Had an overall positive experience growing up aspie?

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I'm glad your son's doing well. In your other posts, I think we can relate to those problems better than making recommendations, because the struggles with executive functioning never go away. I can't make comparisons very well to an NT standpoint, because I never quite understand the other myself. In reading your (and others) posts, there's a foreign feeling in trying to grasp your perspective. My guess is that this goes both ways.

Not meant in a negative or unwelcoming way...just trying to explain.

another thinng that was extremely helpful is that he and his sister were extremely close friends, only a year and a half apart and they were always together for everything. (up til my dughter became a tween and retreated into her bedroom) no jealosies, thank god (I was an only child so it was imporant for me to have my kids enjoy each other and benefit from having each other). Up til recently I've always called them my puppies because they were always jumping and laughing lust like a little puppy. It brought me great joy.

I hope that when fernando doesn't have mommys help anymore and he finds himself in a situatin where he has to make his own friends that he doesnt suffer a great letdown. hopefully by then he's better able to find boys with shrared interests and that that will bring them together......

MrMajor, a foreing feeling in trying to grab my perspetive - what do you mean? that you don't understand what it is i'm trying to understand??

It's hard for me to explain...your descriptions are from an outside/objective outlook. I try to frame my answers in similar language hoping to be more understandable.

I hope I didn't just confuse you...

Well, my questions are from an outside objective outlook, but my descriptions of my son are subjective but I try to be very objective as well when I see what his needs are. I try to to say, oh my little boy, let me do this for you,...I try to say you should be doing this yourself because out in the real world your won't be able to study for you, call your friends for you, make sure you dont bury yourself in your minecraft and isolate yourself from meaningful contact with others, etc.

And when I ask about others aspies experiences it's for 2 reasons

One is to understand teh world of aspergers and the life experiences of aspies for my own knowledge since I was completley unaware of this world til now.

And two, is to understand how those experiences can help me understand my son and his needs.

The NUMBER ONE thing I would emphasize to your son is that he is a person first and an Aspie SECOND.

Asperger's and other Autism Spectrum Disorder does not preclude one from success.

You should read the works of Tony Attwood and Temple Grandin. Temple Grandin was diagnosed (with good reason) as classically autistic in the 1950's. For some reason, her diagnosis was changed to Asperger's. She, to me, is a classically-autistic person who made quite an impact upon her world. Tony Attwood is an Australian who has the landmark theories pertaining to Asperger's.

You might not be getting a lot of positive responses because when the "successful" Aspies on here post about their lives they are accused by the others of bragging and of not even really being autistic. So a lot of the happily married people with AS who work in the field of their special interest might just keep that info to themselves, so they don't stir up the jealous hatred of the rest of the members.

You seem to be working hard to make your son suited for life in a neurotypical world, but the best thing you could do for his long term happiness is to accept that his preferred mode of life is going to be different from yours. Having a large group of friends is the most important thing to you, but maybe it ISN'T for him. When he is playing Minecraft, he is experiencing pleasurable stress-relieving immersion in his special interest (plus SOCIALIZING via in-game chat.) These friends you have cultivated for him will probably move on to places he can't follow socially, and may leave him behind. But for most of us, having a romantic partner plus one or two close friends is more than enough to fulfill our social needs--it's not the tragedy you make it out to be.

You seem very interested in his sense of emotional closeness with others (or with YOU.) For many of us, we didn't grow up to feel love for our parents because they did not communicate any acceptance of our true natures. Constant criticism and insistence on what THEY thought was important made many of us feel fundamentally misunderstood. Denigration of our special interests (like, say, Minecraft) makes us feel personally misunderstood, because we experience those interests as part of our core identity.

My special interests were definitely positive experiences.

When I was obsessed about Beetle Juice cartoon (age 9) I didn't care at all about how other kids threat me because I was imagining what BeetleJuice could do to them if he was there.

When I was obsessed with Harry Potter(age 13) I was keeping my mood high enough because I was believing I am going to get a letter from school similar to Hogwart because I am a bullied outcast just like Harry was before getting to magic school. I was often thinking about explanations why I still didn't get any letter like that although I am 13 already.

And my fascination with death(age 14) was not worse at all. I was not scared of dieing and I was even curious how it is when you die (although I didn't plan to kill myself) so I was above all the human problems. I remember I was dieing in my "nightmares" nearly every night and the good mood I was in in the morning was keeping me alive the whole day. Nothing could destroy it because I was focused on thinking over and over how I died this time, how it felt and what happened then. I was wondering what kind of death I am going to experience next night.

