How to be assertive?

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It looks that you inherited "autisticity" from him. He clearly has some autistic traits. Does your mother also have some autistic traits? My father also does not appear to have social ineptitude, but in home he could be really misbeaving (in my childhood I could be afraid that he would kill my mother during some quarrels). Mother also could be quite aggressive and is still quite vulgar. My father is somewhat "cold" emotionally and does not have so good relations with his wife. His brother is a PhD egineer. But in my family I do not see "classic" autistic traits like serious sensory issues or over-attachment to routines. I would say that my family as a whole is somewhat "Aspergian" and suppose that my sister can have a "bland" form of my sort of autism (she is much "normal" than me, but different than my brother (who is just a "NT for me) and I may be afraid that she may be in future in some way "unsuitable to world").

I lost a front tooth this week so started talking with a lisp and smiling like a homeless person.
My confidence was wrecked and when I was meeting others or talking I could sense the loss of assertive currency.
Assertive currency could be large size, deep voice, or babe ratings. People use to respect the aged or in-firmed, which may explain a type of cantankerous assertiveness when combined with dementia.

Mostly its genetic.
Guys like actor John Goodman say compared to Woody Allen, some people are born assertive.
I imagine psycho drama therapy or even just acting out a scene in front of a big mirror by yourself could shift assertiveness along the way.

Chinese would recommend increasing the flow of Chi to the tantien, the stomach area that gets butterfly's when we are not assertive. Many occult breathing or other exercises could benefit the seeker of confidence.

Bear wrestling may work for some.

Probably just in your head. Most people won't notice a missing tooth if someone acts assertive, but if you're worried others are noticing your tooth, you'll act less assertive towards them.



I disagree with this. In my experience, a person's assertiveness is mostly related to how important people in your life treated you while you were growing up. If they respected your needs while standing up for their own, you'll most likely be healthy assertive. If they let you control everything and bent over backwards catering to you, you'll most likely be overly assertive and selfish. And if they never respected your needs and expect you to respect their needs over yours, it seems there are two reactions - become selfish and aggressive in a desperate attempt to get their needs met, or become very unassertive. (This is what seems to be going on with the OP.)

I inherited most visible genes from his family side: body build (except breast size), height, skin color (slightly yellowish due to an Asian ancestor a few generations back), facial features etc. My nose is definitely my dad mother's nose. So I am pretty sure my aspiness also comes from them.

My mom has some traits too but not much. She is just obsessive, especially with her garden (seems like special interest) but also with fashion and body weight. She is also is pretty shy (while I am not) and she has prosopagnosia which I inherited (she can't remember faces - but she is really good with recognizing people by their clothes and hairstyles so it doesn't bother her much).

But she has no trouble with people, seems to understand them easily and everyone likes her. She is the one who explains social cues to me. She always realizes stuffs like "This guy was staring at you. He likes you. Why did you ignore him? You made him sad...". She also works in a busy environment with lots of people, a lot of phone calls and constantly shifting tasks, sometimes doing a few things at once - and she loves it.

However I am pretty sure I also got a gene her sister did - she seems NT when it comes to social life but she has just as strong sensory issues as I do. I say: "The music is too loud. Turn it down." and aunt says "That's right. Turn it down. How can you listen to the music so loud?". Same with smell and clothes choice - neither of us can wear some materials and we always cut off clothes tags.

Fun part is mom doesn't seem to have this gene. She listens to really loud music, likes strong smells and will wear anything as long as it looks good on her - no matter how uncomfortable it is. Maybe it is a recessive gene and my mom got a dominant one that turns it off.

Hi Waterfalls, thanks for responding. What I am most trying to resolve, I suppose, is one way "communication". Doctors talking at me, not with me; doctors telling me, not asking me; doctors assuming what I am experiencing, not checking with me; and doctors making ageist/sexist assumptions (though the last issue is really another topic altogether). Doctors "humouring" talking down to/disrespecting me (as if because I am female/old I must also be simpleminded). Interesting that our experiences of surgeons are opposite, it might depend which country you are in? Or something else.. At least though that's a bright spot for me...

