Giving up.

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I felt mostly the same way most of my life, if it wasn't for my son I would have little to look foreword too. and the others are right much of it is wanting societies acceptance and approval, which is about like a dog chasing its tail. just let it go.

You look young because of your picture, but if you lived anyplace near me and was closer to my age I would date you, thing is my dates wouldn't be normal, id take you ghost town hunting, going to yard sales and thrift stores all the time looking for little treasures, gold panning and mettle detecting, hiking, etc, stuff like that. but perhaps you can find you a young man that can do those sort of things with you.

That's how I was at first, but there has literally been no progress and I every day feels like drowning for me.

And I set it to $25,000 because my parents owe about $13,000 in medical debt because of me and my funeral expenses came to almost $9000. I rounded up because I have some final wishes that I'd like to cover the cost of but I don't realistically expect to meet that goal.

Personally, I have nearly $60,000 in school loans (and I still have a couple of years to go) that I will never be able to afford, $8000 in medical expenses, on top of owing medical expenses that my parents are responsible for, and I have nearly $35,000 in personal debt that will also be impossible for me. It's just not possible for me to survive in this era and I just don't want to participate anymore.

If you did go through with it how would you do it? I sincerely hope you don't. Really I truly mean that. I can understand why you would want to but I really hope you decide not to.

Have you considered bankruptcy? It'll give you a fresh start. You'll still owe your parents, but you have a realistic chance of being able to pay that without the rest of the debt to worry about.

Bankruptcy would not negate the student loan debt. That would still remain afterwards.

Of course. I can't bankrupt the student loans and I can only get rid of so much of the debt. But money isn't the reason I don't want to be a part of this anymore. Financial burden is actually the reason I'm still here because there is so much my family will still be responsible for and I don't even have a livable income or a place to live.

You are not alone. I long for death on a regular basis. I am never in a positive, happy mood. Chronic unhappiness (meaning almost always not being happy or feeling good or comfortable) makes you long for an end to the pain. That is what death means to me--an end to pain. It also means the end of a curse (being a human being). I would rather be a flower or a tree or an earthworm, any creature other than a human being.

Like the original poster, I will not commit suicide until one of my parents dies (my dad). I don't care about my mom or her pain, but I know that my dad would be crushed if I died before him. I can't do that to him. In the meantime, I try to make the best out of life and try not to make things too hard on myself.

I think some people are just doomed to be unhappy, and I am one of those people because of biology (not able to produce enough feel-good chemicals, not excited about things that "normal" people derive pleasure from). No matter what happens in my life, good or bad, I always feel the same. The longer I live, the tighter the walls get, meaning that normal people progress through life while I stay the same. Our paths diverge farther and farther. I feel less in common with people and care less about people. Sorry to be so bleak, but I just want the original poster to know that I understand exactly where she is coming from.

With all the doom and gloom I just posted, for some reason, I still have hope that someday things will change and I will be happy. I am a pessimist who wants to be optimistic.

P.S. My condolences for living in Tennessee. I see where that might be part of the problem.

Well for starters when I tried to off myself at the age of 15 I survived....I have felt suicidal a few times since then as well and have had thoughts of regretting that I didn't end it, been in the psych ward twice because I was worried I'd attempt again and yeah essentially I try to get immediate help if I am feeling like that so that is why I am still around. Why I bother? well there are people that would be very sad if I was dead( I hate how when I am actively thinking of suicide that does nothing to lessen those thoughts) and well actually killing ones self is easier said than done.

Also its not so much I want death, more don't want to be in pain and feel miserable so much and sometimes that seems to be the only way....and I get frusterated about the fact most relief from that i can ever find is only temporary so I get to thinking ' what is the point, if I always end up back in this sh*tty default state'.

i didn't come all this way just to start over. don't get me wrong, i think about death all the time. but i try my very hardest to suppress those thoughts, with varying success. i have not seen a therapist for this, and even when i told my dad i was suicidal quite a while ago, all i got whas a slap in the face, and nothing else.

but at the end of the day, my death is the last thing i want. sure life sucks, but for me, enduring is wayy better than ending up killing myself and having to start all over and go through secondary school again, assuming of course i'm reincarnated as a human, or at all.

I think we've all been where you are. It sort of comes with the territory. I mean, we're so sensitive to the world around us and our own feelings. It's both a blessing and a curse. Yes, I have been suicidal before and it ain't fun. I guess what kept me from ending it all is my love for my family, my appreciation of the gift of living, and my refusal to quit. It's hard to see that when you're in the depths of depression, I know, but that's what ultimately kept me going. That, and my special interests. Those served as both a distraction and a source of comfort.

You are obviously in a very dark place right now, so I know my words mean very little. But please take solace in the fact that you are not alone. Please keep trying. We're all rooting for you!

