Diagnosed As Adult ... Parent/s Don't Believe?

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This seemed true of my parents.

Also, it seems as though having successful children enhances a parent’s social status. As parents seem to “compete” with their friends (and others in their social hierarchy) on the basis of how successful their children are (based upon academics, extracurricular activities, colleges attended, etc. etc. etc.). After all, the children are an extension of them.


My parents wanted me to be normal. They did everything possible to make this happen. They didn’t want to be perceived as being bad parents. So, they forced me into uncomfortable situations in order to “fix” me. So, I would be like other kids. I think that was the common parenting style in the 1960s, 1970s.

Unless you live with your parents, it is probably not worth trying to get them to accept autism diagnosis that they don't accept. It is probably hard for them to view you as other than just you, without any label. Even when their child gets a positive label indicating success, like Doctor or General or Director or something, it is probably hard for their parents to view them as other than just them, which is probably what most people would want their parents to view them. My parents told me that no matter how old I get or what I do, I will always be just their child to them, that view can never change.

My Dad still views me as he did the day I left the house (almost 30 years ago).

I am only part-way being funny.

I seem to be luckier than most adults in this respect, given that I have at least one parent (my mum) who has no problems believing and who indeed suspected possible Asperger's long before I did.

Perhaps it helped that I was a blatantly weird, uncommunicative, unaffectionate kid who didn't get on with other kids. After that inauspicious start to life, I became 'higher-functioning' enough to get through 12 years of mainstream school. You could have sent a robot in my place to school and I doubt the teachers would have noticed a thing: they would probably still have written exactly the same clichés in my school reports. (Although one of them did write I was prone to "temper tantrums". Unfortunately rather than helping me out, it just gave my brothers new material to torment me with. Not constructive.)

I never flourished at school and the few friends I managed to make I had a lot of problems with. However, school provided a set routine/structure to the day; once that came to an end my inability to cope with life became more obvious. It was around that time my mum sent off for some Asperger's literature. Unfortunately for some reason she didn't want me to know about it; she kept it a secret then, when I found the literature anyway, angrily denied it was about me. Both of us dropped it for another 20 years or so.

When a chance opportunity for an adult autism assessment came up, my mum was supportive and came with me to the assessment. Basically, my mum has always known there wasn't something quite right about me: I think that is a part of why she has sheltered me so much. If she wanted children who reflected well on her, she was doomed to disappointment from the start: in terms of success and achievements we have virtually nothing she can brag about.

Luckily, she has never cared about having children who are an extension of her or who make her look better. To that extent she doesn't have any need to be denial about us. (I think the only thing she is in denial about is my brothers' bullying of me when I was a child; unfortunately I can't ever see her fully accepting it. She just makes excuses, refers to her family, etc.)

My dad is almost the complete opposite to my mum in that I don't think he has any ability to understand other people. He thinks he does, but he really doesn't: some of the theories or explanations he has come out with about my behaviour are just baffling or even insulting. Ironically enough, he's probably on the spectrum himself, not that you would ever get him to admit that: I wouldn't even bother bringing it up to him.

Sorry, kind of went into my life story a bit too much, but I spent too long writing it to be willing to delete any of it... >.>

There's nothing censorious about your life story; it's actually not that far from norm for many people.

My mother still thinks of me as this irresponsible teen-age type person who will fail her at important times.

The last time I failed her: I was in my early 20's, and I didn't show up for the train to my brother's house for Thanksgiving. She was waiting for me. I never showed up. That was 30 years ago.

She hasn't brought it up over the last five years--but, if anything inspires her, she'll bring it up.

My father views me similarly as he viewed me when I was a teenager. He's glad, though, that I learned how to drive.