Aspies and suicidal thoughts

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I've had suicidal thoughts since I was about 15.
I think about death a lot.
I like songs, poems and books with death themes.
Death to me is peace.
My dad committed suicide 5 years ago.
He was autistic.

Whilst it's a comfort that I am not alone, and that others too have such afflicted thoughts, there is sadness too in seeing how so many of us in the spectrum suffer in this way.

Much of my suicidal thoughts are OCD in quality and not rooted in being depressed. Although when I am depressed, OCD is admittedly much worse.

On average I catch about 6 underground trains every day of my adult life. My mind always imagines falling under the train. My mind thinks the worst possible scenario 24/7 be it trains, planes, automobiles, relationships, money, health, anything!

In many ways I have learned to just witness it all dispassionately. In so doing I have come to see that I have a far deeper identity beyond my mind. In essence, I don't get so hung up on the details (OCD / catastrophizing thinking) and more able to see beyond the drama of it all. Sure, the OCD or ASD drama goes on unabated, but I know it to not be the truth or deeper reality of my existence.

Depression comes for me when I see the drama of afflicted thoughts as my identity. I have to be vigilant, like playing my guitar, practice makes perfect. I'm still an amateur.

The seeds of darkness and despair are buried within me and can be watered very easily. Often such internal watering goes on without my consent, it's like an automatic sprinkler valve that's been sent off.

The extent to which I can watch this drama with compassion is the extent to which I can be free of the whole drama.
Mindfulness is the game. Cultivating a dispassionate witness is the way out of the game. When I can't find the strength to me mindful, I have learned to be compassionate and gentle on myself. At the end of the day being kind on ourselves is the very least we deserve.

I have certainly had issues with that, attempted when I was 15...and have been suicidal a few times since then, went to the psych ward twice past couple years because I was feeling suicidal and even lately have had thoughts but no plans of acting on it for the time being, but still is concerning.

Just does not seem like something that is entirely going to go away, but it doesn't really have to do with having aspergers specifically more depression/anxiety and PTSD, though the aspergers seemed to make me weird to people who felt that was good reason to bully and ostracizse.

It happens. You're dying. It is another part of life. I think about it. Fortunately I don't do it. Maybe those of us who think about it and do not do it, have already accepted death. It is the warriors way. Go to battle every day. No fear of it. Knowing that you are already are. A prolonged inevitable truth. The experience being the only thing that keeps you wanting to see another day. Just a few simple little things.

All the time, for about as long as I can remember. Attempted suicide a few times, and struggled with self-harm. Obviously I wasn't successful though, and people seem to want to stop me doing it again, so I'm just in limbo.

I have thoughts of suicide sometimes, but most of the time I just wish I would have enough money to live in a house away from people, I also wish I did not have to work or interact with people everyday.

I used to think about death in 6th grade because of so many things going on I couldn't handle it anymore and live with it. I never attempted it, I only thought about it. I even nearly got hospitalized for it once when I said I wanted to do it.

As the title suggests "wrong planet" may be what we feel deep inside. Our neurological differences in thought patterns and general perspective on life itself, tends to set us 'different' from the crowd. Many of us are deep thinkers and challenge ourselves to develop intellectually everyday. We develop differently as a result and have different interests than the majority.

Unfortunately, at least for me, this had made me feel isolated and confused. Not many people understand my thought process and as a result, cannot communicate effectively. When you feel you're speaking a different language apart from everyone, you tend to feel alone in which depression sets in by default. With depression may eventually arise suicidal thoughts.

If nobody can communicate with me / I cannot communicate with them, or I feel I can never understand most others, whats the point of living?

I'd say that I'd been having suicidal thoughts since about 17 when I fell in love with a high school teacher. I had liked her for a few years and we actually ended up hooking up a few times and I felt suicidal when she stopped talking to me.

It's almost a decade later and I've still had suicidal thoughts, mostly over women. Hell I had been cutting myself a few weeks ago and now I'm back in therapy again. Not sure if it's grad school angst or getting rejected by women angst though.

I have a lot of suicidal thoughts although it's been over a year now since I was last actively suicidal. I think that having spent a lot of my life feeling suicidal, my brain has maybe rewired itself and now, when I'm feeling bad, I will automatically have a suicidal thought, even if I don't really want to kill myself. Maybe it's like past suicidal thoughts have eroded a groove in my brain like a river bed and now the 'water' of my thoughts will automatically go that way.

I get suicidal thoughts a lot. I'm on Prozac now so those thoughts have been less these days.

I just learned yesterday that a man from the AA groups I go to committed suicide this week. Very sad. It did have me thinking about suicide again.

