of the things he does (not bad things per se, just "odd" things, such as not forgiving those same guys who so graciously forgive him), and of course he's unable to explain it, so sometimes I walk away scratching my head.

Day to day... (At least it's that more often than 15 minutes to 15 minutes)

Again thank you for your suggestions, I'll definitely try them.

Have a terrific evening!

PS: In case I haven't said, my son is 20 now.

first off, i'm not sure if this is the right thread to post this...but i have to get it off my chest once and for all.

I try my best not to remember unhappy things i've done, decisions, or other things i've experienced. and i do feel depressed most of the time, but it's very up and down. mostly it is from a failed relationship with a girl that "ended" a year ago. it is failed because... gosh i really don't know how to word this.

for the time between september 2011 to summer 2013, i was close friends with her. i never had many close friends, and my god she was amazing. i never met anyone like her before and i don't think i ever will again. we hung out quite a few times, sometimes she would say she "loved" me, but most of the time she would have a boyfriend. she jumped from guy to guy a lot. i spent 2012's summer with her, something i'll never forget.

this is where the ruminating part comes in, i think.

as summer 2013 approached, we drifted apart. it was somewhat slow, but it became all too obvious by the last time we hung out in june. i didn't know why we stopped talking. but looking back, i think she stopped talking to me...to move on. in retrospect, she was really obvious about how she liked me and wanted to "go out"... but at the time, i didn't pick up on that. and i've been tearing myself up apart over how i would have picked up on that, i really did want her, but i can't stop thinking about all our interactions, how i would have made those better, not have appeared so...awkward. and i don't think aspergers is the problem because she DATED AN ASPIE BEFORE!

worse, she once asked me "are you in love with me?" she asked it inside a mcdonalds, i didn't know what to say (i did "lover her, i think)
what would happen if i did say something, and i said nothing! i dodged the question! i'm not sure if that was the right thing to do (maybe yes) but AHHHH!! !!

later on when i had a somewhat firmer grip on what was going on i tried to meet her to tell her, but she wouldn't respond to me. she gave up, i think. gosh i feel so dumb HAHAHAH!!

i have MANY pictures and videos of her on my computer...i look at them every night. really i'll never meet anyone like her again, i think...but what the hell do i know. i'm just a dumb teen and i feel foolish for posting this, but i had to et it off my chest. i just can't stop thinking about how i was so blind. and i'm not even sure if i WANT to forget. rumiating is so comforting. it's defensive...in a way.

if you actually read this...well thanks. i can't get over this.

I ruminate. I feed my depressions...and I should like to learn how to stop doing it!

Kipobalhato,
Don't feel bad or foolish or stupid for what happened and definitely don't feel bad for posting your story. I am glad you posted it and that you were able to share it. It was difficult thing for you to go through but trust me, when the right person for you comes again you will know what to do. And if you believe that the right girl is still out there then she will be. But I completely understand how you feel and I am glad you told us.
Big Hug,
Skibum

Diane, I have been reading Tony Attwood's The Complete Guide to Asperger's and there is a great section on anger in there. I could relate to a lot of what he was saying. One thing he said is that sometimes we don't know how to differentiate our emotions and so we express everything as anger. Another thing he said is that sometimes we don't have a barometer for the intensity of emotions so we only know how to express and emotion at it's highest intensity. He also gives ways to help to change those two things. If you don't have this book already you should definitely get it.

Here is where you can get it on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/The-Complete-Guid ... perger%27s

As I am reading this book I have found that I am recognizing myself a lot in it and I am remembering incidences in my childhood which are described in it as well,

I am happy that my suggestions can hopefully help you. I really want your son to be better and not have to suffer from this constant anger. I know that he must be very frustrated with it as well. It's not a happy place to be living in. Thank you for reaching out on his behalf. I hope we can help make a difference for him and for your family.

Rumination is a problem for me. Not so much forgiving other people, as feeling guilt and shame. It's hard to shake. I don't always get a lot out of trying to talk about it either. I find it really easy to obsesse about my own faults and negativity in general.

Anger is not as big a problem as when I was younger- I've lost a lot of the sense of entitlement that fuels anger, but I deal with a lot of guilt, shame, and depression.