The Line Between Non-Autism and Autism

Post Reply New Topic

Thanks ZombieBrideXD.

I seem to be having problems posting - I keep going through a Captcha. You made some interesting points about the difference between hating your job and not being able to work because of ADS, support, and you asked what I'd rather be doing than socialising with friends?

Im not great at recalling my emotions. I line them up logically and what seems completely logical and sensible one day, looks entirely different another day. It depends on what filter Im looking through at the time. At the moment Im looking through the ASD filter.

Over the years, I've been discussing my work and social issues with various people. A couple have said "my son is like that and he has Aspergers". I didn't pay too much attention until New Years Eve when I was sat in a pub drinking cola having decided to quit alcohol. I realised I didn't actually like listening to the loud rock music, I can't hear anyone, the music is making me tense and is too loud, I want to go home but Im hanging around with my friends hoping they'll leave with me, but they just keep buying more drinks.

I realised I need to be in control of myself and my environment. I went home and looked over my life. I came out eventually with an eight page summary of various issues and remembered back to the Aspergers comments. Did the tests online and came out with the scores listed.

I don't recall stimming, needing routine, disliking change or being bullied, but there are a lot of similarities, unusual behaviour, and a certain unhappiness in my life at the moment as I recognise Im struggling with various things.

I think I am unhappy in the various things I do, like drinking, going to noisy pubs, working in my chosen field - they may not be good matches for me. I don't feel in control. I think over the years, I have not been true to what I want. I have done things to keep others happy, tolerating things, coping with these things and pushing myself down out the way. While I can still tolerate these things to a certain extent, the cracks are showing. I give a good approximation of a human being, physically and emotionally. I feel drained. I am exhausted. I need time out. But I can't have time out can I because I work with no safety net, so I have to keep going. Keep going into the abyss until I destroy myself.

Im recognising Im not able to cope anymore, Im recoiling from some of the activities I thought I enjoyed. Im sensing the anxiety when I do things and compromise my integrity and I feel much better now for saying No!

Im reading a book at the moment which says "For an autistic persons job to be sustainable, the following prerequisites apply: the work must be meaningful, purposeful and interesting. We must be allowed ownership and controlover how we carry out our job. The work environment needs to be relaxing, not too noisy, and free of bullying, herd mentality and discriminatory office politics. We need to have access to empathetic, supportive co-workers and bosses".

I've come to roughly the same conclusion before I even read this. But I thought such statements were true of everyone. Im at a stage where I can no longer hold my job in tension with my self. It's too invasive. Im extremely tense here and panic inside every time I get sent on site. I just about recognise the panic now, but before, I'd have buried every bit of negative energy away in order to please.

I used to be a programmer, but now I work in tech support. Before I was creative/logical. Now Im in a problem solving environment with interaction to a lot of customers in a noisy team. The rules change on a whim. I have always felt victimised in this job, and come to think of it, I have felt victimised, bullied, harassed, and unappreciated in every job I've had. I even felt that way during sixth form. That's one of the reasons I left sixth form. And all that despite saying I don't recall being bullied.

I bury those kinds of feelings, put the blame onto someone else, I don't take ownership. It's not my problem. It can be a good motivator at times. I moan and complain about everything to my friends. In a counselling session, this would never make the time of day. No, everything is fine! Actually there's thousands of problems and I've been doing my best not to acknowledge them. I said earlier I don't recall being bullied. Actually I was. Or as far as I felt.

Do I require support? I don't know. I know I require motivation from others to get me going. If it wasn't for my sister I would never have left sixth form and gone to college. If it wasn't for a friend, I would not be dieting now. It is only because they've drilled it into me, that Im actually even able to do something different.

I've got lots of ideas. I don't know which one I want to do in life, and I don't know how to get started in any of them. I can't see how to transition. It doesn't seem easy for me. I feel Im in limbo, existing, functioning, not living. I need a reset button. I need to stop. I either keep going for as long as I can pushing everything down, moderately aware I am going to burn out. Or I escape. One way or another.

Thanks SocOfAutism.

I know I am human. Of course I am. But people don't see the real me. For some reason, they see someone they think is mega confident, charismatic, full of energy. I think it's because I wear bright bold colourful clothing and have a smile on my face all the time. It's only when they get to know me that they start to find the flaws. They can't possibly understand how someone like me could be shy.

They still don't see all the neurosis, the heartache, the anxiety, the struggles, the problems sleeping, the tiredness, the obsession. My virginity I've turned into a joke. I dream about it. But for the life of me, how do you attract a mate? The only two times I came close was because someone else intervened and set me up. Apparently when I was a teenager, some girls came up to me and a friend, I turned around and said "I like buses". It's like I know I want it, but I don't want to go through the hassle of doing it. I need to be eased in slowly and gradually. I've always said, I never wanted a one night stand. People don't understand me. Even now, people are trying to arrange this for me. But the whole idea creeps me out. This isn't all about sex though. Im sure I've got it less than most people, but it doesn't stop me struggling through every day of my life, wishing I was somewhere, anywhere else but here, but knowing I've got no way out. I've come close to ending my life before, the only thing stopping was wondering if it didn't work as expected, what would people say? What if I broke something?

