When another person's stims are painful for you

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Hey skibum, glad to see you here

I would have felt the same way as you did in those situations. I would probably get up and move to another table, or leave. Too much noise/movement around me can trigger a migraine. And when I'm trying to eat, it actually disturbs my digestion and makes me feel queasy.

The other day I was in the grocery store and they were having some kind of Halloween event. There were a lot of kids dressed up in costumes, running around screaming. They kept running around in front of me when I was trying to push my cart along. I already had a headache and this really pushed it over the edge. What really stunned me is how oblivious the parents were. I never would have been allowed to act like that when I was a child.

When it comes to disabled children, or adults, or crying babies, I am more understanding about things people can't control. But I think it's not right to disturb other people in public. I also realize sometimes I might not know if the other person is disabled or not. It can be tricky to find that line between other people having their right to do something, and me having the right to some peace and quiet.

It's hard for me not to show my discomfort sometimes, because it really affects me physically to be around a lot of noise. I can get dizzy, or start getting a headache, and sometimes I get a rage response. And I mean it takes all the effort I have not to lose my cool.

But sometimes I have noticed the parents might take one look at me, and suddenly start being very harsh with their children about it. They might even hit them or spank them, and then say something to me about how sorry they are. And I don't think it is okay to hit children, so I dislike this far more than hearing the child scream, and usually the child just screams worse anyway after being hit. So I am really hesitant to let people know how uncomfortable I am, because I don't want to see them be mean to their children because of it.

All of this is part of why I really don't like going out that much, because it's not just dealing with the actual sensory issues, but also the social dynamics of how other people respond to me having sensory issues. It's just exhausting.

I think a lot of people who aren't autistic are also sensitive to noise or movement, I might be more sensitive than the average person but it's not that uncommon either. So I think people need to realize, if they are bothering other people, even if they can't help it, they shouldn't take offense to it if other people try to make themselves more comfortable.

The way I look at it, if someone is disturbing me in a restaurant, and I get up and move to another table, or leave, I'm not doing anything to bother them. I'm actually being accommodating to them, and allowing them to have their space while I do what I need to do to be more comfortable. So I feel like it would be kind of self-centered of them if they take offense to that and don't appreciate what I'm doing.

One way to soften it a little, if you ever have to change tables or leave, is to go to the restroom first. Or if you have a cell phone, pull your phone out and look at it, and say excuse me as if you suddenly have a message and need to go somewhere else to take a call. Then when you come back, you just take a different table (if the food still hasn't come out yet), or else let the staff know you want your food boxed up to go.

Thank you for both of your posts. That is also great advice. I will definitely use the "leave with a smile" next time. Dianthus, I am so happy to see you too. I have missed you. It's hard for me to come regularly since I have been spending a lot of time at a place with no internet. But I will definitely hang out when I can.

My some of autistic classmates stims really get on my nerves at times.

I would have just gotten up and left or move to another spot where I couldn't hear it or see it.

This is hard... This is actually why I hated children for the longest time. I hate the loudness of others. I hurts my ears a lot and is very disturbing to me. I even feel that way with people that speak loudly. This is also why I simply cannot and will not get along with some sets of ASD people as well. If you stim loudly in anyway it sets me on edge and makes me want to go into a meltdown it is a HUGE issue for me. I even found that people who would speak loudly- I actively began to dislike- sometime back, but then I realized that I was very actively disliking people over something that was intrinsic to themselves and wasn't their fault. So, I try not to hold it against anyone. However, I find that even just in conversation if the person speaks with a higher volume I physically cringe and start to move away from them and completely disengage from them and the conversation without noticing it!
I did have a friend that was naturally VERY loud, and this friend was also on the spectrum, so it was often hard to communicate with them because they drove me insane with their constant near-yelling all the time and no matter how much or many times I asked "please could you bring your voice down a notch?!" they could never control their volume so.... I didn't hold it against them. I can't control my volume either just in the opposite direction so... oh well! We all have our facets and quirks.

I have an HFA son who stims by playing the piano. Tho he plays well for his age and plays songs--not just banging on it--my 2 older children are extremely bothered. (they have tourette's and dyslexia/ADD and are sensitive to distractions and noises). It is hard to find a balance at times. Sometimes the older 2 need to leave the room; sometimes my youngest is told to stop at 2 songs (or whatever # i tell him). I know he needs to stim, but we also all have to consider each other when we live in the same house. I do my best to find him an alternative activity that will distract him from stimming or another stim that will fill the bill.

I have a hard time with ppl who talk loudly or babies crying in public. I leave the room because it is painful for me. If i stay and endure it, i will have a meltdown--if not then, later after i leave. It is just too much. I don't want to appear rude (i like the earlier suggestion on this thread of leaving with a smile or visiting the restroom first) but i need to take care of me. While i want to be understanding, i am not obligated to endure sounds that are painful for me in a public place. (At home with my kids, sometimes it is a necessary evil.)

