Does it help to 'accept' being alone forever?

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BeaArthur
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30 Dec 2015, 11:58 pm

Well, it sounds like friendships and other relationships is an area of ongoing concern for you. So could you go to the meeting and say this is an area of coping where I am having some difficulty?

You have to start somewhere, and it sounds like what you have been doing up till now is not working.

What kind of mental health care are you getting, and how are you funded for medical insurance?


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Kyle Katarn
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31 Dec 2015, 3:59 am

Choose option B.

I know, it's unhealthy to be an aspie...you're trapped in a prison of loneliness with no hopes of escape.

Personally, my escape is to play two video games that I'm strongly attached to, they make me forget about the real world.

However, if you're lucky, you might get a date one day. I did.



envirozentinel
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31 Dec 2015, 4:18 am

And you're booked for a second date already aren't you, KK?

you have to keep the flame kindled!


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Kyle Katarn
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31 Dec 2015, 4:23 am

Yes, but let's not derail this thread.



babybird
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31 Dec 2015, 5:28 am

There are billions of lonely people in the world, so with that said you shouldn't actually feel lonely.

If you get what I mean.


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b9
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31 Dec 2015, 6:37 am

existentialterror wrote:
After banging my head against the wall trying to make social connections and failing, I wonder if it is better to

A). Try continually to fight the astronomical odds against my finding a friend or partner - the rationale being that some studies have shown that having meaningful human connections is correlated with better health and a higher sense of well-being. (The worry implicit in all of this, is that I'm taking a significant risk and gamble on my long-term health by facing all of life's stressors alone... ) (I'm already prone to severe depression, which is tied very closely to my lack of relationships )

B). Do the opposite and give up trying to make connections - the rationale being that I will only get more increasingly frustrated in the long run.

C). Other ?


Please share your comments on which route you think is best, whether for yourself or others on the spectrum.... Thanks ! !

there is no set recipe for happiness. it all depends upon what you want and need with respect to your personality.

some people do not feel complete or whole unless they are in another person's company. they feel almost that if they are not seen, then they do not exist, or at least they do not matter. i do not have that type of personality.

some people feel that they are either bored or un-utilized when they are not contributing to their own kind in some way or another, whether it be simple communication or community assistance and advice. that is not like me.

some people feel that they are so valuable, that it is a crying shame that no one else rejoices in it. i do not share that feeling.

i personally feel quite comfortable and content on my own, and i have never felt lonely as far as i can remember.
at night when i am done doing as i please, i get up and stretch and wander off to bed and think in terms of "this aint too shabby a life" because i feel lucky i have all that i want at hand.

average people view me as a miserable and joyless character who is bitter and brusque, and they would not want to be how they think i am because they think i must feel like they would if they were in my situation.
but i see them as always chasing after something and never quite satisfied. they go to sleep with worries and fret and sulk over things that are part and parcel to their way of being.
they live in a state of anxiety but they think they are doing well except for whatever it is that they are upset about.

they have what they think i could never achieve, but they also have a less happy life fundamentally than i do.
nothing threatens my routine or my intentions because my only concern is the laws of physics (avoid falling over and hurting myself), whereas the concerns of the average people i know are quite outside of their control.

whatever.

it will not help you to think as i do if you are not as i am because my life would make you sad.

if you truly desire social integration and a girlfriend etc, then to suppress it with resignation will make you bitter and feel ripped off at the end of your life.

___________
as far as loneliness is concerned, it is interesting to think (in a similar vein maybe to what babybird was saying) that in a sense of scale, we are almost in the same place. as viewed from the vastness of our observed universe, a galaxy is the same size as a droplet of fog in a fog shrouded area the size of manhattan, each droplet being a galaxy.
we are in the same droplet.
that droplet when magnified is like football stadium full of fog with each of its constituent droplets being a star.
the size of the earth when viewed from a distance where the sun and alpha centauri (the nearest star) are both visible is indistinguishable.
and yet on this rock everyone that you could ever hope to meet lives. no one is more than 8,000 miles in a straight line away from each other (or if you want to travel on the surface, 12000 miles).
also, everyone is alive now. at this point in time. how long has time been going on for? at least 13.7 billion years.
what is the size of 100 years compared to 13.7 billion years? it is infinitesimally small, and yet we all are here right now. just imagine that you lived in a time where the last (other) human died 50,000 years ago? or in a time when the dinosaurs existed and knew that there would be no humans in existence for the next 60 millions years?
hmm...



