Why do some of us have friends and the rest of us don't?

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Um, that's what people do to me all the time. Instead of seeing that I'm a nice person, they verbally attack me because of a few harmless quirks what I can't help. I don't judge people. I am very open-minded, and if somebody's eccentric, all the better. All I look for is if they are a nice person, even if their quirks can make them seem obnoxious or something, I can still recognise that they're a nice person underneath. I do wish more people could be like this, then more of us would be accepted and less of us will be bullied.

I am one of the most trusting people alive. People can tell me a secret, and that secret will be safe with me. If another person wanted to find out this secret, I will lie just to keep the secret safe, without dropping any hints. I've proven to be this trusting too. But people just say ''oh she's too eccentric, she gets on my nerves, never mind that she's trusting, thoughtful, empathetic and a good friend to have, she's still stupid and annoying. I don't want to be friends with her any more.''

I guess the differences of how people find and keep friends are too subtle to explain.

B19 said some wise words but we need to be careful about being a good person.
Even though it is not logical, from my experience, people does not like if we are too good for them. Don't get me wrong, i can't completely understand this either, but i think that if you are too passive or too "giver" to a person in a relationship you pass some kind of bad vibe for them. I've done this (and i've seen people doing it) and in most of the cases the people that is too passive or too "good" will not be seeing as someone interesting, but as someone desperate for affection and attention.
I don't mean that you should be selfish/a jerk to have friends i just mean that trying too hard can scare people away. It's hard to find the middle place between being both places, but you should try to be natural at the same time that you pay attention to the person you want to be friend with.
But i also think that sometimes a friendship just happen. I have two persons that i can call friends close to me right now and i haven't done things too different from the other times that i've failed in the past. Being on the spectrum require some patient and comprehensive people to create any kind of relationship, so it's kind of another difficulty to overcome that is way out of our control.

I have worked so hard in this area. Learning how to small talk. Learning what to say to comfort people (and hoping it comes of sincere because it is sincerely meant even if it is not always "felt.") Learning to keep quiet about my own interests and ask meaningful questions that make the other person feel important. Learning (for the most part) to keep my opinions and advice to myself. I am kind and generous.

Yet, I cannot keep a friend. My husband is my one-and-only long-term friend. I am thankful I have him, or I'd have nobody.

It is not that I have *never* had friends. The closest friends I ever had broke up due to one of us moving. And while I tried, for a while, to stay in contact with the person, the other person really did not put in the effort needed to keep the friendship alive. After a while, I gave up. I can't keep a friendship going all by myself! I guess these people all got busy with their new lives and their new friends and the fact that I was missing from the picture didn't affect them much.

I have had so many "situationships", as my husband puts it: people I see that I talk to on a regular basis. And that's it. It is rare to get invited to do anything with anyone, or to have suggestions of getting together responded to. It is rare to get asked by anyone what's going on with me. Most people just want to talk about themselves and amongst themselves. I have always been on the outside of the group.

I'm not one to go around advertising what's going on with me. I will talk about stuff with someone who I think might be interested, but most don't show any interest. Other than that, I politely listen, nod my head, and ask good questions when someone else is talking. These "situationships" never evolve into a real friendship. Most of the time, I don't care because the people involved aren't exactly my type. But, I often do wish there was something about me that was different that would 1) make me enjoy these people more, and 2) help move relationships from "situationship" to real friendship.

I envy those who still talk to their friends from college. I had friends then, some who I thought were very good friends, including my bridesmaids. But for reasons unknown to me, people have not kept in touch. It was not for lack of me trying! I have come to the conclusion that when I leave someone's life, they are relieved. I guess they feel no guilt about leaving me in the dust. They keep gathering friends about them while my one or two friends are now gone and I'm left alone.

The fact that this friendship dance is subtle explains why we can't figure out the steps, does it not?

How am I supposed to know the line when I am being "too nice" or "not nice enough"? What is "natural"? If I could know what "be natural" was, then I wouldn't be here. "Be natural" is going to look different in every relationship. "Be natural" in the midst of great anxiety.

This is a very accurate description of almost every relationship (or situationship, i like that) that i've had in my life.



Exactly. There is no definitive step-by-step guide to have friends, and if i knew the answer for any of those questions i would be so happy right now
The ingredients are basically those, and the "ultimate hardest expert" problem is finding that line between being too nice/not nice enough, asking too much questions/not showing interest, talking too much/being too silent and the list goes on.
That's why i said that sometimes finding the right person (that is something that most of the times is out of our control) will also be the definitive step that will make things happen. There are people that i'm sure that doesn't matter how hard i could have tried the friendship would not have worked, and there are some rare cases that it simply does.

I can't seem to get it right.

I'm too nice or too mean. I can come across as mean inadvertently.

I agree with who said that being too nice is not a good thing. Most people want a little but not too much tension in their relationships. There has to be balance. Being too nice=being desperate, starved for affection/attention. If i can get a relationship every few years, that would be very good. I had a crush, but I think I scared him off. Sometimes I'll have a convo with someone only to have them disappear (potential friends and romantic relationships). Later I'll realize that I said something completely wrong. For example, one guy knew I loved books. He asked if I would pick books over him. In a moment of not thinking, I said "Yes." It's little lapses of thought and honesty like that that cause me to lose relationships. I get called beautiful, and it's still not enough to offset my faults.

My longest relationship was with an addict, maybe because I didn't have to provide a lot of emotional support.

