Were you able to blend in as a child?

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Rudin, would you be insulted if I said you're a pretty good writer for a 12 year old? I can't help but notice your grammatical accuracies, rare in this day and age.

Anyway, to answer your query, I was as odd as can be. I was such a misfit that I may as well had been from Mars. I didn't join the others in sports. When the kids got toy police cars to play with they pretended to be cops. I preferred to take the car apart to see what made it work. They called me Spock because I was stoic and seemingly without emotion. They later called me Brainy Smurf. I was bullied and picked on and I couldn't relate to anyone my age. Yeah, you can say I didn't blend it.

I had friends and I used to play out a lot.

But I just would wonder off and find hiding places for myself.

Nobody brought it to my attention that i was different in any way.

I think I did when I was in preschool that was for kids with developmental delays and I also blended in in my self contained classroom until I was placed in mainstream. Those were the only times I felt blend in because I was with other kids who were different so we all blended in with each other.

My public school threw me out after 2nd grade because they could not get through to me. After 2 years of priviate and play therapy (No diagnosis is remembered as this occured 50 years ago) the public school they accepted me back, but the other children did not as I got bullied.

Rudin, I have three kids and my youngest is 12. She's extremely bright and artculate, but I think you may exceed her in writing skills. As a proud mother, that can be nothing but honest because obviously I'd be bragging about my own kiddo whenever appropriate. You certainly should feel complimented, and accomplished. I'm impressed.

Anyway, I chose "sort of". I was the youngest of six kids, and the only girl, so I was probably given some leeway in my behavior because I was the last one/ the baby/ girls are just different from boys/ whatever other excuses would fit when I was very young. I spoke and read young and had a great vocabulary, so that allowed me to at least have a chance at passing/fitting in I guess... but I toe-walked, and zoned out a lot (I can't honestly say "daydreaming" because it's not that, I just think VERY actively and lose myself in it), and was very very shy and quiet - but those things are more common in girls so that kind of got ignored for awhile too.

Then when I was four my dad died and back then it was super unusual for a family not to have a mom and a dad - there was like one divorced family in my class, and nobody else's parent had died. So a lot of my quiet/shy/depressed/introverted behavior was likely excused for awhile longer after that because I was the poor little sad girl whose dad had died, and I was quiet and didn't misbehave, so I wasn't a discipline problem so I got left alone and continued passing for awhile at that point as well.

When I was about 8 I finally got old enough that some of my oddities began to stand out. I hated going to birthday parties because the games stressed me out terribly. I hated musical chairs - which is mean and unfair (I blogged about it here in fact because it affected me deeply enough that I still hate it at 42 years old - http://livinginparentheses.blogspot.com ... s-kid.html ) and also HATED the soudn of popping balloons and parties often carried that risk. Other reasons too.. but I began to cry a lot at home because of being lonely and not being able to make friends. I also was picked on at school by other kids, and taken advantage of, but I was usually not aware of that until an adult scolded the other kids or made them apologize to me, or until later (sometimes years later) in retrospect. I'm not sure if anyone realized I was different yet at that point or not.

But when I was about 10 I started to fall apart with math class, while still in advanced classes for almost everything else. It was so bad and I was so frustrated and tried so hard but got so lost that eventually I was taken for some sort of evaluation at a local university (which I found out 30 years later is actually the number one place to get your child diagnosed with, and helped with, autism in my area)... they also IQ tested me and a friend around that time (she was my only friend - she was "like me" - I swear we practically read one another's mind. She moved though).

I recall my mother talking to me in the car after those appointments. She asked me, "if someone said that you had something wrong with you, how would you feel" or something like that, and I remember clearly telling her that I wouldn't believe it or care because I know that I'm just fine.

She didn't follow up with any statements at all, and she never told me the results of my evaluation.

I wasn't diagnosed - that I was ever told - until I was 42 and my parents were both dead. I have no idea what happened back then. I do recall the toe walking being a HUGE deal to people and everyone working with me to get me to stop doing it.

