Asperger's dating statistics

Post Reply New Topic

I don't think of myself as "below average"--but here goes.

First "making out": 14
First "real" girlfriend": 16
Lost virginity: 17
Age at marriage: 34
Sexual partners before marriage: about 30
One-night stands: Maybe about 20

None of this indicates the "quality" of the person I am. It indicates I was a bit desperate LOL

Who cares about NT norms if you're happy in your relationship? I mean I don't exactly consider having had 25 boyfriends before 30 as successful. Having had a few and then found the right person to settle down with is more successful. I've never dated casually or played around. Only had a few "serious" relationships and I withheld sex until my wedding night. Don't regret it a bit. As far as I observed, aspies don't enjoy the "games" but prefer the security and support of a steady relationship. I have a hard time believing an aspie missing playing around having random sex with people.

I guess I felt that my lack of success in the past meant that I was unattractive. I didn't know I had Asperger's until recently, so now am learning that it might have been due to being clueless about cues. I hate to think that maybe I haven't really changed that much from the kid who always got beaten up and school and called an unflattering terms for a homosexual because none of the girls in school liked him or found him attractive. That kind of stuff can really affect you and haunt you for the rest of your life.

Let alone an aspie, it is puerile to keep score in that manner even for an NT and NTs do get told that. There's more to life than winning some dubious sexual arms race.

For some reason (I know it is silly) I still freak out about being below average in things related to attractiveness and what the opposite sex thinks of you. Maybe due to the childhood sexual abuse I feel a need to prove myself otherwise. I was rather ugly for a long time and really tried to improve myself. I still get thinking about if something happened to my wife, would I ever be able to get another date or relationship? My history wasn't very good at that. It just bothers me to be below average in attractiveness related things. That is why, now that I learned I have Asperger's, and that we probably have our own set of norms, that I was hoping to measure average amongst us, at least.

I just don't get into the whole money, expensive clothes, expensive car impressing people that way deal. It just seems that I am superficial in another way, I want to impress people with my appearance and that the other sex finds me desirable. It is hard to think that maybe you aren't. (at least that is hard for me). People I work with say that I am not unattractive. Most of my college years made me feel like I was because I just wasn't getting the dates and relationships most of my peers were.

That seems to put you above average in several categories. Heck, I would be thrilled to know that that many people found me attractive. I wasn't very selective, but I guess the girls weren't just desperate enough for me!

That works as a general description of aspies too


Two things which some to mind are that ASDs are likely to be a more diverse group than NTs anyway also that some very subjective criteria can be involved.

What's your source for those statistics?

I'm fairly sure the bottom one is not supported by British government statistics, and I can't help thinking that the middle three don't reconcile particularly well. 10 sexual partners - 6 one night stands = 4 non-one night sexual partners. That means only half their "relationships" are consummated (assuming they don't have "two-night stands" or some such)!

To be honest, those figures reek of "made up". I'm not saying you made them up, but I bet someone did. Eight relationships before marriage at 30? That just doesn't square up for me.

If two people make love, there is "consummation" on both sides.

Gender: Male
First kiss: 23 yo
Lost virginity: 23 yo
Marriage: 24 yo
Total # sexual partners: 5
Sexual partners in 2014: 3

We should get Kinsey, and Master's and Johnson here!

It's always rather baffled me that people with partners have any concerns at all about their ability to attract new partners, but they often do, and the angle that no partner is immortal seems a strong one logically, for anybody who was never confident with the opposite sex before finding their current partner. The problem is that there's only one way to prove attractiveness, i.e. infidelity. Personally I prefer to think that if you focus on platonic friendship and get that right, sexual matters will look after themselves. Statistics may help you to feel better, but I think if a person is bothered by their position in league tables for such things as "how many girls have you managed to sleep with?" then they've left the path of wisdom.


For me, this "global attractiveness" concept falls apart when you consider how each individual has their own set of values. Particularly, I think women tend to find a man's physical appearance less important than them being the right kind of person for them. The only way to be globally attractive is to be all things to all women, which can't be done sincerely. I think there are better ways of defining oneself.

I believe "common interests" and "common background" often are prime impetuses for romance.

It's always rather baffled me that people with partners have any concerns at all about their ability to attract new partners, [quote]

You aren't the first one to tell me that. Plenty of others (especially on this board) wonder how I could worry about success when I am in a good marriage to an attractive woman.

