Are friendships painful for you?

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Children terrify me with their lack of tact. (Well, ANYONE who lacks tact terrifies me.) And seniors are just far too different from me with my childish interests and attitudes. So I wouldn't feel comfortable with those groups either. If the person is younger, older, or the same age that I am, we're still fundamentally different.



Interesting...I believe I've experienced that more than once as well. In fact it's why I believe so many of the friendship attempts I get are "pity friendships"--it's almost like the people involved are doing it more for themselves than for me. I get a strong sense they see somebody who seems to be hurting, and they want to "fix" me, pat themselves on the back for a job well done, and move on. I hate admitting I'm not much different (look at me, unable/unwilling to befriend people who are too different from me ), but at least I don't go seeking friendships I know I'll have no interest in maintaining for long. :/

I used to send really, REALLY long e-mails that would put my posts here to shame, until I noticed that the replies I got would more often than not be a mere fraction of the length, the barest, blandest replies, the least amount of interest in the things I wanted to talk about most...eventually it would seem like I was talking to myself. (One person I was actually interested in befriending, and wrote to first, literally told me to "Keep your e-mails shorter, please!" The most hurtful thing is, it had been a short e-mail...and it was none of my usual blithering at all, in fact it was encouragement after some trouble she'd been going through. Needless to say that friendship went nowhere.)

I don't care to bounce my thoughts off a wall; I could far more easily do that on my own, without the pain of social interaction. Instead I learned to hide my words away from others, made myself seem just as bland and boring as everybody found me. People still insist they want to hear what I want to say, but again I think it's just pity talking...



It's not quite as difficult for me to get the words to come when communicating with someone else--the words ARE there--but I'm so used to those words not being received well that it's like a dam goes up that prevents them from getting through...like with the friend I was supposed to get back in touch with weeks ago. I have all sorts of things I could say to her. But none of them seem right, they all seem wrong, and I fear they'll be rejected/ignored. Therefore, I've written nothing yet. It seems easier to avoid and be lonely than to mess things up yet again.



That's actually a little bit of a relief to hear...I'm just so used to my blithering being despised everywhere I go. Sadly, even though I love replies (who likes to feel ignored/overlooked?), I'm also so used to them being negative that they terrify me! ;_; (It can take me days/weeks/months to go back to certain threads or e-mail replies...)



Same. So many things that I love in life would be 100 times better if there were someone to share them with.

I relate to so much that has been said on this thread, especially the anxiety of [i]not knowing[i] if someone really does like me.

With people I really like, I have to fight the urge to *purposefully* do something to ruin the relationship just to get rid of the anxiety! Yet, I can't really ask someone when the relationship is still young, "Do you like me?" I did that as a kid, and it's just not appropriate for grown-ups, even though that is exactly what I want to know!! !

People say to let friendships develop "naturally", but the length of time it would take for me to know *for sure* that this person is a real friend is so long that I might sabotage it before it gets there due to the anxiety of it all.

I think new friendships are, because it's hard to decide what's appropriate and what isn't. It's hard to decide when "i'm busy" really means "f**k andrew, I'm not wasting my time with him this weekend." It's hard to make new inside jokes or pick up on the ones they already had going. It's hard to even know if we're friends or just people who co-exist together. It's even harder when they just don't get autism or ask for it to be explained.

Same here, except the other person involved invariably loses interest in me before I can grow close enough to them to consider them a friend. "Normal" people make friends in, like, two weeks. It takes me months/years. Nobody is willing to wait that long for my trust.

It feels kind of lousy to realize my friendship is worth only about 1-2 weeks' worth of effort (and usually not even that much) before the other person will move on and forget about me. Meanwhile, there are people I wanted to befriend (I was too chicken, or else it failed miserably), and even years later I still wish it could've worked out.

So...maybe I do "sabotage" it in a way, by taking so long to really consider that person my friend.

My friendship with 2 close childhood friends is currently on a "bungee" like stage, sometimes I feel ignored and isolated and at other times they suddendly want to hang out together. I don't quite get it.

