The guilt being a part self diagnoser

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Hi Jeni,

Is that the Summit School in Queens?

I went there between 1968 and 1972. At the time, there was strong emphasis on academics and on behavioral modification.

I don't know how the school is now, though.

As a 30 year old with mental health issues, I see so many aspects of so many disorders that I can have, each single aspect that explains well only 1 facet of something that I have. Even though all those other things seem to fit very well, autism is the only diagnosis that, if I have it, explains -everything- I have, but explains it poorly. The most I research and learn and become self-aware, the more I think that the outward diagnoses of things are slapped ontop something that's not even close to being discrete like we'd like to think it is.

Then there's also the fact that you're a woman and women don't seem to get diagnosed much with autism unless it's super obvious.

I can't help but feel that your guilt was initiated by your grandmother or someone else who has told you 'you're not autistic' and then you feel like you must prove that you are and now you've found there's a chance you might not be. Well you don't have to prove it to her, and really, she has no f*****g clue what you do or don't have. Her opinion and even the opinions of professionals are ultimately not going to be as worthwhile as what you figure out about yourself.

What you seem to have figured out is that you meet multiple criteria for diagnoses. Let the outside world determine what it is specifically, and only look at yourself as maybe being this thing or the other thing as an interest or hobby. The moment you start to place your self-worth into your diagnosis, you're absolutely going to run into issues that will emotionally affect you. People will say that you aren't it, some will say you are, some will say 'oh that means you're like x' when you aren't like x at all and they won't understand. Again, the world just tries to fit discrete labels on things that aren't really conducive to labels.

You know for yourself what your capabilities are and what makes you happy. You're figuring out what programs and stuff exist within the world that can help you. Finding a balance between those things is important. No one looks at wild animals and says 'this animal is better than that one' because people just understand their actions and behaviors to be who they are.

If you trust the psychiatrist likes you and wants the best for you, you need to show him (her?) the ADOS test. When you show him the test, you can talk about how it makes you feel and why its important. You can talk about your fears.

You need someone who at least tries to understand everything that is happening with you, your brain, and all the doctors that are trying to help your brain.

If you don't trust your psychiatrist, you need to find someone you do trust. That's really important. You don't have to trust all of your doctors, but you do need to trust one. Its a good idea to trust the person who you see the most. Or to see the most of the doctor you trust. Get it? Have someone you can lean on for good information. That's really important.

BTW, we live kinda close to one another! I really like Nyack. There's a great hiking trail there.

Seems like a nice place.

One difference: it seems as if you're going to be living there--am I right?

I do know that the Summit School emphasizes academics. I'm also pretty sure, based on the website, that they emphasize discipline as well.

I would show the interviewers the Smart Jeni.

In my opinion, this school will help you get a Regent's Diploma.

It would crush me to be told by a psychiatrist that I'm not autistic. It's really not so much that I may or may not be, it's just that I found a place where I fit in (WP) and is accepted for my quirks and differences. My entire life was spent basically avoiding people because I couldn't relate to them and was bullied anyway. I did fake "normalness" when I drank like a fish and used drugs. It "turned down" my symptoms. I dumbed myself down so people could relate to me. I stopped my constant pursuit of knowledge to try to get into the world of others. I forced myself to make eye contact and learned to stop, or slow down, my stimming because it annoyed people.

But now I'm back. I don' drink or drug anymore so the world will just have to take me as I am. That doesn't bother me because, after all these years, I found a place where I can slip in unnoticed, Wrong Planet. And I'm glad.