But i would say my advice would be to take care of yourself as politely as possible and not worry about what others may think. They have not walked a mile in your shoes.

I have an HFA son who stims by playing the piano. Tho he plays well for his age and plays songs--not just banging on it--my 2 older children are extremely bothered. (they have tourette's and dyslexia/ADD and are sensitive to distractions and noises). It is hard to find a balance at times. Sometimes the older 2 need to leave the room; sometimes my youngest is told to stop at 2 songs (or whatever # i tell him). I know he needs to stim, but we also all have to consider each other when we live in the same house. I do my best to find him an alternative activity that will distract him from stimming or another stim that will fill the bill.

I have a hard time with ppl who talk loudly or babies crying in public. I leave the room because it is painful for me. If i stay and endure it, i will have a meltdown--if not then, later after i leave. It is just too much. I don't want to appear rude (i like the earlier suggestion on this thread of leaving with a smile or visiting the restroom first) but i need to take care of me. While i want to be understanding, i am not obligated to endure sounds that are painful for me in a public place. (At home with my kids, sometimes it is a necessary evil.)

But i would say my advice would be to take care of yourself as politely as possible and not worry about what others may think. They have not walked a mile in your shoes.

Thank you for sharing your stories. I am actually really comforted to not be alone in this.
ProblyanAspie, do you think it would help to get your son an electric keyboard with headphones? We have this issue as well. We are a very musical family and my dad is a very excellent pianist and he plays what seems like ALL DAY EVERY DAY now that he is retired. I find that even though I love to play the piano I cannot stand when he plays because it's just too much. And he plays things that are fast and don't give me the ability to breathe and settle like a lot of Bach pieces. But one time he bought an electric keyboard and that worked great. And I was able to practice in the middle of the night when I was in music school and living with them and not wake anyone up. Unfortunately the keyboard broke so he plays the acoustic again. But that might be a great solution if your son can wear headphones. And even if he can't tolerate the feel of headphones at least he can turn the volume way down.

Unfortunate Aspie,
I know what you mean. My husband is one of those naturally super loud people and he talks with his hands. It really gets to me and like you, I get super drained and exhausted from that and have been driven to headbang from it. But we try to help each other. He really makes efforts to soften up when I remind him and I make efforts to speak up since I am naturally very soft spoken. I find that if he softens up I can hear and understand him much better and if I speak up he can hear and understand me. It's hard for both of us but we do our best to help the other. But I can certainly relate to you and understand how you respond in that situation. It is very hard.

First off, I will say that there's a chinese take-out place that we get food to bring home several times per year, and it also has about 6-8 small tables for people who choose to dine in. Whenever I go in there, most of the tables have one person sitting there, filling out their order menu or waiting for their food to be ready. I also always pick up a menu and pencil from the counter and then go to an empty table and sit down to fill it out. If there is no empty table I stand at the counter and do it instead. Then when they hand me back my order number and say "ten minutes" I *used* to go sit back down at a table, but one time someone sat down at the table with me to wait..... a complete stranger of course.

I sat there for the longest 90 seconds or so of my life and then gave a little half smile and got out my phone and pretended to get a message/look at it for another 30 seconds or so, then got up and said "oh well, of course, that figures" as if something on my phone required me to do something annoying and unexpected, and went outside and sat in the car for the rest of the ten minutes. I was hoping that this act of mine made it seem like I couldn't help but get up and leave. Now I always wait in the car instead.

If I had ordered the food to eat there, though, I would've said "excuse me, but that seat is taken" to the person who sat down, or if it was a day/I was in a mood where I just couldn't bring myself to say something to the person, I'd have gotten up and gone to the counter and switched my order to take-out instead and then eaten in the car or at home.

Restaurants are always one of those situations where anything can happen, with me. You just never know what's going to set me off, if anything. I've had to ask them to move me away from noisy heating systems before, out from under overly-blowing air conditioner vents, to turn the lights back up so I don't feel like I'm sitting in a building where someone forgot to pay hte electric bill, to turn the TV down, you name it, we've done it. My husband knows that taking me out to eat means we may or may not even get far enough in the door to be seated because if I go in and am overloaded by something it's game over. I have tried to wait it out before but I can't eat when the noise is too high or the air is too cold or the room is too dark, so then I have to sit for an hour listening to someone else chewing and trying to stop listening to 6 other conversations all around me (impossible, I somehow hear everything they all say and it all annoys me ,because people talk about stupid stuff, LOL)... well it just ends up a waste of money. We've had to pay for drinks and appetizers and cancel meals quite a few times over the years because the family can see that I just can't do it any longer. I always feel bad and they do get annoyed by it but I appreciate that my husband at least knows that it's not negotiable, and that I truly can't help it. He knows that when my heart rate jumps to a certain extent I have to leave, because I have no fight, it's all flight.

What are people's experiences with noise-cancelling headphones? Could that be a solution in restaurants?