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nyxjord
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31 Oct 2014, 3:14 pm

If you think no one is interested in you, no one thinks that you are attractive and that anything we say otherwise, you are just going to beat down-- then why are you even posting? Obviously the members of this forum are trying to help and you are just pushing them all away. What is the incentive for us to try to prove you wrong when you obviously have made up your mind. I don't understand what it is that you want. I give up.


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CyclopsSummers
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31 Oct 2014, 3:32 pm

nyxjord wrote:
If you think no one is interested in you, no one thinks that you are attractive and that anything we say otherwise, you are just going to beat down-- then why are you even posting? Obviously the members of this forum are trying to help and you are just pushing them all away. What is the incentive for us to try to prove you wrong when you obviously have made up your mind. I don't understand what it is that you want. I give up.

I wouldn't be quite so hard on him, though I can see why his responses would frustrate you. But I see it as understandable that he would brush off some of the replies to his thread, since venting is a very important part of getting one's problem out on the table and clearing the air, so to speak. Sometimes it can be cathartic to rage a little bit before you center yourself and start properly thinking of solutions to your conundrum.


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Raleigh
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31 Oct 2014, 3:54 pm

Your brain is getting fatigued because it's constantly trying to solve a problem and it's not achieving it's goal. This is when your thinking gets a bit off - hence the catastrophising. I wrote about this in another thread - 'self-diagnosed'. I would link it but I don't know how.
Edit: I just found out how.
http://www.wrongplanet.net/posts267444-highlight.html


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y-pod
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01 Nov 2014, 9:17 am

I'm sure many people can relate to relationship frustrations, even NTs. I actually have 5 adult male cousins who are looking for girlfriends right now. Only one of them might be on the spectrum. They all have degrees, good jobs and some even bought their own houses. It's still quite a challenge, because they're introverted geeks who have trouble socializing. Actually my NT DH (also introverted geek) also ranted furiously when I first told him we could only be friends. He had been turned down by several girls before me and was saying unless he's the most undesirable person in the world, it's statistically impossible. :D You're by no means alone in that situation, but desperation usually doesn't help anything.

Relationship and marriage is just one path in life and people don't have to follow that path at all. Look at Temple Grandin, she didn't even try. There's nothing wrong with that. If you can have some "just friends" people you can still get plenty of social life. As others said maybe they can help you find someone, or help you notice opportunities. I never wanted marriage or motherhood, but just accepted whatever life gave me. As a result I never developed much career. If I never married I might have been working in a professional field. Life is unpredictable. When you choose (or got pushed into) one path, you miss the other possible paths. Everyone ponders about those and might regret sometimes. But it's best to just make the best out of situations and move on.


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Genesis
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01 Nov 2014, 3:13 pm

ImAnAspie wrote:
Well, that's it! I reached out to an NT woman whom I've known since I was 3 (a neighbor the same age (47-48) and she said tonight that we'll never be anything but friends.

She knows I have Asperger's and she still likes me but she doesn't want a relationship with me!

Now I know, nobody on this planet wants me. No one else has shown an interest.

I was right in the first place.


I'm undesirable

I'm medling in the affairs of NTs and I just don't seem to cut it!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

Don't reply if you don't want to. I'm very used to being ignored!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !


Just wait awhile on the relationships.... I know its hard to wait, yet its not the end of the world.



Lukecash12
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01 Nov 2014, 5:31 pm

Genesis wrote:
ImAnAspie wrote:
Well, that's it! I reached out to an NT woman whom I've known since I was 3 (a neighbor the same age (47-48) and she said tonight that we'll never be anything but friends.

She knows I have Asperger's and she still likes me but she doesn't want a relationship with me!

Now I know, nobody on this planet wants me. No one else has shown an interest.

I was right in the first place.


I'm undesirable

I'm medling in the affairs of NTs and I just don't seem to cut it!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

Don't reply if you don't want to. I'm very used to being ignored!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !


