All I want for Christmas is to not be autistic.

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I agree with the other comments that 1) at age 20, a lot of girls are very immature and have unrealistic expectations; and 2) social media is a really lousy place to hang out for good, worthwhile relationships.

Here's my thought that nobody else mentioned yet: Rather than trying to totally stop being interested in girls (impossible, esp at your age), I would advise you to stop looking so hard for a girlfriend and try looking for a friend. Ppl with autism don't make friends the same way NTs do. I personally have a terrible time making friends in social settings but i do much better making friends in jobs or hobbies. I have a rather awkward way about me, no matter how many social skills i learn. (and i am pretty high functioning and have been told i compensate well for my deficiencies ) But i am still awkward in a bar, party, family get-together, or other social setting that is social for the sake of hanging out and being social. Then i get panic attacks and get waaaayyyyy more awkward.

I would advise you to pour energy into a job or hobby and do your best to make friends with ppl there. We aspies/ASD individuals earn respect for our abilities rather than our smooth social skills. Even if you don't feel you are super smart, there has to be something you enjoy, surely? Even if you are mediocre in skills, if you truly enjoy it you will have the joy of doing something you love. My advice is take your main focus off getting a girlfriend and put it on enjoying what you do have in life. That is when like-minded ppl gravitate towards each other...and this is a much better setting for a relationship than social media. Just my 2 cents.

It's a little worrisome to see the hate mixed in with a strong desire to have women to have sex with.

A girlfriend is a friend who you love like you would love your sibling, except for the fact that it wouldn't be gross and wrong to have sex with her if she falls in love with you and wants to share that intimate part of her soul with you.

A girlfriend is not someone to have sex with regularly - that actually has NOTHING to do with girlfriend/boyfriend relationships, or shouldn't. I realize most people do not wait for marriage to have sex, but it might benefit you to think of relationships in that way in order to help you separate what a girlfriend really is from the whole sex thing.

Lust and love are completely different feelings, but lots of people (especially men) do get this confused. They lust after a woman and think they love her because every time they see her or think of her they get a strong feeling inside, misinterpreting that feeling as being "love". And then if she actually lets them have sex with her they get even more messed up in the head, thinking that this means she loves them back.

But the thing is, sex is not a relationship, it's a biological function like eating or going to the bathroom. And nobody is entitled to it. It must always be earned. Hate will get in the way of this. I hope you can find a way to deal with your hate and resentment so that you can have a chance at forming an actual friendly and affectionate relationship with a female at some point, so that someday maybe you can together work towards a permanent relationship which would then possibly lead to sex if she has any interest in sexuality to begin with (not everyone does).

The neurotypicals who can "get a girlfriend easily" as you describe are actually not the norm. There is a whole barrage of men who are deemed undesirable, and some of them happen to be autistic. The autism certainly doesn't help, but if you think that we're in a special position because of our autism, you have to think again because neurotypical men don't really have it easier in dating.

People are dealt different cards in the genetic lottery. Some get autism, some get an unattractive face, some get a weird looking body. Some get all of that.

But in the end, we all have at least some control of our life. You can choose to be happy without a woman in your life. I chose that, and by consistently choosing to be happy every day and to remind myself about all the things in my life that are good, my hobbies, my pets, my family etc - I became a happy person eventually.

When I go to shop groceries for instance, I get some weird looks because of my body language and my autistic traits like the shell-shock face/thousand yard stare that many autistic people have. That is, we must consciously think about facial mimic and expression. When I am concentrated on a task, I forget to "express myself with body language" and I look strange and absent. People pick up on that and I get some strange looks at times.

My life would be miserable if I were to worry about that for instance. I just need to go buy the food that I need to survive, and I don't want that to be a stressful moment in my life, so I choose to not let it affect me.


The more time you spend complaining about not having a girlfriend, the more it's going to get to you and thus the more power you allow women to have over your life. Think about that for a moment. Do you really want to allow an entire gender to have so much power over your life as to make you feel like a failure just because you don't have a girlfriend?