I'm not good with tactless people either. Most seniors I know have accomplished a lot more than me. They also have quality social skills.

I've been in that situation a lot. The way I see it, I say lot so they can feel comfortable to do the same. But instead it seems like I'm overloading them. Another thing is I might go into detail because if I don't explain certain things properly then it doesn't make sense to say them at all. The result is I've often been the more talkative one when it comes to online. That can make it hard to tell if the other person is enjoying the conversation.

Admittedly, on the rare occasion it's the other person whose saying a lot, I don't always know what to say myself. But I'm usually genuinely interested and try to be kind. I really do enjoy people telling me things. If it's consistently too hard to reply in an intelligent and interesting way though I might give up. At that point I feel like I'm probably just boring them.

That is pretty harsh to hear when you were saying something encouraging. Even if they didn't seem to appreciate the effort, you should feel good that you tried. I think it helps people regardless of how they respond. Just knowing someone took the time on them.

That's how it is for me online. If I say something and it seems to be taken badly then I feel like whatever I say next will be taken the same way. It's so hard to gauge other people. Like one minute you share an interest and then a minute later they don't want to hear about it.

Yeah I've had negative replies too. I've been called words like strange a lot. Not in a good way. I can barely reply at all to certain forums without feeling like I've just sounded an alarm for them to attack me. I should probably just not post there... or not open up enough to give them a chance. I have a feeling people like you more than you think though. They just don't always know what to say. I rarely know what to say to anyone anymore. They might get in their minds that I don't like them when it's not true at all.

It's really agonizing when you love something and can't share it with others. The internet has helped quite a bit. Maybe the future could make things even better? I don't know how but the idea gives me hope. I always have to have some kind of hope.

I know what it's like to have an urge to ruin or end a relationship just to get rid of the anxiety. Because it seems wrong to pressure them into saying if we're really friends. Not to mention hard to believe when you're putting them on the spot. At least one person I ended up doing that with though. More than once actually. It's a good thing we relate a lot or he'd probably be tired of me.

I used to find friendships painful, but then I found the right friends. Now, I find living away from my friends painful.

A good friendship is not effortful or painful. The person gets you and you get them, without having to work at it.

Established friendships are wonderful! However, I have not had that many last long, except for my marriage.

Making new friends is difficult and the process can be painful. If one can get through this process with the right person(s), the result is worth it.

I still find it hard though.

I agree with this. I had one friend who was like this, but she passed away. I miss her.

I can relate exactly to what you are saying. You seem to be a very deep, intense, sensitive person-the philosophical type. Maybe you are a "feeling" oriented person ( Myers Briggs "NFP" or "SFP" type ). I have often felt the same complexities and intricacies of friendship just as you have defined here. You seem to question friendship a lot rather than taking it at a face value, I am like that too.
Some people would advice you to accept friendships, whatever type comes your way because friends are hard to find these days in such a busy world. But I do not agree, because there is a difference between "social relationship with your peers" and "friendship". Both may seem the same but not so.
It is completely natural to feel the way you are feeling now because the relation that often is meant to make us happy and content may be like a pain in the neck.
Keep searching, one day you might find someone who can connect with you not at a level higher or lower than yours but exactly at your own level/depth.
You seem to be like a genuine person, genuine in the sense that you do really care for your friends. Whereas, most friends just use you to vent their worries/accomplishments. Genuine people are very rare, so I guess it will take you sometime to get a genuine friend. Look beyond your own culture,race,language,country for that friendship.
I have found a genuine friend after three decades of searching-so, don't lose hope.

This is spot on. I am an INFP.

Re: your lovely photo of Diana, I read that she was INFP also. I always felt that she was very similar to me, and when I found that we had the same personality type, it made a lot of sense.

I think it is in our nature to question friendship, as you said. Going by the comments in this thread, I guess some people interpret that as insecurity. I think instead it's the desire for something deeper.

