Diagnosed as adult: how to tell family?

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How trivialising, condescending, patronising and dismissive that comment from your parents is; it is a kind of fake acceptance of your situation, wrapped up in seemingly innocuous words beneath which is a passive aggressive theme. Ugh. Are they like that generally, as people, intolerant of any opinion other than their own, or perpetual chronic invalidators, or is this an isolated example from them, because they have a defensiveness toward anything to do with "autism" as they (mis)understand it? Couldn't possibly be in their ("normal") family???

"Well if it makes you feel better..." I very much dislike these snide passive aggressive attempts at "humouring" people. Not a genuinely adult form of open and honest communication at all. (And NTs are said to hold the corner on being good communicators? By whose standards? Their own.. )

This book is very useful as I find myself having to discuss my autism with different people in different areas of my life: Coming Out Asperger - Diagnosis, Disclosure and Self-Confidence edited by Dinah Murray

GodzillaWoman, my advise for the conversation that you want to have with your family:

1) Schedule some time (possibly on the last day of your stay with your family so that if the conversation goes poorly you won't be stuck there for too long). Ask if everyone would mind taking half an hour to sit down with you to discuss some important news; this will give you a good chance of having un-distracted people ready to listen. If scheduling a conversation seems uncomfortable try scheduling it as a meal that you will volunteer ahead of time to cook/get take-out for.

2) Make a short, point-form list that outlines how you will guide the conversation when you speak with your family (because stress causes confusion having the list in front of you can be very helpful). The list could look like this:

- I have (diagnosis)

- Short description of (diagnosis)

- I want to tell you that I have (diagnosis) because learning about it has really helped me to understand myself better; I value you and want you to understand me better too. I want to be open with you so that we can have the best relationship possible.

- List a few ways in which the diagnosis has helped you already and the ways that you hope it will help you moving forward.

- Bring copies of a book about (diagnosis) that you have read and found useful for each family member. B19 suggested Tony Attwood's "The Complete Guide to Aspergers" which I think is a really good choice. Ask them to read the book and tell them that you hope that as they read they will call or e-mail to discuss it with you. If your family are not enthusiastic readers, you could bring a documentary instead.

Very best wishes - I hope it goes really well. When I told my family it went ok: no one was angry or negative, but I wished that I had had some resources ready to point them to immediately and that I had structured the initial conversation in a way that would be short and invite ongoing follow up (1 to 1) because that would have been less stressful for me than trying to formulate answers to questions quickly in a group.

I think that, yes, it is partly misunderstanding autism. And it is partly not wanting to admit that our not-so-normal-to-begin-with family is even less "normal".
I choose to believe it's not a snide remarks but rather a phase they are going through trying to reconcile their reality with mine.
I'll try to educate them and remember we love each other, which we do even when we think the other is slightly delusional.

-edited to fix typo

I am pleased to hear that context. Loving each other is wonderful

Thanks Mild Mannered Misanthrope and B19 for the book suggestions. My mom is a professor so I think she is going to respect literature the most (including the nice, new, official diagnosis document). I am half expecting something similar to the condescending comment Nuthatchnut got, only mine will be along the lines of "this is another phase you're going through, isn't it?" My brother will probably be annoyed that I'm stealing attention away from his latest family drama/money woes/attempt to hit Mom up for another "loan."

I'm honestly not getting my hopes up too much here for any kind of Hallmark movie moment. Sometimes they are pretty supportive when big issues come up, sometimes not so much. If I get yelled at or called names, I think I'm going to take a break from the family for a while, and try to detach a bit from the drama.

Good plan, Godzillawoman

Do tell us how it went, when the time comes.