Adamantium wrote:
If a person is picking such moments as times to address important issues, that may in itself be a strategy for not dealing with those issues--this might be a desirable outcome if one expects that the result of actually dealing with the issue will be an outcome that one doesn't like or a compromise that means giving up a highly desired outcome, or just seeing things as they are when they are not as one would wish them to be.
It's a strategy of using dysfunction as a form of psychological protection and my understanding is that it's widely practiced. When this strategy is being used in a relationship where the other partner has meltdowns, it's both very effective and very destructive. Sad for everyone involved.
Bingo!
When I come to her after things calm down with my pen and notebook, she has nothing to talk about. She gets mad that I didn't hear her when she was screaming at me and says that she shouldn't have to repeat herself because I never listen anyway. Or, it will be some B.S. like, "I am mad because you don't know what I am angry about!" and refuse to talk. (direct quote)
My notebook is the most effective defense tool that I have right now because not only do I write down everything she says but I read it back and ask her if she agrees with what I wrote. She usually sticks to the most vague terms possible. "I am upset because you don't understand me." Or "You always say stuff that upsets me." Coy, like a politician on the stand. Pressing for clarification is when things get out of control again. She doesn't understand why I need examples to get a general concept. Next thing ya know, we are fighting over wether or not examples are important until we are both too exhausted to touch the real issues. We get nowhere slowly and avoid issues until one of us snaps again. Repeat it all over again and again and again...
My marriage is like a car stuck in the mud. We are both pushing at opposite ends, blaming the other for not trying or doing it wrong. We are both trying and we are both doing it wrong. I think we need a tow truck but I have no money.
23 Aug 2015, 11:23 am