(I still do it, sometimes more than others, but rarely notice either way.)

Middle school was hard. By high school I had developed severe depression and anxiety, and the next 20 years were an anti-depressant-medicated haze of suicidal thoughts and living minute by minute to get through.

College was AWESOME. I didn't go until I was in my late 20s, and only community college, but I got two degrees. It was far more my forte than high school or middle school. I could study what I was into (computers! philosophy! psychology! writing! yay!) and the teachers were more willing to work with me even though I had no clue that my issues were symptoms or diagnosable when put together (I often needed to ask if I could take tests in quieter locations, or if theyd turn down the bass on the music in my music history/theory classes, or would have to just leave during some REALLY UNNECESSARILY LOUD movies being shown, etc. But I was always able to talk to the teachers and make it all okay. <3 )

anyway I rambled enough sorry.

Not really.

Others usually ignored me when they were not beating me up.

It wasn't until I grew up and got out on my own that I learned the importance of blending in. It took me longer to learn how to do it.

I would say no I didn't blend in not until I went to the special school, when I was in primary school I was always bullied and picked on and as soon a the teacher went out of the room they started on me.
During lunch time I would escape to the school library as no one bothered me there.

When I went to the special school it was different I blended in there as I had more friends one or two that I still keep in contact with since.

I don't think it would have been humanly possible for me to stick out more than I did.

A overly long-winded synopsis:

pre-K-2: insanely confused specifically at how the kids already knew how to play games in their "weird boring way". People's rationale for things confused me. Extremely frustrated during school. Bullied every day, I started intentionally self-harming. Suicidal etc. I'm called stupid and ret*d and dumb. (despite literally off the charts scoring... but whatever).
Would have panic attacks, freak out... head-banging, would hold my breathe til I passed out, throw myself against walls, fake sick to not go to school. I was even bullied by the teacher!! in front of the whole class. I came home everyday asking my parents "why" They said "just because" and did nothing to help me. They thought it would go away in time... Hint: it only got worse and was living hell in the meantime... with no explanation as to why

3rd- This is when I start stress-stimming and develop twitches/ticks from stress of social situations.
Parents insisted that I was 100% normal while simultaneously saying "They would like you better if you just stopped trying to be so weird! Just cut it out!" No idea what they were trying to say at that time...

6th- this is when I start bringing books to school and I just sit in a corner and read and ignore everyone. However, the teacher likes to pick on me in front of the whole class thinks its funny... somehow... I start skipping school around this time. Parents tell me to "get over myself" (such HELPFUL advice! )

7th-8th- basically skip out on school try to find ways to make myself sick and miss about 3.5/4 months of school, when I return people mention that they didn't notice I was gone (because no one cared) some random bouts of bullying, getting beat-up/hit by kids because they can and no one does anything about it. People stole my clothes/accessories and such to get me to run after them or just for laughs. Get rocks and dirt thrown at me, called mentally ret*d often.

9th-12th: finally make friends- as in plural!! people basically think I'm weird and strange and like- "what exactly is wrong with her?" I spend all my time in the library studying. In my last year, I was in advanced classes but I never had partners for any projects.... I cry to myself a lot. I don't go on school trips because I don't have a group to go with...

College: Cosmic alignment of the stars or SOMETHING - suddenly can make friends and get along better, but extremely poor social skills from all the years of bullying. Now people actually like me! things really take off here, and my whole life changes for the better basically . It was hard, but literally made life worth living for. I make lots of friends from different country; we are all socially unaware together!

Post-college/Now: other disabilities make work really hard, finally after two years out get a job, and it goes HORRIBLE.
Office politics ensue; I get caught up in a lot of it ... LOOOOOTS of social manipulation; I'm totally out of my league swept away in the deluge of NT goobly-gook/social niceties. I got a job where I do the same stuff everyday (in accounting) and I stay in my little room and act really polite and talk as little as I can to others...