I've been celibate for years. I've been in two relationships and after the last one ended, I decided what I get out of it is not worth the amount of energy I put in. Because as an autistic male I have to make an extra effort to appear normal and hide my quirks. Neurotypical men already have enough of a hard time to make themselves someone desirable to women. Besides, sex is not at all what it's advertised as. And it's advertised like crazy everywhere! It's a big hoax IMO and having sex at all does not automatically equal good sex. Relationships where there are an actual emotional connection and not just a power struggle are very rare in our time. I think very few people actually have good sex and have a relationship where they experience something that can in some way be likened to the concept of "true love" which we hear so much. Don't let the media advertising something unattainable make you unhappy just because you can't get it, because even if you can get in a relationship, that does not automatically make a relationship that is good and where there is mutual respect and love.

My advice to you, as someone who has stopped worrying about romantical relationships is this: nurture your obsessions and hobbies. Having an interest and working on that every day, seeing it progress from day to day is a very rewarding way to spend your life. Maybe you're into miniature railway? Seeing it grow as you develop it is one way to create a sense of progress and growth in your life. Collecting stamps for instance, video games, books... I picked very stereotypical interests but I wanted to illustrate my point of how getting into something that you develop over time can create a sense of purpose in your life.

When you have this in your life, it creates meaning that can fill the void in your life that you obviously feel. I've felt that void as well, but the relationships I was in proved that entering a relationship thinking it is the key to happiness is catastrophic. You need to become a happy person first, then if you get into a relationship, it will develop into something positive.

I hope that makes sense.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It's so interesting to me that you feel you don't know how to act with women, how to be fun, how to make them laugh, etc...You know, for MANY years I looked and looked for a guy that could talk about important issues with me, who had a brain, who could talk to me about things that interested them and I could do the same. I met a few of them, I really liked a few of them...heck, there were two at work that I really, really, really liked...but the two at work ended up being gay and I had no clue. Actually, most people had no clue either. One even said to me he'd date me if he wasn't gay, because we got along so well and had the best conversations. I waited and waited and waited, but they all ended up with girls who were typical, brainless, just had great bodies and wore short mini skirts. No, I was not ugly, overweight or too weird, in fact I had quite a few guys that liked me, I just couldn't tell they liked me, I thought they were my friends. I ended up at 30 with a guy who was typical and although we have made it work, I know in my heart that I will never have the type of relationship I truly wanted...there's no real deep conversation about anything...he doesn't have a single special interest except living day to day, which bores me to death many times. He's been better about listening to me and sometimes having a conversation with me about things that I am passionate about, but it is always initiated by me.

I PROMISE you there are women out there that like you for you, that will be THRILLED to have a man who can talk about different things that are not just the BS that superficial men talk about. There are women who love a man with his own interests, etc. But you have to look beyond the girls that are popular, that are superficial, because that's not where you will find these girls. Go to Comic Cons, go to Museum nights for adults, go to place where board games are played (many comics stores, etc), find what you like and join a group...I promise you that there will be a girl in one of those places who will like you for who you are.

PS I have since learned that a couple of guys I really liked actually DID like me, they just never told me specifically and I didn't get the hints because well, darn it, I was autistic

PS also, don't get too worried about your body, face, etc...I NEVER liked the guys who had what others call a great body, I still don't...I don't like that super macho looking guy, it has never been my thing...

I'm missing one of my front teeth now. I want one for Christmas!

I'm 5 foot 4, and short, and act pretty Aspie. All you have to do is to treat women like friends. Don't think about your desirability. If you are able to make friends with women, you stand a better chance at romance.

I'm a lesbian and in a relationship and I participate in a sport which is mostly played by women and I can tell you that not all women want the airless good looking men you describe.

Many of them are intelligent women who like good conversation, our sport and collectively a huge range of activities (though most also like board games - we've got an awesome local cafe that often features in meet ups).

I'm not going to pretend I fit in brilliantly, I'm awkward and sometimes feel on the outskirts (though they do make a concerted effort to include me).

There's many personalities and many different tastes in partners. If there was one thing that would make them avoid a potential partner with a barge pole (and which the other women are actively against), it's sexism.

Tindr is often laughed about because of how unlikely it is to find a long term relationship. Some people use it, and some people have success with it. The vast majority of their hits are not potential partners - indeed many of the 'cool' people responses they get are regarded as vulgar.

Some of the women do want casual sex. They don't want someone who feels that they are entitled to it.

The dating scene, especially online dating, is known to be difficult to navigate in general - even by neurotypicals.

