Funerals - Whether or Not to Go

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I didn't go to my maternal grandfathers funeral because he had mentally "died" a long time ago. I don't regret not going. I do regret visiting him in the old peoples home when he was senile.
I did go to my maternal mothers funeral and I found it very cathartic.
In both cases I did what was right for me. I don't feel that I was treated differently by people by my choices. Will you be "punished" by family members for not going or will they understand? Do you really want to go but need support?

I want to add that the funeral I attended recently for a friends mother was amazing, everyone told stories about her life, she was so adventurous and mysterious. Of course I cried but I felt better after. There was even a folk band that she used to go and sing with that played and sang at the funeral. Is it possible that this sort of memory of everyone who loved your grandmother sharing their happy memories and grief together would be a great one to have?
HUgs anyway

if you explain to your immediate family beforehand how you want to grieve I think its ok.

This is your relationship

My condolances on your loss of a loved one Eggheadjr.
Grieving in your own way does not make you a bad person.
I think if you want to avoid difficult interpersonal family relationships in future years, then it is advisable to go, but maybe be there on your own terms, in the background and for a limited amount of time. Perhaps traveling on your own to increase your mobility.
Loss like this is a deeply personal matter, and striking the balance between social expectations and your personal wellbeing is only something you can decide, I'm sure you have experienced enough funerals to be aware of their impact on you.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. It's been a tough few days.

I've made the decision to go to the funeral. The reason is so that I can support my family - my mom and my aunt are having a really difficult go of it right now. If I can be there for them, then its a good thing.

I won't be at the visitation, but I will be at the funeral and the reception afterwards. After that I'll be turning the truck around and heading for home (my grandmother lived in another city, four hours drive from where I live).

I look forward to when I'm back home so that I may grieve privately, as I truly prefer to do.

You did the right thing.

Condolences on your loss.

Best of luck, Egghead.

I find funerals provide a sense of an ending and a bit of an outpouring for grief. Whilst I endorse their benefits, I don't think you have any obligation to go for the honour of the dead. They're for the living.

My grandma didn't attend my granddad's funeral because she thought it would be too hard, and they'd been happily married for nearly 50 years. I don't think you'd be slighting anyone by not showing, but supporting your living relatives is a good thing to do.

Gawd that's harsh of your family to do that to you
You did not deserve that at all!
I'm sry that happened to you.

The dearly departed is always a wonderful person, who did amazing good deeds. Everyone is sad they are gone, and agrees they they were indeed a beautiful individual.

At my funeral, I want several of my close friends to remark that I could sometimes be a bit of a skunk, and often said mean things to them.

You must be the most anti-social narcissistic as*hole on this WrongPlanet!

Nobody is denying his right to make up his own mind. He asked for people's opinions and that's what he got. Who are you to judge us for speaking our minds? Just because you choose to shove your own head up your ass, doesn't mean we all have to do that?

eggheadjr - I'm glad you're going and I think you're going for the right reasons - to support your mom and aunt.

I think there are three good reasons to go to a funeral - they are:

1) it's a rite of passage and provides a focus for grief - it can be genuinely helpful to some
2) 'the show respect' thing - which is a form of social grooming that is important in many communities - when my grandfather died it really DID mean a lot to me how many people showed up for his funeral. I went to a woman's funeral that I'd never met, but her daughter is a friend of mine and I wanted to show her my support. (Also I lived across the street from where she'd been hospitalised for months so I often provided cups of tea to her daughter, babysitting to her grandkids during the process of her dying - it's not like I was totally absent, just very peripheral to her life)
3) support of family members who either need our emotional support or will feel embarrassment if we're not there.

2 doesn't apply to you since you're family, you don't think you'll get benefit from 1, but number 3 is still important. Go to the funeral, do the best you can. I promise the funeral won't be the focus of your memories of your grandmother.

No, I think Kortie just came over as slightly dogmatic, slave over-reacted, and you over-reacted to that with unbridled abuse. The OP is going to the funeral, job done. We're a support site.

Interesting topic. My step-father has died, my mother has died, my father has died, all my grandparents have died already - and I've never been to one funeral in my life. The only thing I know about funerals is what I've seen on TV. My siblings don't despise me for it, though. They understand that, because of my ridiculously long periods of depression, skipping a funeral is okay.

I can tell you right now that funerals are not the place for autistic people. There is a lot of exchange of empathy that goes on at a funeral, and that can be a big problem for most autistic people. I can understand that you might be under family pressure to go. if you decide to go, try to sit in the back and just ride it out. That way, you make your family happy and you may be able to avoid an embarrassing moment.

I agree. I have participated in enough religious rituals to this point in my life, all of which supposedly served some great purpose that was going to make me feel better, and none of them did. A few of my relatives have passed away recently, and I did not attend their funerals. If I wasn't close to the person who died, then it will be a painfully awkward and symptom-triggering experience where everyone else is experiencing grief that I can't share in. And if I was close to the deceased, then I have the right to grieve for them in my own way. And doing things in public is not my way.

If you can accept that the other person is gone, and abstaining from the funeral is not simply a form of denial, then I have no objection. You should not feel obligated to attend "just because."

EDIT: I see I'm replying late and the OP has already made his decision. He made the choice that was right for him, and I support him in that.