Been weaving in and out of suicidal thoughts since I was 12. Luckily I haven't tried it, but I've thought of 'how I would do it now' a lot

I have suicidal thoughts ALL the time, I acknowledge them, then I try to do something else. Honestly, if I killed myself now, It wouldn't make the world a better place. But it wouldn't be a worse off place either. I'm not special, or "evil", or anything different (in the long run) from the other billions of presumably depressed people on the planet. I'm just a filthy dust spec on a bigger dust spec and killing myself won't fix that.

Then I go into this rationalization cycle in my head, of "If you kill yourself, you're only making a mess that some poor bastard has to clean up. You barely have $10 in your purse, how are you going to cover the blood removal costs? That just creating a burden for someone else..."

By that point I'm probably not going to commit suicide anyway, and I distract myself with TV or some task.

Years ago I worked counseling people. I talked with over 400 people as they were attempting suicide. I observed what I would call three types of suicidal thoughts;

1. Event driven like the death of a child or spouse.
2. Transition driven such as getting out of the Army and not finding a way to fit in.
3. Successive approximation where over time the idea becomes more attractive.

While number one can be intense emotionally, it can also be the easiest to leave behind as the event diminishes into the past.

Number two is tricky because a transition from one environment to another may not seem like a big deal but can rip away a context for a persons life and leave them feeling quite hopeless.

However, I have found number three to be the most difficult. It is most often associated with depression and a person over time can begin to see this option as increasingly attractive.

Depression can follow a destructive path similar to alcoholism. The alcoholic may find that he starts to lose friends, then starts to lose jobs, then starts to lose family members having an interest in him. This increasing isolation is usually the result of excessive self-absorption. I am not talking about isolation by choice, but that which comes from a life whose preoccupation with self has reached unhealthy levels and often sees others as just resources to be exploited.

Many people have depression and can think frequently of suicide. It is more of a danger for those who have used threats of suicide to attempt to manipulate others or those who fantasize about it as a "solution" to everything.

There are some things those who feel they are being drawn to suicidal thoughts can do to stem the tidal effect this can seem to have. It usually involves filling our lives with people, structure, and activities that can help carry us along.

1. Family. Unfortunately we live in a time when families ties are thin at best. However, a focus on others and how we can help them, serve them, or provide for them, can often give context, meaning, and hope to our lives.

2. Work. When we are young, work seems to be a curse. As we get older, we can find that it gives our lives purpose and meaning. People pay us for work because they need us. The need to be needed is powerful and while it is best when this need is also extended into our families, it is useful to have this need fulfilled through work as well.

3. Faith. We all have to trust in something. Many trust in the government, some in an activity such as environmentalism, and some trust in their religion. Faith can be misplaced, but it is an important way to contribute structure to our lives.

4. Friends. A kind word or encouragement said at the right time even to a stranger can have a powerful effect. While nice to receive from others, much of the same benefit can be received if you are the one originating these verbal connections.

5. Entertainment. Diversions seldom last, but in a time of decreasing relational connections they can help draw us out of ourselves. Old age at a time when we are rejected by our families and placed in nursing homes can be depressing and the diversions offered by TV can be useful to deal with it.

Since Aspies can be somewhat more isolated from others, it can seem to amplify the isolation for those with depression. One person responded by describing the difference between content and context. For those intrigued by content, there can be many opportunities to focus outward. However, for those who feel their lives have less content or cannot summon the energy to find content or relationship, life can come to be seen as bleak or hopeless.

For those who have been drifting closer to this for awhile, it is important to reach out. If someone can join a support group, library book club, church, political party, or any group that has meetings and relational contact, they might be able to add context and content to their lives.

I used to think about suicide, before I went on antidepressants. I believe that when you die you come back as somebody else, only it is not you exactly, and you don't know your previous ''life'' at all. You will just be another soul looking through the eyes of another body. The word ''you'' contradicts this but I can't think of any other logical word, but you know what I mean. So I used to think ''hmm, I wonder if commit suicide I will come back as an extroverted popular NT with lots of friends and respect?'' But I never done it because I might come back as somebody worse off than an Aspie, like that condition where you are ''normal'' in your head but can't use your body to move about or accomplish tasks and you have to be changed and fed and everything. That must be so degrading for a person who is mentally like the general population but still can't be part of it.

But anyway, back to the point - yes I did think about suicide. I was so depressed I didn't know where to put myself, and I also didn't know where to start on making myself feel happier. I tried everything and I still felt miserable. So the last resort was to go on antidepressants, and they have helped, and are still helping now.