Miscellaneous Joke Thread (KEEP IT CLEAN)

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A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the
station when he notices a little girl next door in a
little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter
says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices
the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and
to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner", the fire
fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around
the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're
probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Q) Did you heat about the gay midget?

A) He came out of the cupboard!

The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b***h out the window."

Why did The Undertaker fail miserably as a salesman?

He couldn't "sell".

A man goes into a confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I've worked at the lumber yard for fifteen years, and I've been stealing from them since I started there." The priest tells him, "Son, this is very serious. I'm afraid you will have to do more penance than just saying an Our Father and a Hail Mary. Do you know how to make a novena?" The man replies, "No, Father; but if you've got the plans, I've got the wood."



Why did the chicken cross the road?

William F. Buckley: "It is not, so to speak, the transambulation of the chicken per se which we need examine; it is, instead, the attraction of the alternate side of the road which requires futher exploration. A sine qua non of any chicken crossing is the degree to which any such attraction may overcome the natural propensity of said pullet to remain in situ. Indeed, as Thomas Aquinas iterated..."

Ernest Hemingway: "To die. Alone. In the rain."

Dr. Seuss: "I do not know just why he crossed. I do not know if he was lost. He may have done as he was told. I don't know why he crossed the road."

Karl Marx: "He was trying to escape his capitalist oppressors and begin the dictatorship of the pulletariat."

Dr. Phil: "Do you think it's healthy to spend so much of your time thinking about the chicken? Is that working for you? It's none of your business! You have a family that neeeeds you! Let me ask you something. You worry about some dadgummed chicken crossing a road, but you don't worry about the fact that your wife is out there with some other man, in front of the whoooole town..."

three sisters aged 94, 96 and 98, live in a big house togther. one night the 98-year-old draws a bath. she puts her foot in and pauses, yelling downstairs, "was i getting in or out of the bath?" the 96-year-old yells back, "i don't know. i'll come up and see." she starts up the stairs, but stops suddenly, confused "was i going up the stairs or down?" the 94-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters she shakes her head meaningfully and mutters, "i sure hope i never get that forgetful" superstitous, she knocks on wood for good measure then she yells, "okay, i'll come up and help you both as soon as i see who's at the door."

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the bulb has to want to change.

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"

The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

What's red and green and goes at 100mph? Kermit in a blender!

A group of generals in ancient Babylon hatch a plot to replace the king. On the day appointed for the coup, they agree to eliminate the king and then meet somewhere in the city to hide out. The first general to find a safe place will send up a smoke signal to help the others find him.

Unfortunately for them, the king has spies in their midst. When the assassins show up at the palace, the king's soldiers meet them and they are forced to flee for their lives. One of the generals becomes separated from the rest of the group and escapes into the city. Hoping that some of his friends got away, he moves throughout Babylon, looking carefully for the signal for safety. He eventually sees smoke come up from a ziggurat and heads for it. When he gets there he finds soldiers, who arrest him. He is beheaded after some very nasty tortures. The point of the story?

WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be hazardous to your health.


Worst pun I ever heard.

I had to delete my last joke, but I'm going to give this anoter try.


Q) How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A) Have a white tiger drag him off of the stage by his head.


(Moderators, PM me if I need to delete this as well, I'll be back on later tonight.)

How many union stewards does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve; it's in the contract.


How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and one to give it a twist at the end.


How many Jedi masters does it take to change a light bulb?

One to this the answer is.


How many Microsoft helpdesk employees does it take to change a light bulb?

The light bulb function is no longer supported; upgrade to Skylight 1.2 or Personal Flashlight 6.1 (refer to technical bulletin LB5584573).


How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?

A butterfly in a monsoon.

Ok, I’m going to try a joke. . .(with a moral! )


Der Panzerkardinal (the pope), Osama Bin Laden and Carl Sagan walk into a bar. . . . . .

Osama is wearing his Groucho Marx disguise, as all the presidents men are looking for him. Carl Sagan is inhaling his wacky tobbacy slowly on his 4 foot long bong, and is too high to recognize Osama or the pope when Der Panzerkardinal walks in and recognizes his mortal foes.

He exclaims, “Ach, it zis the infamoz Carl! Anz dat pagan infidel Oz-ma! I mast uz may most lethat weapon, the papal bull! Anno domini, blah blah blah. . . . . .”

Der Panzerkardinal shrilly shouts his bull at a such a high pitch of voice that it kills all the hamsters in town. The terrified bar patrons begin to flee. This releases Carl from his high.

Cupping their ears and screaming in excruciating pain from all the bull, Carl remembers his most lethal weapon and starts shouting

“Billions and billions of stars make up our billions of galaxies and a hundred billion billion billion galaxies make up our universe! Oh, and there is no GOD! And there are billions and billions of fools like you all over the planet! And I have smoked at least a billion billion tons of pot! And billions of people should also smoke a billion tons of it, too! At least I know that on the other billion billion billion billion billion billion billion. . . . . . .. . . .”

Hearing the word billion shouted at which seems like a billion times, Osama suddenly cracks and shouts,

“Damn you and your pot! And you and your bull!”

He rips open his shirt to reveal painted toilet paper rolls glued to a belt, with black yarn connecting them together. He pulls out his recorder and holds it in a threatening manner.

During the uncomfortable silence, all the regulars and the bartenders run out of the bar. The three of them now stand alone looking at each other with hatred.

Then, for no reason at all, a meteor strikes and destroys the bar, and the three in it.

The moral of the strory is;


We
Are
Right

OK, so this one's not totally clean, but I think everybody will like it.

Q) What does Congress and a lesbian have in common?

A) They both don't do d**k!

Q) How come cops have such a hard time solving Redneck murders?

A) Because they don't have dental records and their DNA is all the same!

A businessman finds that his neighbour in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot.

They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.

"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.

After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"

The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.

Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.

Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy b***h! Where's my drink!"

The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird.

"Hey,! Will you bring me my damn coke?"

Out of nowhere a steward, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.

At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."