I meant to say also...admittedly I have problems with reading people and being able to tell how they feel about me or how much they like me.

But I think when you have a TRUE friend, it's crystal clear. And you don't have to question it a lot because you know it. Same with romantic relationships, family, etc. When a person really truly cares about you, it's not that much of a mystery, because they do things to show it. They make it very clear to you.

The times when I really question things, are when I'm getting mixed signals from a person. And I've found in those cases, it may not be that the person doesn't care about me, maybe they do, but they have something inside them that stops them from really showing it (like fear or resentment or maybe a whole load of baggage). And whatever that issue is, eventually it will rear up between us and I'll get hurt in the process.

What I have trouble with is reconciling all those mixed messages. Whereas another person would probably just read the situation accurately and distance themselves emotionally. I mean I see people who are "friends" with each other, but they aren't really close, not like what I would consider being friends. And I think they realize the other person probably isn't a true friend, but somehow they are able to hang out with them anyway and not let it bother them.

I've really learned to be wary of a person, if I find myself spending a lot of time questioning how they feel about me, why they act the way they do, what they want from me and so forth. I used to think it that was just something in my own mind, but it's not. Other people have their own issues and hang ups, and they aren't always sincere either. It comes across in how they treat you. It probably just takes most of us more time to process all the signals.

Glad to know that we share the same personality type. Yes,Lady Diana is someone I admire. She has been either revered or misunderstood but I have always found her to be intriguing long before I even knew what Myers Briggs is.
Hope to hear more from you and get to know you from your posts !

I find maintaining friendships to be too difficult. I am unable to meet the expectations of other people, and they are unable to meet my expectations. Decades ago I realized that I preferred my own company. I am a hermit type of person, and have little contact with other people, by choice.

There are certain people that I realize we don't have enough in common... or we're not on the same wave length. But there isn't an opposite extreme. Someone I feel we're so alike or so in sync that we'll definitely be friends forever. When I use the word friends, in that context, I mean people who talk and continue to share their interests and/or feelings. I still think of my old friends as friends. Whether or not they feel the same, I'm not sure. But back to what I was saying... there always seems like a chance something about them or me will change. We'll lose that wave length.

So, for me, there isn't anyone that I stop second guessing. I can know they're a great person. I can know we have this or that shared interest. But I can't feel truly confident that things will for sure be a smooth ride. Because I'm just not a smooth ride kind of person. It's not them, it's me. It's always been me. True, it's not entirely my fault. I didn't choose severe speech difficulties. Nor my pencil-breaking long list of other flaws.

I don't want to put pressure on others to meet my expectations. I know I can't meet their's. That's why I find it such a challenge. I'm always in my head. I wonder if all hermits are like that. Yet I also seek that connection too.

Thanks for your compliment abeautifulmind. I might be genuine but I'm also incredibly complicated. It's a combination that can seem like a contradiction. Like when I love people but I can't just simply relax and enjoy their company like I want to. It's the kind of thing that can make me cry if I think on it too much. Thanks for all the replies. It means a lot to me.

You remind me of my younger self.
I am also a hermit just like you but I also seek connection.
By "commonness" I did not mean common interest like reading/painting but "common level of emotions/feelings. " I can also understand what you mean by "complicated"- It is like having completely two opposite types of thoughts running in your head or like having self-contradictory traits in yourself. It is also like when you are not even sure of your own feelings/depths- as if sometimes you are not even familiar with your own "strange" feelings-you feel like a stranger to yourself. It may also mean that when you have got it all, there is something still left to be desired, something incomplete and unfinished...in friendships/relationships.
All this confusions/contradictions may make you feel like it is not about "them" but about "you". And I agree. But trust me, there are still people in this Universe who will make you feel like you are not an alien/stranger. There are people who can get you and reciprocate.
Also as you grow older in age, you will find more comfort level in dealing not only with other people but also with yourself because our consciousness, more often than not, expand with our age, particularly if you are searching for the meaning of life/relationships.