Those helped me survive my childhood and early teenage years.
Due to my NDE dreams I even gained some abilities that I could use in school to get my way. When you fight for your life every night you automatically learn to fight. I knocked down my bullies a few times and that was the end of being bullied because they become scared of me.

Later on, in high-school times I didn't have to really on my special interest anymore. I got into a small school containing only people from good houses (in my area usually poor people are the ones who bully because they are out-reacting this way what happens in their homes) and quite a lot of them was eccentric one way or another. I was finally fitting in. I got a group of friends and survived my high-school life happy as never before.

Last edited by Kiriae on 04 Nov 2014, 8:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hi ariel, (sorry i havent figured out the how to quote thing)

my point about minecraft (or whatever it will be in 2 or 5 or 10 years) is that when you have the flu, or when you're sad, or when you need a hand to move some furniture, or seek advice on how to get this job, or how to approach a girl, the computer will not be able to bring you the medicine, take you to the doctor, listen to your problems or give you advice. Only human connection can do that for you.

That's the only problem i have with the computer.

Please if anyone feels more comfortable sending me a private post, please do so!!

I want to say tath everyone on the forum who has been so kind as to share your persoal experiences, sometimes very painful ones and sometimes very insightful resulting from your own struggles is helping me to do as much as i possibly can to make my son's life be more rewarding and with less suffering than it would have been without your input.

Oh, I made a typo when I said that I wanted to say oh, my poor baby let me do that for you. I meant that it's something that I try NOT to do. (even tho to be truthful, as most mothers, you end up doing the stuff yourself just because it's easier and faster than fighting with a kid to get him to do it)

I'm not saying human connection isn't important. But the internet is all that makes human connection possible for those of us who are socially disabled. Perhaps you should teach your son how to look up the symptoms of flu online, how to find the best rated furniture movers and email them to come to your house, to find job hunting tips, to Facebook message the girl he likes for a date, to order his medicine from the online pharmacy and text a cab to come take him to the doctor, or to post on forums like this one when he needs a listening ear or some advice. Again, you are really emphasizing him doing things your neurotypical way, and not accepting what is surely going to be HIS way of doing things the minute he's out of your control.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO ! ! He needs human love! NO NO NO NO NO NO.

He's here now with his friend alex and they will be going to arduino robotics class in an hour. fernando is playing minecraft and alex is on the wii-u or play palying minecrft as well. that's okay, that's fine with me, they're psyically together relaxing after school and then they will go to this class in another town. if it could always be like this it would be fine. not alone in a room playing on the computer (if it's possible, if not, then okay, but i will do whatever is possible for the kid to get that he will be happier and safer with strong connections and being together at his level, within his abilities, but being with people.

Things like the computer will be downtime for him (for me it's books, or indulging my special interest, or a long walk alone) that will comfort him in ways that people will never be able to. That will never go away, and it shouldn't. Once we learn to self-soothe, we're ardent self-soothers. That's autism, and that's not bad.

By and large, it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Probably because you have had the experience of being kicked around and misunderstood-- this gives you insight, and the patience and willingness to learn to understand. Funny how that works.

Keep working; it sounds as if he's going to be FINE.

Executive functions take time to develop, even with all the help in the world. Mine still aren't fully functioning-- I am the "absent minded professor" only without the professor part-- but they did get better with time and practice (lots of time and practice-- they finally kicked in somewhere in my late 20s).

The biggest thing that helped me with that, ironically, was watching my ASD father executively function. He wasn't great at some aspects of it (like emotional control-- he was never abusive, but always very emotional, and tended to yell, so he got very very good at apologizing, explaining, and making up-- I don't know if it would work for everyone, but it worked for us). He was good enough at things like task planning and time management to run a house; since it was just him and me from the time I was 12, I had to learn. Because I had him for an example-- someone who was like me, had to overcome the same challenges and had developed a system for doing so-- I learned.

There is a book-- How To Teach Life Skills to Kids With Autism or Asperger's, by Jennifer McIlwee Myers. Check it out-- my house is a lot cleaner and we get to more appointments on time since I read it and implemented some of her suggestions.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. An Aspie has to find ways to adjust to the neurotypical world--preferably without sacrificing his/her Aspie identity.

I'm not saying he has to be neurotypical, and have to go into the social whirl. I'm saying that he must do the basics in order to survive in this world. Being a hermit is very difficult, indeed--especially in this age where the government is most reluctant to support people.

If he/she is not able to make the adjustments, he/she is destined for a most difficult time in life.

*shrug* Sorry. I believed you when you said you wanted the Aspie perspective but you seem pretty well locked into your own neurotypical one. No further comments from me. Good luck with that kid.