05 Mar 2007, 8:32 am
Hi Pinder,
OCD has been mentioned a few times in this forum, and to be honest I am tired of explaining my condition by painting a horrible picture of, what is quiet simply a progressive ordeal.
OCD effects people in different ways, some find obsessive (intrusive) thoughts more distressfull than the compulsions, or compulsions worse than obsessive thoughts or rituals.
For me, at the beginning I found the intrusive thoughts worse, but due to the extent and complexity of my compulsions to counteract this fear I began to feel more anxious and distressull than the intrusive fear itself.
I began to feel paranoid that people were out to get me, simply becuase I knew they had knowledge of my fear.
My perception of the world around me changed, I could no longer believe in myself nor the world around me, I had never felt so vulnerable before. The difference between other types of OCD between mine was that I believed in my fear, and I couldn't accept no be convinced that my OCD was the cause rather then the problem. I'm sure I had experienced paranoir schizophrenia at some stage in my OCD, I tried to process each thought in my head as logical, but I couldn't accept anyhting, my mind was processing information in a way that I didn't feel human, I felt like a computer with no operating system.
My perception of the world is different now, it seems more like reality rather than one with no meaning or purpose, I have now developed a virtual barrier between myslef and other people which can be variably controlled to protect my vulnerability and allow communication.
My compulsions have been reduced to 3/4 it's original size but my intrusve thoughts and fear still remain, I'm confident that I'm more than half way there to recovery, I just need to feel more confident and not allow that voice inside myself describe an uncaurate picture world outside my head.
05 Mar 2007, 8:21 pm
OCD has been mentioned a few times in this forum, and to be honest I am tired of explaining my condition by painting a horrible picture of, what is quiet simply a progressive ordeal.
OCD effects people in different ways, some find obsessive (intrusive) thoughts more distressfull than the compulsions, or compulsions worse than obsessive thoughts or rituals.
For me, at the beginning I found the intrusive thoughts worse, but due to the extent and complexity of my compulsions to counteract this fear I began to feel more anxious and distressull than the intrusive fear itself.
I began to feel paranoid that people were out to get me, simply becuase I knew they had knowledge of my fear.
My perception of the world around me changed, I could no longer believe in myself nor the world around me, I had never felt so vulnerable before. The difference between other types of OCD between mine was that I believed in my fear, and I couldn't accept no be convinced that my OCD was the cause rather then the problem. I'm sure I had experienced paranoir schizophrenia at some stage in my OCD, I tried to process each thought in my head as logical, but I couldn't accept anyhting, my mind was processing information in a way that I didn't feel human, I felt like a computer with no operating system.
My perception of the world is different now, it seems more like reality rather than one with no meaning or purpose, I have now developed a virtual barrier between myslef and other people which can be variably controlled to protect my vulnerability and allow communication.
My compulsions have been reduced to 3/4 it's original size but my intrusve thoughts and fear still remain, I'm confident that I'm more than half way there to recovery, I just need to feel more confident and not allow that voice inside myself describe an uncaurate picture world outside my head.
I have exactly what you have!
-I call it Jesus Syndrome (except Jesus had a herd to be able to do unto others!)
It got to the piont where I was obsesively thinking that even the twiddle of my fingers would have cause and effect in the 'butterfly effect'. I couldn't do anything .. even sipping water at the right time was a struggle.
There seemed to be a moment in time for everything .. I was obsessed with the fact that I was the observer for all observation (hence the Jesus Syndrome) .. It was more prononced in social situations , where I would 'feel' and 'think' the right time to do anything (like lifting my hand to my nose to scratch it) ... if there was a repetition in the moment they I would be compelled to repeat the action (scratch my nose again, because some-one said the word asparagus again) ... I am prett sure no-one realised or observed what I was doing ... untill it became apparent that some people did see what I was doing (I thik I even 'converted' and taught some people to mimick my obsession . again hence the Jesus syndrome - it spreads to the flock!) -- then as it spread to the flock , I was disconcerted in the fact that my actions had 'an equal and opposite' reaction (complimentary reaction -whatever).
-It all ended and I only still do it a tad - the worst part is that my friends seem to be still doing it. ... my flock remmebered my sermons.
06 Mar 2007, 2:37 am
06 Mar 2007, 6:21 am