I nearly destroyed myself 15 years ago, and Im not going back there. Then I had no friends. I only worked. I had massive obsessions. I thought I may have been bipolar because I was bouncing off the wall one moment, followed by lots of anger. I was unable to cope. But still no one saw anything wrong. Not even the mental health profession.

I've kept everything hidden.

Im not on the verge of destroying myself, but Im in a stage where Im paying more attention to what's going on inside. Nothing makes sense anymore, everything seems pointless. What have I been doing with my life? Im nowhere near depressed about it. I don't have a great life when I compare myself to my peers. Im in a rut. Im stagnant. Im not doing anything. Im a 38 year old single man living with his parents who doesn't go anywhere or do anything and who frankly, is a pretty lacklustre friend. Sure I can pin point little things I can be proud of, and I can probably be proud of my temprement. But I've achieved nothing. Im a man who is fascinated by thoughts and ideas without having the guts to put anything into practice and really make a serious go of anything.

I simply don't have the energy, Im being burned out by surviving in this job - and possibly loads of other things, and if it is ASD, Im probably being burned out by being someone Im not, subjecting myself to things that aren't good for me, and never were.

Somethings going to give, I just don't know when.

I don't know you, but I've read a few of your posts here in your thread. And forgive me making observations here and there when something you say strikes me as interesting. That's a bad habit. I've had strep throat this past week and I'm a little tired, so maybe I'm typing without thinking about being considerate.

You truly do sound a lot like several different people I know or have known. I'm not in your shoes, but I think I do get what you're saying. It sounds to me like you're your own harshest critic.

I've always thought that shy people were the very best sort. Lots of people feel that way, and I'm sure there are people you've met who feel that you are the very best person they know, and they'd like to know you better. You don't have to become Mr. Partytime in order to connect with the type of people who will appreciate you.

Do you think you're pushing yourself too hard to be something you're not? I feel like when people get to know a person there shouldn't be too much of a surprise. If there is, maybe you're letting the wrong people get to know you.

Thanks again. Given how I feel now, I think there's some truth in what you say. I've seen people around me doing things, and they inspired me. I do think I want to do more, I want to have a go, I want to try.

I compared myself to others I guess and never say no to an opportunity. I like to think it's an opportunity to grow and discover more about yourself.

I guess the thing Im learning about myself is that Im stressing myself out. Im not built for what Im doing. No amount of practice is going to solve it. I've read books on charisma which talks about saying to yourself "I've done this before, there's no fear". I do that. But Im still anxious whenever I do things. I do readings and prayers at Church, and it takes a lot out of me, prayers especially because Im putting so much of myself into them. Other people just seem unphased. I listen to others when they socialise and the way they form questions and I wish I could establish those kind of relationships myself. Outside of social events at Church, no one invites me anywhere. I don't connect with anyone. First I thought it was them. Then I thought it was me so I tried more and still failed. Why is it so difficult for me to connect? Why do I rely on others to lead the way in socialising? I don't even think about it! Anything I do, it's 1001 questions, is it right, is it appropriate, how will it be received, does it have the right wording, does it say the right thing, what do other people do, how do other people behave, is this cheap, too expensive? Will I make someone feel guilty? What if they've got me something? Do I write Christmas cards to the person, the person and partner, their family, do I mention the kids by name? Forget trying to offer anyone any help unless I've established a routine and some understanding of the person. Will they be offended if I help? Will they be offended if I don't help? Some people are self reliant. Will they think Im coming on to them? Am I intruding? All these kinds of questions. I basically don't do anything unless Im asked then Im "yes yes yes, I'll do anything for you!". But that's not a healthy attitude either.

Before investigating ASD, I was just sure all I needed to do was to push myself, practice, pay attention, ask questions, have a go, it'll get easier, all I need to do is get some confidence and get involved. It will come. It hasn't. The question is, what should I leave alone and not pursue, and what should I try to overcome? Is anxiety something you should overcome by trying to do more?

I know when I go out, Im not exactly Mr Partytime, but Im not exactly Mr Shyguy either. Im acting the fool, I start getting on to unusual body tricks, éxploiting double jointedness and putting pint glasses in my mouth. I can always be guaranteed to make others laugh. People love me for it. But I feel like a one trick wonder with no substance.

My close friends know Im capable of more.

Thanks

Of course you're capable of more!

You, as a few posters stated, are your own worst critic.

I have friends who have never told me that they are autistic, but I would be willing to bet a great deal of money that they are. A specific friend of mine is a kind of famous international artist.

Anyway, he has a huge number of friends, who I would say are more on the acquaintance level. But he keeps everyone's contacts in his phone and social media and when someone talks to him he always gets back to them. He will occasionally ask someone for a social favor. Such as how to talk to a woman about something without appearing to be hitting on her. He'll just ask a male that he knows is friends with that woman. Once he needed to renew his VISA and was clearly terrified to go alone. He asked each of his friends in turn, and finally found someone to drive him, accompany him, and explain all the processes to him. He had done this before and there was no language barrier. He was just nervous.