I was afraid it was that....I don't think it's possible to have our selves and our minds understood and respected but I do think sometimes if we can say no....it's not ideal, though.

I'm glad at least surgeons are treating you well!

Maybe it would help you to rethink what counts as "selfish"? I think that selfishness means caring only about yourself, and not caring at all about anybody else -- at all. Acting in your own self-interest is not automatically selfish....I wish I could explain better what I mean.

Are you only seeing 2 options for how to act and when it comes to the balance between taking care of yourself vs. taking care of others? There is a 3rd option in between the ones that I see in what you wrote: You can stand up for yourself and ask for what you want/need and say what you think in respectful ways, without making threats or insulting/hurting/scaring other people; And in healthy relationships you can negotiate compromises and have give and take (i.e. sometimes you give in to what the other person wants, inconvenience yourself for their sake, sometimes the other person does the same for you -- and as often as possible, you work together to try to find solutions that work for both of you).


Can you create separation (in your mind and/or in practice) between the dynamics in your home with your parents and they dynamics you have in your relationships with everyone else? If you don't have much/any of that sort of separation then maybe a starting point could be just learning as much as you can about healthy relationships and communication and imagining how you think things should be with your mom and dad as a contrast to how they are....so that the actual dynamics with your parents aren't the only model of interaction you have in your mind when you're interacting with other people.


I'm glad you're able to fight back/ignore some of the abusive stuff at least sometimes.




Super overreaction. It's okay to ask you to do chores and help out with stuff like gardening (even if it would really suck for you), and it's okay for your mom and dad to be upset about you refusing to water the garden, but it's not okay for them to call you names and put you down like that when you say "no".

.......

I'm sorry you've got to deal with so much abusive behavior ... I hope that it gets better and/or you can move out.

Mom didn't call me names nor got angry (she only got impatient because she realized she lost the feeling of time and her TV show is about to start, I could understand it). We were negotiating between each other, unaware that dad is carefully listening. His opinion was unnecessary and unwanted. If he let us finish I would probably water the flowers in a while.

I reacted defensive because I was sure she would water the flowers after her TV show finishes so she was just pushing her own task on me without any reason. Garden is her place, her hobby. I don't tell her to play my game for me when I have no time to finish it.
Hours later mom told me she planted some flowers back then so she couldn't leave them not watered by the time show finishes (she ended up watering them herself because dad killed all negotiation possibilities. Not like she could watch the show which him yelling anyway) and that was her reason for me to do it. I would water the flowers after a while if I knew it is the case. But dad made the discussion unable to reach this point.

I actually like living with my mom and I can negotiate with her as long as dad is not involved (she ignores my needs when they clash with dad's needs or opinions but we negotiate needs that don't involve dad).
That's true she takes me to shops and drives me to school (sometimes against her will - sometimes I answer: "You will.", "You will.", "You will." with a smile for her each argument against doing what I want her to do till she agrees or says "I am seriously not going to do it. End of discussion.").
But I also do what she asks me for. I almost never refuse to do something that she tells me to do in advance enough to allow me to prepare for it. I only tend to refuse sudden orders that have to get done instantly - they make me anxious and confused. "No" is often my initial reaction to those because I consider the tasks hard, scary and unreasonable. But I can change my mind more often than not if I get enough time to prepare for the task and understand the reasons why I should do it.

Thanks to mom my life is not that hard.
I doubt I could live by myself because I am scared of public transportation, walking through the loud city gives me a sensory overload and I fail to do stuffs such as getting doctor appointments. I also cannot move out before I get a job and even then I wouldn't be able to get a room because I don't know how to find one. Not to mention that even just thinking of such huge change overwhelms me.
So I cannot move out. Well, I could go to my grandma house eventually but I don't have my own room there nor a good enough computer, the area is pretty loud(highway close by) and there is 5 people living in the house so there is never silence.

Oh, okay. I understand better now. I misread what you wrote and thought she had called you a lazy brat and that your dad said the rest.


It's too bad that you can't just live with your mom. I'm glad that she's there for you.


Then I just hope the stuff with your dad gets better -- that your dad changes his behavior for the better, and/or that something changes that allows your mom to successfully stand up to him more.