Tips for neurotypicals with autistic friends and family

Post Reply New Topic

Dear neurotypical,

Above all, please always be honest, even when the truth might be unpleasant for me to hear. You are not helping me by pretending that something I do is okay to you if it isn't (I probably didn't realize I was causing you problems) and telling me a "white lie" makes me feel more hurt when I discover the truth.

I do care about your feelings, but I probably won't be able to tell what they are unless you tell me. I may have trouble interpreting your facial expressions and body language, so clear, direct statements of your feelings are best. Use "I" statements to be less confrontational ("I feel upset when you do XYZ) instead of "you" statements ("you are ticking me off").

Don't drop subtle hints. They will probably not get noticed, or will be misinterpreted. State what you want.

For people I haven't seen in a while, please don't be offended if i don't recognize your face. I remember you, but I have a hard time remembering the face to go with the name, personality, and things you've done. This goes double if I see you "out of context" (a work colleague in the supermarket, or if you changed your hair color). I have friends who know me well enough to walk up and say, "Hi Marty, it's Janet!" if they haven't seen me in a while.

Well I like humor, so no I wont be offended if someone makes an autism joke....then should they be offended if I make a neurotypical joke or some joke about something to do with them? I have not really run into this issue too much, but I am sometimes worried of people thinking they have to tip-toe around it...I feel like that just ends up causing resentment on both sides because they'll get frustrate walking on eggshells trying not to offend, and I'll be frustrated about the tension that would cause.

When I am playing the album Dream, After Dream by Journey in a continuous loop whenever I can for days on end, yes, I'm depressed. No, I don't want to talk to you or anyone for that matter. Leave me alone and let me get mellow with it and de-stress. It's not personal. It's just what I need to reorient myself and calm my happy butt down.

Also please don't be offended when I have my phone off most of the time. If (and when) I want to talk with you, I do have caller ID and voice mail, and when I decide I want to, I will call you back. I have to be on the phone back and forth with people all day at work, and sometimes- in fact, most of the time, at the end of the day, conversation is just too much. It's not you, it's me. A little bit of interaction goes a LONG way with me. I'm a traveler, not a native in your world. Give me space to just be in my world - the world behind my eyes. It's more comfortable for me there.

If you really want to be in my company you will just be there and respect the silence at times and just understand that. Sometimes just presence means more to me than the constant venting about work, whining about this or that undone task, or vapid conversation. I enjoy intelligent conversation with the right people at times, but small talk is vexing and tedious as far as I'm concerned. Unfortunately no one in my family- including my husband- gets that.

Don't freak out if I fall off the planet for a day or three. When I can take a few days off work, I might just disappear for a few days. If I do that, I've planned it out. I am coming back, and the brief hiatus is good for me.