Am I a heartless monster?

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No. My partner's dog died this Spring.

Prior to that, I spent several months getting decreasing amounts of sleep as she grew increasingly blind, deaf, incontinent, and afflicted with seizures. Toward the end of it, I was getting three hours of sleep at one time, and finally, she got to where she no longer took pleasure in her walks and she needed to be comforted and caressed constantly to keep her from being in total panic. I just wanted her to be tranquil and at peace, and I could no longer realistically give that to her.

When we took her in to the vet to have her put to sleep, I was relieved when I saw her relax as the barbiturate started working. I had known she was uncomfortable, and I wanted her to be comfortable. Barbiturates are usually pleasant, so I figure that it's a gentle way to go. I didn't walk out of the room when it was being done because I wanted to see her getting some relief, and as the drug started working, she relaxed in a way that she seemed to be saying, "This is what I've been needing. Relief."

I haven't really lost much sleep over it since. I haven't cried. I haven't really missed her very badly. She was a nice dog, and her ashes remain on the mantle, which I think makes the home feel more alive. Did I behave like a heartless monster? Do I now, keeping the container holding her ashes in view here in my home? I don't think I do. I'm just reconciled.

I've also had animals in my life die in tragic and senseless ways. Those hurt terribly. It's not whether an animal dies. It's whether the manner of death gave dignity to the animal. A dog being put to rest by the same veterinarian who had cared for her since she was a puppy (no other had ever touched her in 17 years), having lived to well beyond her life expectancy and having been treated like a revered elder in her waning years, is very dignified.

Off topic:

It's so cute that Brits call vacuum cleaners "hoovers" and vacuuming "hoovering" or "hooverizing."

Just like in Canada "electricity" in the home is called "hydro."

Ive had 2 dogs and a cat die from natural causes or nasty diseases.

Each time I was glad they were not suffering any more and didn't feel even slightly sad.

My cat died when she was 13 and I didn't mourn over it. She was in bad shape and could barely move so I knew her life was about to end and a month later, she passed away.

We have had other cats that would just disappear and I would miss them but never mourned, we were watching a neighbor's cat and she took off. She kept thinking her old house was her house and she didn't want the new neighbor's cats in their garage.

We did have a dog I didn't like because he was one of those dogs that liked to piss in the house so when he died, I was relieved and my anxiety got better, my mom didn't feel bad either. We also had another dog we had to put to sleep because my dad accidentally ran over him with his truck because he ran right in front of him. I didn't mourn over him either.

Squeaky was the only dog we had where I was actually happy he died and felt no disappointment. My mom calls him "that damn dog" because of the tremendous anxiety and meltdowns he would cause me so it made it harder for her to deal with. I did get to see his body and he looked like he was sleeping but his body was solid hard. My brother and his friend buried him in a plastic container and then put dirt over it. They also made a grave site for him.

When my parents first moved out here, they brought their dog with after getting rid of the other ones they had and she was old. She was blind, deaf, incontinent, had arthritis, and I did not want her in the house because of pee. I was relieved she took off that day and my dad did go to the animal shelter to look for her. She was never found so she may have found a spot to pass away and other animals may have gotten her body because we didn't see her body anywhere when we had the blackberry bushes taken out.

I'm pretty heartless too.

I'll tell you a secret. IRL I am a cold caller. People tell me everyday that their loved ones have just died and I just say "Oh sorry to hear that mr jones" and then I just carry on with what I'm saying with very little regard for their loss.

It's life that makes you hard. And sometimes you just become immune to what people are saying to you, especially when you've heard it a thousand times before.

Anyway...I'm putting a pizza in now. Anyone want a slice?

That's alright for one quid, save me a slice, Ill be there pronto, lol

^^I've whacked it. It didn't even touch the sides.^^

^^ ^^Lol