It's great that you're active in church. Usually church members are just looking for an excuse to be helpful. They may feel a little awkward around you, because they're picking up on you feeling awkward yourself. If you ask for advice on how to handle something or help with a task, I'm sure anyone there would be relieved at a way to connect with you. That's how church people strengthen their relationships with each other- they help each other out.

And I would just take a step back from the testimony kind of stuff. Isn't that what it's called? Where you get up and speak? I'd just do it rarely, so people can see you're trying and you can stay in practice. I think it's supposed to feel good to do that. If it's a trial, I don't think you're supposed to force yourself to do it all the time. Then you can concentrate more on listening and learning things. My husband's granny used to be very nervous about speaking in church. People said that every once in awhile she would get up to the podium and squeak out, "I love Jesus!" and sit back down. Everyone thought it was sweet that she took the effort, even though it was clearly hard for her.

I think you're on the right track. Keep us posted so we can hear how you're coming along.

Thanks again SocOfAutism

My problem at Church is that I generally feel like the odd one out. Other people have made connections with other people and I seem to struggle. It's hard for me to see them as friends because we don't do anything outside of Church. I keep hearing other people inviting each other out and I just feel like Im invisible. They seem like acquaintances. I've got a spreadsheet to help me decide whether they're friends or not.

In some respects I feel like I've stepped into a private party. People all around me talking in their groups. I want to go up to talk, but I can't. I don't even know what to say. How do I break the ice? There's someone I know - and Im going to change events here just to protect the innocent - but he changed my tyres a couple of years ago - he was at Church with his wife recently, all I could think of is "Remember me, you changed my tyres!" er, what next? Have I got a less cliched opener? I need some lines! What I want to do is get to the point and say "Hey, you seem like a great person and Im really grateful for what you did to me, I'd quite like to get to know you better as friends, spend some time with you, go to the pub, the cinema, I don't care really, I'd just be happy to have another friend".

How do I pursue a friendship without coming across as all clingy and needy? How do you go about inviting couples out? How do I go about connecting? What do I do to get noticed? How do you do the casual small talk? My talk with these people is very "functional". I might try and ask various questions like if they know a good mechanic, thinking any conversation is good conversation. I feel like I constantly have to break the ice. Nothing progresses. Nothing ever moves forward.

One woman at Church often comes up to talk to me out of nowhere, she startles me, I get flustered and I can't speak. I've stood right next to her to talk, and she ignores me. Of course part of that is my fault for not announcing that I wanted to talk to her.

There are people at Church who are more direct, and more considered in their approach, it's easier with them, I connect better with them.

Maybe I should ask these people for help more often. I don't exactly share an awful lot with them and then I get jealous that other people get their details splashed all over the newsletter. Why not me? Why am I invisible again? Why doesn't anybody ask what's going on in my life?

Should I just blurt everything out? I get the feeling that they don't see the real me. They don't understand me. If I could try a bit more, they might see me, they might help, they might reach out to me more. I guess Im the one not being direct. Of course why would I be direct and open, I see them as acquaintances, not trusted friends. And the other problem, I still don't know who I am. A couple of people I have explained how difficult I find things, and they say "yeah, we know".

My close friends, people who I've known since school, people who by all accounts, have been the ones to reach out more to me than I have to them, I have little problem sharing everything with them. I will ask people their advice in approaching women, and will rely on my friends for social purposes. But if there's something I have to do like renewing a visa, I have no problems doing it myself because it's so functional!

The talk I did wasn't a testimony, but I know what you mean. I did a talk on Holiness which was absolutely brilliant. I loved doing all the research and chewing over all the details. Loved it. But when it came to presenting it - nightmare. Glad I did it, good to challenge myself, but I was a wreck before during and after.

Can you just clarify about me being on the right track? Which track am I on?

Thanks

Thanks ZombieBride

Oh that was me just replying to your points regarding hating work vs not coping with work and whether I need any support.

Here's my first post:

viewtopic.php?t=303327

And I've got an 8 page colour coded summary of my life history.

No diagnosis. Im not pretending I have one and not going to say I am one thing or another until I've had this checked. I guess I am an ASD aspirant!

Essentially I have a few key things that are affecting my life at the moment, things Im unhappy with. That's why Im keen to seek support with. But when bringing out my life history and doing the AQ, EQ, RAADS-R and RDOS test, well, all I can say is some interesting things come out.

..." Impersonation of a human being " ? Hm .

Autism is the only logical explanation I have for myself and what I deal with. I have been diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety disorder, ptsd and major depression w/ psychotic features. My psychiatrist referred me to the clinic that deals with autism but they don't take my insurance. I wonder what the benefit of an official diagnosis would be anyway. I already take 5 different medications a day to deal with my issues. I'm already on SSI. Because I deal with life and function like many autistic people, I have autism.