At this point in my life, I'm not sure if I can handle the ups/downs of romantic relationships. People dump me out of the blue with little or no explanation. That hurts.

Let's see-
I'm weird/say weird things
I come across as not liking people. People are ok, I just don't need socialization the way other people need it.
I do not relate well to most women.
I can be hyper. Sometimes I laugh really loudly.
+1 for having situationships. That's the perfect word.

I problems with conversations. Sometimes I stutter. I get shut out of conversations. Other people dominate a convo while I watch on the sidelines. They switch topics, and I want to talk about a previous topic.

I have also, more than once, been involved with a group where I *thought* I had friends.

What happened is at some point, I did something unpredictable. What I mean by unpredictable was something that was "out of line" with what people in the group "expected" of me. I'm not talking about something morally wrong or even offensive or mean or selfish. Just different. Just something that didn't "fit."

Apparently, these decisions are enough to break friendships even though they are relatively minor. And I recognize "Oh, I thought we were friends but now I see that we are only if I fall in line and support your agenda."

There is no room for diversity. I guess that's too much to ask for.

I can't speak for other people with ASD, only myself. And for most of my life I have observed that other people see (or at least, practice) relationships and the whole concept of commitment very differently from the way I do.

I know exactly what nerdygirl means by "situationships." Those I can handle. A friendship is different. To me, a friendship means that you are entering a real commitment with someone else. You have to care about each other, listen to each other, and be there for each other when needed. It's all about mutual support. If you don't care about the other person enough to hold up your end, you shouldn't even bother. And I am not ready for that kind of commitment. I don't have the energy for it. So I don't bother. That kind of thing is hard to build and easy to destroy. If you say you're going do something or be someplace at a certain time, and you are not, you are someone who can not be depended on and you will lose my trust. That has happened with many people I thought could be my friends.

Meanwhile, all around me I am seeing friendships between NT's that are not really friendships at all. They might befriend someone else simply for convenience, favors, material benefits, or to get closer to other people they're more interested in. And that just discourages me further. Then there are my own extreme social difficulties. What does the other person want from me? Do I really want to talk to them anyway? If I do, what should I say? How should I say it? What if I say something the "wrong way," whatever that is? I can't deal with all these unspoken rules and constantly changing expectations. I'm a guy with depression, anhedonia, poor communication skills, low energy, and high standards, surrounded by people I can't trust. Of course I don't have friends.

Maybe other people with ASD do have them. I don't claim to understand how; maybe they have thicker skin, less emotional needs, and more energy. But I've been misunderstood, disappointed, and burned too many times. I don't have a lot of hope or optimism left in my life, and what little I do have is too precious to be invested in a close relationship.

OMG that's exactly what I've said about female friendships. (I have no idea about friendships amongst men.) People get pissed when I have pointed out that most female friendships are phoney. I've seen them implode. One day they are friends, the next day they are trying to ruin each other's lives. I guess you're not supposed to point it out???

friends are too much work and they are not worth the effort.

I agree. I'd rather be alone than have to try hard to keep friends.

I am one of those that can't have friends. I may sometimes have short-term "friends". They come and go. I used to feel depressed about that but not any more. I just don't know what to say when I'm with people. I end up being awkwardly silent or saying something weird. Either way people get put off. I don't even get the chance to get to know people. I'm just not capable of playing the game.

i just get on with what i want to do and people feel left out. they do not like that. one has to pretend to be interested in them to keep them around, and that is too much work and not worth the effort considering i am not interested in their interests anyway.

Not a clue. I'd say outgoing, but other shy people have friends. I'd say being nice, but I'm happy to talk to a total stranger in the cafe and not judge them for having a My Little Pony notebook or having a speech impediment. I'd say having social skills, but I'm capable of working as a peer tutor and clearly have some. I'd say common interests, but I'm interested in some common things like mainstream movies and am open-minded to hearing what other people are interested in. I'd say being interested in others, but I already do like learning about people. I'd say it's some cliche like "loving oneself", but I don't hate my personality and interests - it's just depressing that it means I have no one.

I've worked my entire life and am still working so that I can have a better career that involves social skills, but I have no friends outside of the Internet and doubt that's going to change.

Keeping perspective is helpful - some of these people who reject friendship - it's their loss, not yours, and they weren't worth having as friends anyway, they weren't worthy of your friendship, and they wouldn't have added anything positive to your life.

In this current environment of 'celebrity culture' there is so much more emphasis on the superficial, and it's a hard time to be young if you are more interested in depth and character in people and in yourself. Yet good friends are one of life's great pleasures, a comfort in the bad times, people to share joy with in the good times; I think it becomes easier to find and make those kinds of friendships as you get older. You have a clearer idea of who you are and what you can offer, and what other people are and whether they are capable of being good friends. No friends are better than bad friends, despite the loneliness (which can be painful) while the search goes on...

Yup yup.

If Nts had to try really hard, consciously thinking of all the rules and of everything that could go wrong, they wouldn't get the same joy out of friendship.

I felt bad because i didn't feel bad about not having friends, esp female ones. Now I don't care. If it happens, it happens. I grew up feeling different and being alone. I suppose that will continue.

That's what I thought, too. When I was true-friendless as a teenager, I thought "when we all grow up things will be better." And while adults are less judgmental for the most part, I still don't have the friendships I expected to have. It doesn't just come with age. And it gets harder to meet people, too, because you get into your rut with work and/or family or whatever else. Life becomes relatively static, and one must really put in a tremendous amount of effort to break out of that.