Ettina
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31 Dec 2015, 9:12 am

To me, I'd say that depends on why you've been seeking connections.

If it's solely because 'this is something that's supposed to be good for you', but it's not something you really want otherwise, then don't bother. It only improves health because most people find being alone stressful, if that doesn't apply to you, then making connections with others won't improve your health.

But if you find you do, deep down, desire human connection for its own sake, then it's more complicated.



BeaArthur
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31 Dec 2015, 9:33 am

Ettina wrote:
To me, I'd say that depends on why you've been seeking connections.

If it's solely because 'this is something that's supposed to be good for you', but it's not something you really want otherwise, then don't bother. It only improves health because most people find being alone stressful, if that doesn't apply to you, then making connections with others won't improve your health.

But if you find you do, deep down, desire human connection for its own sake, then it's more complicated.

I'm not sure that's true, that connectedness only improves health if you are a person who craves social contact. Some ways that partnering or befriending can improve health:
1. Scheduled events such as breakfast together or dinner out can reinforce a normal biorhythm.
2. Others can see changes you might not, and notice you are pale, fidgety, or flushed, when you might not.
3. Going along to a doctor appointment or to a car mechanic may result in better information exchange.
4. Helping someone else with their problems can provide perspective on your own.
5. Knowing someone can be counted on for assistance increases the options for coping with difficulties, thereby reducing anxiety.

And so on.


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kraftiekortie
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31 Dec 2015, 9:39 am

There are times when people do not feel connected---until they actually get connected.

They see the utility of being connected even when they didn't see it before getting connected.



babybird
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31 Dec 2015, 9:42 am

There are very few people who I have ever connected with.

I could probably count them on the fingers of one hand.


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b9
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31 Dec 2015, 9:49 am

BeaArthur wrote:
I'm not sure that's true, that connectedness only improves health if you are a person who craves social contact. Some ways that partnering or befriending can improve health:
1. Scheduled events such as breakfast together or dinner out can reinforce a normal biorhythm.
what is a normal "biorhythm" and why do i need one?

BeaArthur wrote:
2. Others can see changes you might not , and notice you are pale, fidgety, or flushed, when you might not.
others can be unnecessarily worried as often is the case. i will not be sucked down their plug hole unless i can feel in my body what they say they can see.
BeaArthur wrote:
4. Helping someone else with their problems can provide perspective on your own.
no one else's slant on life makes me reassess my own slant on life. their problems are peculiar to them and i do not suffer with them, so if i help, then it is not for self realization but simple pity (or rudimentary compassion)
BeaArthur wrote:
5. Knowing someone can be counted on for assistance increases the options for coping with difficulties, thereby reducing anxiety.

a problem shared is a problem doubled in my opinion. i like to navigate through my life with only my hands on my wheel.

but otherwise (excepting my oppositional defiant disorder) i think your advice is well intended.



BeaArthur
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31 Dec 2015, 10:25 am

B9, I intend no offense, but I was really directing my response to a comment by Ettina. I don't wish to defend it point by point against your position. I accept your position as your reality. I sometimes try to offer a different perspective on a thread in case someone, such as the OP, may find it useful.

What I am trying to say is I don't believe there is one single "correct" answer to the question in the title. We all have our own solutions to this quagmire called "life."


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kraftiekortie
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31 Dec 2015, 10:27 am

Yep...probably 7 billion solutions or so.



b9
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31 Dec 2015, 10:56 am

BeaArthur wrote:
B9, I intend no offense, but I was really directing my response to a comment by Ettina. I don't wish to defend it point by point against your position. I accept your position as your reality. I sometimes try to offer a different perspective on a thread in case someone, such as the OP, may find it useful.

What I am trying to say is I don't believe there is one single "correct" answer to the question in the title. We all have our own solutions to this quagmire called "life."

ok.



Jacoby
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31 Dec 2015, 1:19 pm

I would say most people that are "happy" alone have some other sort of connection that satisfies them or are experiencing a 'fox and the grapes' type of cognitive dissonance.



Sweetleaf
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31 Dec 2015, 1:26 pm

Does it help what exactly?

I personally cannot fathom how it would have ever been good for me to 'accept' being alone forever. Then I would most likely be alone as had I resigned myself to that fate I would have quit trying to interact with anyone at all.


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