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Being Friends with Someone with Aspergers

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Who_Am_I
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13 Aug 2014, 7:33 pm

IncredibleFrog wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
Have you told them "I would like you to initiate contact sometimes"? In those words. No hints, because we suck at hints, no matter how obvious you might think you're being. Because they might not realise that that's something you want.


No, I haven't. I thought about, but I was afraid they would think I was being weird.


Just tell them! Don't keep beating yourself up when the problem is most likely just Aspie obliviousness.


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IncredibleFrog
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13 Aug 2014, 7:35 pm

GregCav wrote:
I'm an Aspie. My NT friend has complained many times about being the initiator too. But when I ring her and suggest a dinner, a movie, a theatre, a coffee, a walk, or just time together; she's always busy with friends, going someplace for the weekend, partying with friends or family, or having time out to herself.

So I've dropped the attempts for the most part.
I'll just send a text "would you like to do X this weekend?". Sometimes she'll reply, sometimes she won't.

Also; I have many projects ongoing at any one time. A two day weekend is just way too short to get my projects done. So when I do have a coffee with her Saturday morning, I won't get home until 10am, by which time I'm 3 hours behind in the things I was looking forward to do today.

I've noticed that while NT's have things they want to do, they have no drive to do them. Years will go by and they'll still be saying "I'm going to do this and this and this".
Whereas I have a driving need to get my projects done, and I only have a couple hours each evening, or two days a week inwhich to do my projects. I never have enough time.

Taking 3 hours out of a weekend destroys half the day. But I do need and enjoy the company. So I'm not complaining. I'm just stating the differences between NT's and Aspies time management.


What you said makes sense to me. There actually are times for me, when socializing sounds exhausting and I'd much rather stay home and work on art or something. I hardly ever already have plans for the weekend, so I almost always say yes when asked to do something. I only have about three friends I see regularly, and a few "long distance" friends. And I hate going out and socializing. Occasionally there is something I'd like to go out and do, but only if it's something I'm interested in (like a cultural fair), and I never go to those things to meet people.



IncredibleFrog
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13 Aug 2014, 7:36 pm

Who_Am_I wrote:
IncredibleFrog wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
Have you told them "I would like you to initiate contact sometimes"? In those words. No hints, because we suck at hints, no matter how obvious you might think you're being. Because they might not realise that that's something you want.


No, I haven't. I thought about, but I was afraid they would think I was being weird.


Just tell them! Don't keep beating yourself up when the problem is most likely just Aspie obliviousness.


I will try to work up the courage to do so. I probably need to work on my self-esteem issues though. :oops:



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13 Aug 2014, 7:39 pm

EmeraldGreen wrote:
Who_Am_I, I have tried this tact with the friend in question, and unfortunately they had no point of reference for understanding this offer other than taking it as an insult that I didn't feel like reciprocating.....very coincidentally, I am meeting with said friend tomorrow night after a major falling out we had over this same issue of 'not hanging out enough' - after a silence of 2 years. If I can convince them I have actually been 'there' for them all along - though just not physically - maybe I will have my friend back.

Bird_in_Flight, I'm relieved to hear someone else experiences this 'losing time.' Unfortunately, that seems to take a terrible toll on friendships, like nothing else. Though I experience this on so many other levels, too....


Good luck. I really hope you can be friends again. I have lost numerous friends this way myself. Usually it stemmed from me being afraid to ask them to hang out though.



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13 Aug 2014, 7:48 pm

GregCav wrote:
Also; I have many projects ongoing at any one time. A two day weekend is just way too short to get my projects done. ...

I've noticed that while NT's have things they want to do, they have no drive to do them. Years will go by and they'll still be saying "I'm going to do this and this and this".
Whereas I have a driving need to get my projects done, and I only have a couple hours each evening, or two days a week inwhich to do my projects. I never have enough time.

This is so true. I hate disruptions in general, but I really appreciate the occasional nudge from a few close friends or family members to do something different. I even catch myself responding grumpily to a nudge, but once my mental gears have shifted, I try to apologise and am glad I get the chance to do some joint activity with the few people I can relate to.



MjrMajorMajor
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13 Aug 2014, 7:52 pm

IncredibleFrog wrote:

Good luck. I really hope you can be friends again. I have lost numerous friends this way myself. Usually it stemmed from me being afraid to ask them to hang out though.


I always wait for others to initiate, because I don't do subtle very well. There are a couple instances I regret not initiating, but most of the time I gauge interest by intiation.:shrug:



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13 Aug 2014, 8:06 pm

MjrMajorMajor wrote:
IncredibleFrog wrote:

Good luck. I really hope you can be friends again. I have lost numerous friends this way myself. Usually it stemmed from me being afraid to ask them to hang out though.