I think one of the main reasons we are struggling, is because of taking us to serious. Does there need to be a higher reason, a goal, something to live for, only because of us being humans? Do cockroaches, cats, bees have higher reasons, something to live for the next day ..., or do simply go on with their life as it is, and simply trying to do the best comforting out of the moment?

There is no reason for life and no goal for living. But in opposite to people trying to tell us, that this would make life worthless, its the opposite. It gives us the opportunity to enjoy the moment. Instead of focus what the complete world might be a miserable place, focus on whats right now nice and good around you. A sunny day in the garden, reading a book you like, cooking something you enjoy, ...

If it helps you, I needed as well therapeutic help, so I had as well also major depression with all that troubles. Have you already sought therapeutic help?

What makes me 'stick around' so to speak?

'Best Case/Worst Case Scenario'.

Please kindly allow me to explain:

It's the last vestige of desperation I like to call 'the hope of the hopeless' when one is at that point where there seems to be no other way out and no option left than a form of permanent erasure.

I don't know how much of my self-preservation kicks in then going; 'people will still be a***holes no matter whether I am dead or not, only I won't be around to witness it, so what's the point?'

I don't think the balance of hating myself vs hating other people has been tipped enough towards the former yet to give them any satisfaction whatsoever.

Then I think..."okay, I am feeling like real s*** NOW, so, what's the worst that can happen in regards to this situation that can make me feel any worse? oh wai, is it even possible for me to feel any worse than I do now?"

Then, one has that 'AHA' moment, when no matter what happens from that point on, you'll still feel like a sad, pathetic and lonely being...so things cannot 'get any worse' no matter what...they can only get....better, right?

So, then that becomes the 'Best Case Scenario'...do you get it?

This is the only thing that has kept me going for as long as I have.

Chin up and do not despair. The world is a sad and depressing place, but it takes a lot of inner strength not to become all sad and depressed about it.

My entire life is in debt. It's unrealistic for me to try to raise money to even put a dent in student loans, pay the medical expenses that my parents owe because of me even if I declared bankruptcy on most everything else. Even if I were to ask for help for two-thirds of my student loan debt, that's over $40,000 plus another $13,000 in medical expenses my parents owe because of me, and declaring bankruptcy on most of the rest of my debt is still nearly $60,000.

To illustrate this, I created a second fundraiser at youcaring.com/hopeforami to help me with two-thirds of my student loans and the medical expenses in my parents name. It is absolutely unreasonable to expect anyone to contribute so much for someone they don't know or can't empathize with.

The bloodthirsty culture of America is likely to be far more interested in helping end the life of an autistic person than helping them succeed. It is much more likely I'd raise $25,000 and be done with my life than $60,000 to get my debt to a manageable $20,000 and MAYBE have a chance to succeed with my life.

I don't owe as much as you do (I owe $5,000 in total) but a debt is a debt if you cannot pay it and have no way of being able to do so in the foreseeable future.

The only 'debt' you have and the only thing you owe is money and not your soul (even though society will have you believing otherwise)...it's a very common trap and misconception that any financial debt is at a deep 'soul-level'.

It's a huge lie...an illusion.

If you cannot pay, what are they going to do, kill you?

If the next step is 'go to jail' then how the heck does society allow a person with a Mental Ilness to get a loan anyway, hmmm?

Claim 'bankruptcy' as stated, or if that's not an option, 'diminished responsibility'.

If the money isn't there, it's just not bloody there no matter how many nasty letters or phone calls are sent...no matter how many court appearances are had...it's not going to 'magically appear' tomorrow.

So, lock up everybody who owes anybody else some money....yeah, we'll make the whole nation of the USA a 'prison state'.

Don't worry about it and let humanity 'do their worst'. They cannot kill you, they cannot torture you, they cannot put you in jail and they are all full of bulls***.

There's nothing anybody else can do to you, so feel that freedom, okay?

If I default on the loans, I will likely be unable to secure a job in teaching (a government job), and any job I do get will be garnished to a point below a livable wage. I simply owe too much.

I'm glad we have a system over here in Australia where loans are to be repaid only if and when employment is gained - I believe they call it a HECS scheme, but I know little to nothing about it.

...but seriously, nothing is worth topping yourself over and there are many Welfare institutions you can also speak to about this.

As for 'garnisheeing wages below livable conditions' - welcome to my life for the past 2 years. There are a lot of people...mostly pensioners doing it tough and are worse-off than even the poorest of those living in developing countries.

It's the way the world is, like you said and the only consolation being that:

1. There are so many in the same boat &
2. One day there will be a social uprising and I may not live to see the day, but one day...

Where there is life, there is hope. Where there is death, there is only despair.