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kraftiekortie
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29 Jan 2015, 11:14 am

If I knew you, I would support you.



DanicaBananica
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29 Jan 2015, 11:23 am

I used to be really bad at joining in conversations that involved talking bad about somebody else, or agreeing with someone about another person (if they were being negative) - even if that other person had been a friend for years.
I always try to do the opposite now, or I just stay out of the conversation. Sometimes though if someone makes me mad I have a hard time not getting annoyed or irritated or venting about them with someone else who is doing them same... but I try to point out their positive aspects.

I think talking about other people is pointless and creates a negative energy around you, and them.


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kraftiekortie
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29 Jan 2015, 11:35 am

If somebody said something bad about somebody that isn't true, I would intercede for that somebody, and relay the truth.



Edna3362
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29 Jan 2015, 12:28 pm

Rumor mongers (the 'good and bad'), crab-mentality, positive/negative envy/jealousy as a 'motivation', being superficial (the local term here is 'being plastic') and sorts of dramas... I've seen and heard them. And I'm actively dodging them.
I don't engage them, because it's pointless.

I see it as the same thing all over again, but only with different names, degrees of truth/lies, and 'flaws and faults' added/subtracted.

People enjoys bringing up scandals and controversies. Whether it's true or not, they take interest in it. It's a very common theme here, and I'm rather tired of it. From the locals to the celebrities. Simply put it that it's one of their 'source of entertainment' in socializing and media.
It's also one of their 'common ground' (but at one's expense if it turned out negative), usually for the sake of conversation. Whether people actually knows the person or not. They're so 'entertained', they don't care sometimes.

Overall, I don't get it. It's pointless. Like I said, it's just the same thing all over.


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TheAP
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29 Jan 2015, 12:38 pm

nerdygirl wrote:
Talking about others is not necessarily gossip. Sometimes, you might catch up a mutual acquaintance in "what's going on" if the other person has been out of contact for a while. This isn't the time to tell someone's problems - you would only mention neutral things like, "So-and-so is in school studying ____________, or is working at ______________, or the kids are doing ______________, or just got married/engaged, or just had a baby, or went on such-and-such vacation." Just reporting, not giving opinion/making judgment. You would not talk about their marriage falling apart or getting fired. Stay away from anything negative, for the most part.

You can also talk about people in a good way - highlighting someone's accomplishments or giving a recommendation. You can always share positive things you know. Hearing about a compliment third-hand is the best kind!

If you *must* say something negative, do not make judgment on a person's character unless you *must* warn the other person about it. In this case, it is important to ask the question, "Is it NECESSARY?"

A lot of the context regarding talking about other people has to do with the person you are talking to. How close are you to that person? Can you trust that person to keep something between the two of you, or will that person gossip? Can you trust that person not to be judgmental? Is the person you are talking to close to the other person you both are talking about?

I think talking about people in public/groups is generally bad unless everything said is positive. If you must say something negative, make sure it is said in private. (I personally consider email a public forum, so be careful what you say about others in emails.)

The point of "gossip" (the bad kind of talking about people) is to make another person look bad in the eyes of the person/group one is talking to, especially in a way to build up oneself up/make oneself look superior.


That's true. Not all instances of talking about another person are mean and malicious. You can talk about another person positively, too--nothing wrong with that. But when the conversation starts heading in a negative direction, that's when it gets more complicated. I think sometimes you need to vent your feelings about someone to just one other person. But there's no need to broadcast it to your whole friend circle.

It's hard to know sometimes whether something is malicious gossip or not. I don't necessarily think people are bad people just because they say one bad thing about a person; like I said, almost everyone I know has done it. But I agree: try to stay away from the negative. Consider whether what you're saying is true or not.



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29 Jan 2015, 2:09 pm

mrspotatohead wrote:
I don't understand this thing a lot of people do... particularly women, but men do it too sometimes... they will all simultaneously decide to say as many negative things as possible about a person they all know, and if you mention anything positive about that person during such a conversation they will all just stare at you with disgust, or they may even turn on you as if you've just insulted them. I believe it's called "dishing"... I don't like it. I can always see something positive in other people even if there is a lot negative, and it doesn't seem fair for everyone to just trash someone nonstop like that.


I think everyone does this to a degree.
-If someone does well in life, everyone else rejoices to their face but begrudges them secretly and skeletons from their past are dusted off, re told and connected to their present situation, usually over cups of tea. If someone experiences misfortune, the same thing happens, but they receive commiserations to their face. Laughter is usually a part of both scenarios.
I don't partake in those conversations, unless its to make a ridiculous joke and lighten the mood.

-Ive known other people who talk about another persons joy or misfortune as a method of celebrating their success, or group problem solving for them.

-Other times it can be simple problem solving about an interpersonal scenario with other people, perhaps with some venting.

I think it depends on the disposition of the person doing the dishing and the context. (I know that term as part of the phrase 'dish the dirt')



fifthgear
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29 Jan 2015, 6:23 pm

One of the consequences of my social issues is that I find gossip (is this the same as dishing?) absolutely DISGUSTING! While I don't have the level of social skills that an NT has, I at least have the sense to realize how clearly WRONG it is for people to make entertainment of the hardships, (admittedly) poor decisions, and/or misfortunes of others.

Surely the NT sense of reciprocity (theory of the mind) should be enough to nip such actions in the bud. Yet it takes someone like me, a social 'idiot', to realize the hypocracy of the behavior. I say 'hypocracy' because anyone old enough to have experienced life surely has also gone through something that could serve as someone else's "entertainment" (i.e. gossip) material.



cathylynn
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29 Jan 2015, 6:32 pm

mrspotatohead wrote:
I'm just feeling really isolated lately, especially with my chronic pain disorder, so I feel the loss a little more when I think of things like this... I can't even find a chronic pain support group because I'm an atheist/nontheist and all the support groups focus on having a higher power to support you...



just have your higher power be love or wisdom. it's what i used in a 12-step group.



kraftiekortie
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29 Jan 2015, 8:17 pm

Cathylynn hit the nail on the head, I believe.

I should have thought of that!



BetwixtBetween
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29 Jan 2015, 8:50 pm

I don't like dishing and I refuse to participate in it.



iammaz
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30 Jan 2015, 8:22 pm

Is "dishing" when the person is present? or only behind their back?

I have noticed a pattern where people will do this kind of "dishing" behaviour with the target present, and in most cases, the target will contribute their own self-deprecating suggestions. Jokes are made about these otherwise insulting comments and i think it is a test for what is okay to talk about within the group. when the target has had enough, they can shift the target of the insults to someone else (the 'funniest' insult seems to be the most effective at shifting the focus of the group).

I noticed this in Australian culture. YMMV.
Maz



kraftiekortie
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30 Jan 2015, 8:34 pm

If all are present, and they insult each other, it's called "ranking out" or "playing the dozens."



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30 Jan 2015, 9:54 pm

I didn't know it was called "dishing". People around me often call it a "bitching session". I see this happen in most places, work, school etc.

When a group of people are bitching about someone (the target), what does that tell you about the target? Nothing, because it's full of exaggerations and lies. But it does tell you something about those people that are engaging in dishing: they are not nice people and they cannot be trusted.