Did I do wrong?

Post Reply New Topic

I don't think a small box of chocolates (as long as they are not too fancy) is a bad thing to give, though it could be misinterpreted.

In a situation like this where someone is going out of their way to do a favor, I always offer money. I say something like, "I know you are going out of your way and I would like to give you some money towards the extra gas (or time) you are using." I might be refused. In this case, the person *wants* to be seen as a person doing it out of their own good will and not be seen as someone who is keeping track of tit-for-tat. Those people also generally do not like token gifts because they would feel like you were seeing them as less than generous.

When money is not offered, and you just want to give a token gift, then say so when you give it. If I gave the box of chocolate, I would say, "Here. This is a token gift of appreciation for the rides. I didn't know what else to get." My words might be awkward, but the message is clear.

I do think a gift card to a coffee shop is probably one of the most neutral token gifts that can be given. I have given these to several people who have done favors for me. Still, I would tuck it into a thank-you card, or say it is a token gift of thanks to show my appreciation when I give it.

There are some people who I would like to give token gifts to for big favors they have done, but it would NOT go over well. Their favor is a gift to me, and if I give something in return just to show my appreciation, it takes away from the value of the GIFT. In that case, I just say something like, "I cannot thank you enough."

Thank you to everyone who replied on this thread. The advice given is much appreciated. If a situation like this comes up again then I'll try something different.

Gift giving in general is an area of much consternation for Aspies. There are so many nuances and social implications of even the merest trifle, as in this case, a small gift of chocolates. My two Aspie children have shown a great deal of hesitation and confusion in this area, and I often have trouble with it, myself.

- will the gift be so minor as to seem insulting?
- is it open to connotations of courtship or bribery?
- will the gift be so inordinately large or expensive as to further obligate the recipient?
- will failure to give something be a social blunder?

and so on.