Just wait awhile on the relationships.... I know its hard to wait, yet its not the end of the world.


That's the last thing someone older needs to hear, my friend. I was in my thirties before I finally married and I had waited so long and tried for so long that I felt suicidal.

Now that I'm on the other side of the fence I don't know if I can handle it again or if I even want it. OP: Imagine how frustrating and senseless people seem to you, now imagine dealing with someone being like that 24/7, now imagine that behavior being exaggerated because neither of you has any space to breathe. You feel assaulted with her expectations and there is no longer anything personal, that was hard because I will always have thoughts that are personal and I feel it is no person's business, even a person I am very close to. Now imagine that she antagonizes you about your ASD symptoms and makes you feel like a terrible person because you "can't give her what everyone else can".

Maybe I'm pretty jaded about it, but maybe you would be too, OP, if you found someone interested in you. Honestly I many times feel that platonic love is more pure and because I am lucky enough to have some good friends who understand me and my symptoms very well, and a brother with ASD who functions similarly, I don't find myself craving female attention any more aside from those occasional urges, of course.


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ImAnAspie
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01 Nov 2014, 10:30 pm

I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship but it just hurts to know nobody wants me. Everyone just wants to be friends and I don't really do friends.

As I've often said, I want to be wanted - without actually being had. I just feel incredibly left out like life's against me.


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jk1
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02 Nov 2014, 4:06 am

I don't think you are inherently undesirable. Probably your feeling undesirable is making you look insecure and less attractive to some people. Many people are attracted to confident jerks than nice nerds. What I'm saying is that confidence plays a major role in the game.

Many posters have already said good things in this thread. I think it's a good idea to read them all again later when you are feeling less unhappy rather than just dismiss them.

Please don't accept just any woman that shows an interest. Some are there to get money and/or other things out of those men that are seeking a genuine relationship. I have seen/heard of some men tricked by those sorts.



y-pod
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02 Nov 2014, 4:59 am

jk1 wrote:
I don't think you are inherently undesirable. Probably your feeling undesirable is making you look insecure and less attractive to some people. Many people are attracted to confident jerks than nice nerds. What I'm saying is that confidence plays a major role in the game.

Many posters have already said good things in this thread. I think it's a good idea to read them all again later when you are feeling less unhappy rather than just dismiss them.



Ya that's good advice. Just see here the evidence of a bunch of strangers who care about you and want to cheer you up, and most of us are "heartless" aspies. :D The world is full of good people and there's hope.

I agree that confident people are more attractive, but nice nerds attract people, too. Women are not like men, who seem to all prefer the same models. Women's preferences are more diverse and a wide range of men can be considered attractive. That's why you see teen girls who all try to look the same and dress the same, but boys don't do that as much. It's best to get someone who like you for who you are.


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Colbey
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03 Nov 2014, 12:29 am

ImAnAspie wrote:
Well, that's it! I reached out to an NT woman whom I've known since I was 3 (a neighbor the same age (47-48 ) and she said tonight that we'll never be anything but friends.


Could this woman see you in a role as a brother? If that is the case her turning you down is nothing to worry about.

After a platonic relationship lasting 45 years I can only assume she feels a type of love for you, but by what she said it is not a sexual or romantic love. That is OK. I would guess you can admit to yourself that you have a feeling of "love" towards her - could it be love in a sense family / friendship that you are confusing with romantic love?

I'm not one who can help with your other romance issues, but don't feel bad because of this one person not thinking of you "that way."



voleregard
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08 Nov 2014, 1:24 am

Seems your mind is made up, but maybe someone else reading this is open to hearing feedback. Girls can pick up on how you perceive yourself. They're tuning in to all the signals you're giving off that you don't even realize you're sending. And if they're picking up on the same type of energy you're sending out here in these posts,

ImAnAspie wrote:
As I've often said, I want to be wanted - without actually being had. I just feel incredibly left out like life's against me.


of you thinking you want to be liked and desired, but not obtained, what's the point in that for them? Why should they go after something that is just going to give them no possibility of attaining? Can you see how that would be a deterrent?