I always wait for others to initiate, because I don't do subtle very well. There are a couple instances I regret not initiating, but most of the time I gauge interest by intiation.:shrug:


I've learned to force myself to initiate, but it's still a struggle. And every time I text or email someone (I don't like talking on the phone), I get nervous and panicky until they reply.



mr_bigmouth_502
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13 Aug 2014, 10:03 pm

I often get this feeling that my best friend has more fun hanging out with his NT friends than he does with me. Now, we've known each other for years and practically consider each other to be brothers, but we don't hang out nearly as much as he used to. I think a lot of it's because I don't drive.



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13 Aug 2014, 10:42 pm

mr_bigmouth_502 wrote:
I often get this feeling that my best friend has more fun hanging out with his NT friends than he does with me. Now, we've known each other for years and practically consider each other to be brothers, but we don't hang out nearly as much as he used to. I think a lot of it's because I don't drive.


I'm sorry to hear that. I can't drive either because of seizures. I never thought of it, but one of my friends can't drive either. Maybe that's part of the reason he doesn't ask me out much. My other friend can drive, but she lives an hour away and isn't very comfortable driving at night.

Even though I don't know him, if you guys have been friends that long and are like brothers, I'm sure he still thinks of you as his best friend.



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13 Aug 2014, 11:18 pm

Speaking about me and my only friend who also happens to have pddnos,

Sometimes it is me who keeps sending messages and who keeps trying to get contact and try to meet up. Sometimes i caught myself doing the same. I have plenty of people in my whatsapp who i havent sent a message back in months even When i feel lonely all my life.. i just do my own thing and forget the world for a while

People in the past kicked me out of their social groups because of this. Forgetting time is unintentionally and we are not aware of it most of the time.



kraftiekortie
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13 Aug 2014, 11:39 pm

IncredibleFrog:

Have you ever heard about the Broad Autism Phenotype?

This is a concept whereby some people, undiagnosable as autistic, might possess autistic traits.



IncredibleFrog
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14 Aug 2014, 12:26 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
IncredibleFrog:

Have you ever heard about the Broad Autism Phenotype?

This is a concept whereby some people, undiagnosable as autistic, might possess autistic traits.


No, I've never heard of that. I was diagnosed with aspergers as a kid, but since then several doctors have told me I've "outgrown" it, or that I have it very borderline if at all. I function well in social situations, but only to a point it seems. I can do well in a group because I can either blend in or copy what everyone else is doing, but I have trouble one-on-one or at events like parties.

I still somewhat suspect I could have aspergers, but I don't like to self diagnose myself. My mom is a hypochondriac, so I have been diagnosed with everything at one time or another, and it's made me a bit wary of my own judgement.



IncredibleFrog
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14 Aug 2014, 12:32 am

Suncatcher wrote:
Speaking about me and my only friend who also happens to have pddnos,

Sometimes it is me who keeps sending messages and who keeps trying to get contact and try to meet up. Sometimes i caught myself doing the same. I have plenty of people in my whatsapp who i havent sent a message back in months even When i feel lonely all my life.. i just do my own thing and forget the world for a while

People in the past kicked me out of their social groups because of this. Forgetting time is unintentionally and we are not aware of it most of the time.


It's hard to know when people expect you to contact them. I still don't completely understand it myself. I also don't think to contact someone, even when I'm feeling lonely. It sounds silly, but I wonder if setting a timer would help. Like in the reminders app for iphone. Maybe I'll give it a try. I feel like a hypocrite complaining that my friends are bad about contacting me, when I have the same issue myself. Still, I do contact them sometimes, where as they almost never contact me.



Suncatcher
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14 Aug 2014, 12:50 am

By the way, by friends i dont mean they really are my friends, just people who i know.

The one with pddnos is the only one who i currently consider as a friend because we always go to theme parks and stuff like that together. She appears to understand me aswell



Stannis
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14 Aug 2014, 1:17 am

IncredibleFrog wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
Aspies tend not to be the greatest "initiators."

I guess it stems from Aspies really liking solitude, time with themselves.

They might have difficulties with the "give and take" involved in making plans--it might not come naturally to them, and they might feel embarrassed and ashamed about their "difficulties" in this area.

I don't think it's any reflection on you. As long as you have fun with them, and they contribute to the good time, I don't think it really matters who does the initiating.

Of course, obviously, I would be flattered if somebody would want to get together with me. I could understand your irritation at the "one-sidedness" of the whole thing.


I think the reason it bothers me is because I have really low self esteem. I have trouble believing anyone enjoys my company. I have this fear that they are only putting up with me out of pity. And of course, I don't want them to feel forced to spend time with me. But then I feel bad, because I wonder if they really would like to do something and don't know how to ask.


I would be surprised if most people did not entertain such notions about their friends at one time or another.



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14 Aug 2014, 1:26 am

Suncatcher wrote:
By the way, by friends i dont mean they really are my friends, just people who i know.

The one with pddnos is the only one who i currently consider as a friend because we always go to theme parks and stuff like that together. She appears to understand me aswell


Isn't that what a friend is? I certainly wouldn't keep going out to theme parks and stuff with someone I didn't consider a friend.