I heard a program on PTSD last week on the radio. One of the things that this researcher said was that people with PTSD have a distorted sense of time. Instead of staying focused on the present, they keep returning to the past instead.

One of my therapists things I suffer from PTSD due to the childhood abuse I suffered. I haven't looked into PTSD that much, but I guess I do fit some of the symptoms. Somewhere else I remember reading that once someone develops PTSD, it is easy for them to develop it again over new traumas. I am wondering if the problems I had with dating in college were enough to be classified as a trauma and that I am having a PTSD reaction over it-why I keep returning to think of that rather than focusing on where I am at now in opposite sex relationships.

It did seem somewhat traumatic to see most of the people you know getting into relationships, or having lots of sex partners, and not be able to do any of that yourself. You start to feel really unattractive, like no one ever likes or approves of you, like you will never get married or having a girlfriend. You start to believe that the stuff you were told while being bullied is still true and that you will never be a better person, that you will never get over it, and always be a reject and an outcast. At least that is how I felt and what I told myself.

I guess just for once I would like to think that I am normal or average in areas relating to dating and attractiveness, even if it is amongst Apsies, who should be seen as my real "peer group", at least when it comes to social things. Probably a PTSD reaction, as the other areas of my life where I have accomplishments or where I am above average just don't seem to do anything much for my self esteem. At least I am below average in the amount of credit card debt I have!

I'm sorry but this post makes me a tiny bit angry ? EDIT: I just saw your last message, I can see where you are coming from so my anger was misplaced (I apologize). But it is far from being a good way to see life.
Your value do not depend on other people, or external factors. You are human, you are worthy of love and don't let anything convince you otherwise.

You just want Aspie dating statistics so you can feel better about yourself. Basically in a line of thinking close to "As long as I do better than those losers". I may be wrong but it strongly feels like it.

Also what's with this attitude of measuring your own attractiveness by the number of partner you had in the past ? It isn't very much related. I saw this attitude a lot when I was in High School and frankly, it was insulting to find out that this guy was only dating you to prove to himself that he wasn't a loser. And trust me, IT SHOWS. It really shows when the person is trying to get with you, not because they are interested in you as a person, but because they think dating you proves something. It's selfish.
I don't know if it's your case, I don't know you. But the way you talk about "below average", "above average" and obsessing about this kind of matter (even though you are married!) strongly reminds me of this type of person.

Romance happens when you find a person that becomes a special part of your life. It is different for each and every person and it even depends on the situation! It's so different every time, there's no rule for it. It's NOT like some kind of mathematic rule: attractive = 100% chance to get a girl (with it's correlation: lots of girls = lots of attractiveness).

Now, I might as well give my opinion on what it means to be attractive (I don't pretend to hold the truth).
I think what each person finds attractive is based on their own taste. It's impossible for someone to be universally attractive. Some traits tend to make you look more attractive to the majority of people. That's it. Why would you want to attract everyone, as long as you are attractive in the eyes of the person you love ?
Also isn't the most important thing that you find yourself attractive first ? I mean you're the one having to live with yourself 100% of the time, for all your life.
I see absolutely no reason for external validation in this matter. There will always be someone who disagrees. Then who to believe ? How do you even know what people are really thinking ? Will it really change your life to know that someone find you unattractive (or average) and someone else find you attractive ?

Thanks for the feedback an insight. That is good stuff to hear. I wasn't wanting Aspie dating statistics to look down on them as a group-I just figured that since I have Asperger's as well, it isn't good to use NT statistics since they can all understand the social world and interactions so much better than I can.

I guess there was a lot of other junk going on during my college and early graduate school years as well-alcohol and drug addiction, poor eating, overweight, and just an unhealthy lifestyle. At least I have changed those things and it seemed to work.

I still don't understand much about life, how people end up meeting each other and getting dates even though it has happened to me a few times. I guess I have to believe that if something did happen to my wife, I could make it happen again. At least now I know I have Asperger's and that I really need to study up on social interactions, cues and stuff like that, because the things that come naturally to most people still leave me clueless. I always figured that those doing better than me were just more attractive, which left me feeling pretty bad about myself. I didn't know that they were so much better at reading social cues, and knowing how to act in social situations, etc. Or probably more accurately, I didn't know I was so poor at it. I wish it didn't take me so long to find out that I have Asperger's, but at least I know it now, know what deficits are related to it, and how to try and do better in those areas. The other day my wife told me that she didn't experience me as being different than other people, that is worth something right there!!