Edit: Check this out. So true: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P53rE9dPGGI
Edit2: and this may help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSDAOocAHXg



Shebakoby
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08 Nov 2014, 2:56 am

y-pod wrote:
I'm sure many people can relate to relationship frustrations, even NTs. I actually have 5 adult male cousins who are looking for girlfriends right now. Only one of them might be on the spectrum. They all have degrees, good jobs and some even bought their own houses. It's still quite a challenge, because they're introverted geeks who have trouble socializing. Actually my NT DH (also introverted geek) also ranted furiously when I first told him we could only be friends. He had been turned down by several girls before me and was saying unless he's the most undesirable person in the world, it's statistically impossible. :D You're by no means alone in that situation, but desperation usually doesn't help anything.

Relationship and marriage is just one path in life and people don't have to follow that path at all. Look at Temple Grandin, she didn't even try. There's nothing wrong with that. If you can have some "just friends" people you can still get plenty of social life. As others said maybe they can help you find someone, or help you notice opportunities. I never wanted marriage or motherhood, but just accepted whatever life gave me. As a result I never developed much career. If I never married I might have been working in a professional field. Life is unpredictable. When you choose (or got pushed into) one path, you miss the other possible paths. Everyone ponders about those and might regret sometimes. But it's best to just make the best out of situations and move on.


Personally i don't believe there is any such thing as a Neurotypical Geek. It sounds like an oxymoron; a geek would HAVE to be on the spectrum (because special interests)



MysterMe
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08 Nov 2014, 7:41 pm

ImAnAspie wrote:
Raleigh wrote:
ImAnAspie wrote:
I don't need to ask everybody on earth, 'would they like to taste arsenic'' to know the answer!

How do you know? There have been many times in my life when if someone had asked me that question I would have said, "Yes please!" Very few things in this life are 100% certain.


I knew someone was going to say that!


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSsDCnCow_Y[/youtube]


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Raleigh
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08 Nov 2014, 7:54 pm

MysterMe wrote:
ImAnAspie wrote:
Raleigh wrote:
ImAnAspie wrote:
I don't need to ask everybody on earth, 'would they like to taste arsenic'' to know the answer!

How do you know? There have been many times in my life when if someone had asked me that question I would have said, "Yes please!" Very few things in this life are 100% certain.


I knew someone was going to say that!


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSsDCnCow_Y[/youtube]

:lol: Love those old B&W movies. There is no doubt what emotions people are feeling in these. Cary Grant is one of my favourite old-time actors.


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ReticentJaeger
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08 Nov 2014, 9:06 pm

ImAnAspie wrote:
As I've often said, I want to be wanted - without actually being had. I just feel incredibly left out like life's against me.


I can relate to this.



MysterMe
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08 Nov 2014, 9:53 pm

Raleigh wrote:
:lol: Love those old B&W movies. There is no doubt what emotions people are feeling in these. Cary Grant is one of my favourite old-time actors.


I think one of the reasons I'm so drawn to live theater, and especially to acting in scripted stage theater, has to do with this. Emotions and interactions in stage performance tend to be somewhat exaggerated and stylized, partially for purely practical reasons (so that a large audience with multiple viewing angles can more easily understand what's happening). But it also makes it easier for me to parse what's going on in a given scene, and I particularly enjoy the feeling of knowing (almost) exactly what to say (and how to express it, and how everyone else will react) when I'm acting on stage. Moreover, I feel that acting has helped me a great deal in terms of understanding human psychology and people in general. Anyway, bit of a tangent, but yeah, that stage style is definitely more prominent in the early films, whereas the more recent ones favor "naturalism" which ironically feels less natural for me (and you, I imagine). Funny old world, ain't it? :roll:


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