The Autistic sense of self

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I am unclear about what people mean when they talk about sense of self or identity.
I feel like I am just me, is that a sense of self?
It is probably not an identity, perhaps I don't have that.
It seems like a lot of people want an identity as part of a group.
Certainly I am part of certain groups and not part of other groups, but I feel the group identification is secondary to me being just me.

I think it's important to acknowledge that an individual with autism is not developing their identity in isolation, society will always play a role in shaping individuals, both autistic and allistic. I think sense of identity will vary according to the way aspergers or high functioning autism interacts with different types of socialisation, gender, race, etc. I'm a young woman with asperger's syndrome and I was raise by a Turkish family. Turkish people tend to be more tactile and tend to have closer family relationships than anglo-white people. My family have played a huge role in my development and I think that I have been influenced by them a lot. They have formed quite an integral part of my identity and so my sense of identity stems from my closeness with them and status as an ethnic minority in the UK. What stands out is my difficulty expressing warmth with most people (except one or two close friends) despite being raised in such an environment. I also was aware of not entirely feeling like a "girl" from a young age and my almost entirely uninhibited honesty meant I would sometimes express that or even ask other girls "do you feel like a girl?". I was always genuinely surprised when they said "yes".

Aspergers and High functioning Autism (and possibly other types of Autism) are as you know, considered "invisible" disabilities. So in that case, society will respond to someone exhibiting deviant or unusual behaviours in different ways depending on gender etc. and that's how it's interpreted, as "socially deviant". I had a very strong sense of self as a child,(and as I said, my family's influence was part of that) almost stubbornly so but I feel that was crushed more and more as I grew up because girls are supposed to be meeker and quieter than boys. I had very strong interests that I obsessed over and they became my world. I was very creative and wrote and drew a lot. As I hit puberty my mind became foggy and I was picked on at school. I was also sexually harassed by boys. The world became a whirlwind of overwhelming gendered social pressures. I became afraid to walk on the street because men would stare at me. I even felt too embarrassed and awkward being in a room alone with my piano teacher because I kept on getting intrusive thoughts about him jumping on me (which I didn't want to happen). The new anxieties about not fitting in at school and having to deal with daily patriarchal violence made me obsess over myself and how to form a "social identity". Despite that I was always told that I seemed to "not care what others thought of me" and some of my peers respected me of that. I found I was less focused and couldn't concentrate on reading as much as I used to. I would still escape with my interests but later this became harder. As i became more overwhelmed I became really confused at age 15 as I found that I had centred "social acceptance" among my priorities rather than my love of the things that have always inspired me and inspired self love. Now I have quite severe social anxiety and battle that on a daily basis but I understand all of this and have come out stronger. My childhood has become really important to me and my family's influence still is. I've become more accepting of the weirdo that I am...but basically what I'm saying, is my identity was something I had to reclaim through reflection and self-acceptance...and rejection of certain societal pressures...

So I do not really relate to that quote, and in fact, I've read accounts from other women with aspergers in which they say that they "no longer know who [they] really are" because of all the social mimicry and anxiety.

Not sure if that answers your question. I suppose we are all different!


*also I'm aware the extent to which you can bond with your family depends on how much you reciprocate at a young age. I was still somewhat distant, I didn't respond unless someone called my name. I didn't smile very much, apparently my facial expressions were rather blank and I didn't communicate to express what I wanted except through crying etc. I'm aware that it varies from person to person in gradations though.

btbnnyr - Your mention of group identity sparked a thought.

So, you have mentioned in prior postings that you are a baseball fan. I am as well (but, undoubtedly for the better team ).

Anyway, I wonder if being a baseball fan is different for NTs. That is, whether as baseball fans, NTs not only identify with the team they follow, but also with the group of people who follow the team. Where being part of a group of people who follow the team, is more important than following the team itself. Where as, being a fan, it different for you and I. I have no idea if I am making sense or not.

I think in practical terms, for NTs identity = tribal marker. For NTs, it seems as if a belief’s capacity to facilitate tribal belonging is its most important function. For me at least, a belief’s accuracy is more important.

People like the same things as other people through something that actually makes them like those things. It is not a result of 'wanting to be like others'. It is a result of 'I am around others, these others like this, I can see how this is enjoyable, now that I have experienced it I enjoy it'. Belonging facilitates liking the same things as your group.

Anyway, I wonder if being a baseball fan is different for NTs. That is, whether as baseball fans, NTs not only identify with the team they follow, but also with the group of people who follow the team. Where being part of a group of people who follow the team, is more important than following the team itself. Where as, being a fan, it different for you and I. I have no idea if I am making sense or not.

I understand exactly what you are saying. I think it might be different for us. I hear people on ESPN refer to a fan base like the "Red Sox Nation" (another newspeak phrase that annoys me-see different thread). I have never thought of myself in terms of the fan base for the teams I follow, just for the team.

I understand exactly what you are saying. I think it might be different for us. I hear people on ESPN refer to a fan base like the "Red Sox Nation" (another newspeak phrase that annoys me-see different thread). I have never thought of myself in terms of the fan base for the teams I follow, just for the team.

When I'm around a group of fans of anything I feel like I'm surrounded by zombies and I want to get away.
There are very few exceptions to this.

It seems like all of the individual brains are just shut off for the most part, a bit like being among a school of fish or a herd of cattle/sheep.
I usually find the experience disturbing.