I also think there's a bit of confirmation bias and shouting the loudest clouding your vision. Most 20 year olds aren't in relationships that will last a long time, many struggle to find a parter/are single for a long time (years, sometimes) but you just aren't hearing about them so much. I'd say about half of my friends in the 20-30 range are single.

My wife is very accepting of my autism and my oddities. We made friends online (not online dating) and even though it was only recently diagnosed she said she knew I was autistic from the first time she met me.

I think there are things that are more difficult for me as an autistic person in a relationship, but neurotypicals struggle with them too. Relationships are hard.

Most women prefer a male with confidence. Many women especially can read via body language your lack of confidence. This situation creates and endless loop of self destruction and is very difficult to break out of. Since we are autistics let's look at this logically. Your approach has been to find a girlfriend to gain self worth. This approach has not worked. So try and do the opposite gain self worth then worry about other people. Persue you special interests, become good at it is one way to gain confidence.

Best wishes to you, keep us informed.

darkphantomx1,

I relate, I am terribly depressed and would sell my soul to the devil to not be autistic...

Losing faith in my religion, people around me; losing faith that I'll ever stop doing drugs. Losing faith that meds or therapy will help. Its all just pointless crap, I am getting worse everyday, I can't function or take care of myself as of late.

Hell no I woudnt tell anyone anything about my problems. If my parents knew about this (im sure they secretly come here) I WOULD HATE IT! Trust me, I don't want them knowing. I don't even want them to mention it! The last thing I need is nosey parents, especially my dad.

Stupid dad doesn't know how to use his own god damn laptop.


When I found out my mom was using icloud to stalk my open tabs on my iphone, I was f*****g pissed! Good thing I turned it off in March.


Parents dont know how to mind their own damn business. I would never tell them ANYTHING about my problems! I don't tell anyone. They woudn't understand anyways what it's like. They weren't losers like me.

This.

This.

This.

And I would like to add: What you do must come from the heart, it must feel like it's right for you to act a certain way. IMO trying to "look" confident, NT, happy, etc. is a giant waste of time and will always lead to depression in the long run.
Instead "be" confident, not an NT but a good person (with you being the judge), and actually happy, relaxed, etc.
IMO we Aspies look WAY WAY WAY too much at other people's reactions and opinions... we can get away with so much BS if we just talk nice at the right times.
Look more at yourself than anyone else and you will become happier.

Guys, just stop giving women power over you.

Ironically, that is what will keep you single, because women pick up on that instantly. The fact that she can make or break you will result in repelling the worthwhile women who might be good relationship candidates, and attracting the psychopaths, who will get off on power play and making you feel miserable.

No women respect a man who depends on her for happiness. You have to make yourself into someone who women want to be with, that way, you will earn a woman who is worth being with in the first place.

When you become that, you are in a position where you can be picky. You have the choice to get with decent women, so you don't end up being taken advantage of by the psychopaths. People with narcissistic personality disorder and/or Cluster B are drawn like moths to a flame to neediness and brokenness, because they are emotional vampires who get off on how much their validation can affect someones life. That they can make or break that person, and that the power is at their fingertips. If you need women for happiness, chances are you'll attract just this kind of person.

The best way to repel these is to not give off those vibes that attract them. That is neediness and depending on women for happiness.
If you decide to be happy, every day, you will eventually become happy and then eventually a worthwhile woman will come along and you'll have the power to choose. You can be picky because you also have something that women want. It's a marketplace and it's cynical. That's being realistic. Women will compare you to other men. As autistic men, we are at an extra disadvantage. Turn that into your advantage instead by developing your interests for instance. Many autistic men excel in their field of interest and turn it into their work. Their lifes work. They can be picky, because despite their autism, they have something that most neurotypical men don't, and that's because their autism gave them the leverage to make something out of their lives.

I agree with the poster above who said there will deffo be a few girls who like you for who you are.

Your parents might be worried about you but find it difficult to approach you. They're not going to understand unless you try to explain. If they didn't care at all, they wouldn't be nosey.

Why are you telling the forum about this? Are you venting? Do you want advice or ideas? Do you want help?

I agree with Neotenous Nordic. It doesn't sound like you're in the right frame of mind for a relationship. You're still young and things can change if you let them. Forget about sex for now and just try to be friends with people.