Did I Ruin a Possible Relationship?

Post Reply New Topic

Just remember that aspies have a hard time connecting in a deeper, more emotional way. Some much more than others.

Right now, my best advice (besides what I've already said) is: Just be her friend, put her at ease.. Don't try to be more at this point... and don't act like you're trying to be more.

Assuming she really has AS, I would tell her that there is a cat effect: when another person withdraws, other people like to chase. I dare to say this may be your case (you seem to chase a lot of shy people), although with the best intentions. She shouldn't forget, but shouldn't dwell in the past. If you are consistently coherent with a new way to correctly deal with her, it's all OK.

If she insinuates she'd like to go for a walk, I think you should plan in advance when this will happen (maybe not in the same day she insinuated this), and actually do it. She may really like to go for a walk, but she may have troubles you cannot understand doing so. If you plan to do anything together and she agrees, always do it. She doesn't talk just to open her mouth. If you take what she says seriously since the beginning you will build trust (with NT girls don't work that way).

One of the problem with aspies is executive dysfunction, which means that aspies can understand roughly how to do something but may not be able to do it because they have to learn it pace to pace. It is irritating being said to do something so complex like going out and have fun when you don't know how to do it, or where to learn it; this makes people assume a defensive posture: they are attacked, yet they can't flee. You have to actually show them an escape route. Aspies don't understand social behaviour well, but they do have things like a sense of respect. If you criticize an aspie without telling him what is doing wrong and how to fix it (a constructive behaviour), he will assume you are simply trying to put him down in the social ladder (keep in mind that humour is how aggressivity is made socially acceptable). In a way, this also assumes the other doesn't have any reasons for what he is doing, which may be considered rude.

Although she may be acting from something which doesn't belong consciousness (like a sensory issue: if you don't like hearing high-pitched laughs you won't go in a crowd), assume she has a reason for everything she does. You may be even ask her, if you mind remember what she says. Don't have fear to verbalize your behaviour, too. You can be blunt how much you want if you just don't talk bad about things or are vulgar.

Another thing I can say is that aspies like to learn new things, so a bonding activity may be telling her to teach you something, or you teach her something (people with AS like to learn what AS is). Or maybe you can play a boardgame. Aspies are mental more than emotional, so it's not about telling jokes, you have to give her something to think about, and then wait until she have thought.

I wouldn't say you are a jerk but you are presumptuous about your abilities to open people up. If anything AS often like to be alone, it depends. You come across more AS that her in you presumptions. I happen to know people that are more than just shy and most of them are not AS. You are excluding one possibility she might not like you, or feels you're not being clear about your intentions.

Best advice I would give is just be around as one of the gang. Maybe if you get an opportunity to talk to her just say you want to get to know her. Don't expect anything in return and don't try and force a situation. Don’t be a hero.

WELL SAID! That is the crux of what I tried to say. I just wanted to TRY to give an active option(with the caveat that it was dangerous, etc), as well.

Steve

Ok Erich...

Are you generally successful and popular with women? If not, maybe she doesn't fancy you. If yes, maybe she still doesn't fancy you .

No reason to resort to psychology textbooks to understand why you got the brush off.

Assuming that she has AS and is capable of warming up to you, and that's a huge IF, you need to understand that many ASers are so used to rejection that we practice pre-emptive rejection. The girl who said she has been "courted" in the past, and that it turned out she was being set up for a cruel prank, was right on. Similar things have happened to most of us on this forum. We are cautious about socializing and needs lots and lots of encouragement that you really are sincerely interested. Don't look for the same cues and overt emotional response that you get from other people. You're in AS land. Time to learn the native language : )

Also...why are you giving flowers to someone you haven't even had a first date with? I have AS and even I know not to do THAT

PS- this is not a license to stalk. if she seems a little cold, it's ok to be a little persistent. however if she tells you in no uncertain terms to clear out, then you must respect her wishes as she has expressed them to you.

EDIT

After re-reading your posts I have concluded that you are an idiot. She told her sister she doesn't like you. She doesn't want to go biking with you because she doesn't like you. At this point she is half-using, half-tolerating you. I mean, you've been buying her presents and doing things for her for the last TWO YEARS? Jesus man, take a hint, grow a pair, stop being the nice guy sap that shovels her driveway for her so she can drive to her boyfriend's house to shack up for the weekend

Last edited by beautifulspam on 19 Apr 2007, 9:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

This is my suggestion on how to make him feel like sh**:

1) say this is how his avatar should look like:


2) reprimand him we are people, not tins!

Now that I think about it, maybe he should explain why he think she has AS. Does she have stims?

I fear to be dumb, but I must confess I still don't understand whether he was trying to lay the one with AS or her sister

People who are inately introverted don't like to be pushed. That is a misconception by extraverts. 25% of the population is introverted to varying degrees. "Social issues" is a matter of interpretation. There is a spectrum of socialability even among NTs so you should disabuse yourself of that idea.

Introverts enjoy relationships with a couple of close friends and lose energy by socializing. Extraverts gain energy by socializing with a lot of people.

At this point, you don't know if she has AS or if she is inately introverted. Introverts do not see themselves as having social issues, but a choice not to be overburdened with excessive socializing which drains energy.

If someone "liked" me, I'd rather they say it explicitly: the words 'I like you! Do you like me?' Everything else can be interpreted a trillion and one ways, ways that confuse me to no end and end up hurting you (and me) when I’m incapable of deducing what you really meant. I do figure it out eventually...only several years later. (She may not understand what "like" means though...good luck there.)

If she "likes" you, she'll tell you when you ask her.

That’s of course if her autism is similar to mine, it might be; it might not be. You have to ask eventually, you cannot expect an autistic individual (who’s like me) to stare into your eyes and “understand”, to accept your gifts and “understand”; the only thing we understand (on the spot) is the absolute spoken truth.

You know what I think you should leave it. SeriousGirl said pretty much what I was going to say. I don't want to mention other conditions because I think you got hung up on AS with no real idea what it is. The benefit of cooling off is if she really did miss you she might mention it to her sister. Don't hold your breath though. I realise you have good intentions but sometimes your rules don't apply. These do sometimes but that doesn't mean it is universal. Peopl have circles of friends we like, maybe your not in it. Even people who do have 'social issues' they can only help themselves, when they are ready.

Be honest did you once think of her romantically they when got the brush off thought to yourself 'oh I'll try and be her friend'? I say that because I made that mistake before it doesn't always work I don't think.

As for unwanted intrusions. I have this guy at martial art that keeps trying mentor me. He is really nosey and annoying. I don’t mind doing the banter like I do with the others. I’ll occasionally go for a drink after. But I don’t want to go with him because he is so nosey and always talks about hard marriage is and how he never goes out. I’m sorry this is not my fault, how many times do I have to hear it? He should go to counselling. I sure he is great and all but I don't want to be his friend. I have my own friends he not in my sort. Simple as.

My sister is increadibly introverted, becoming much more so the older she got. She has had a few childhood romances (Gr. 6/7) Then she had one boyfriend that she really did not like and treated very much like how a cat would treat a person, when she was 14.

Between 14 and 24, she had a ton of "crushes" but would never persue them, playing this dance of cat and mouse with them, (her being the mouse in this case, and the cat not being overly agressive).

She met a very agressive "cat" once, who tried to "sweep her off her feet". He came in with a bang, bought her all sorts of stuff, wrote her letters, very quickly suggested spending the rest of his life with her... She ran away screaming brandishing a knife yelling stay away from me (all metaphorically anyway, she did not REALLY do that for the litteral aspies on the board! ) Anyway, she still talks about the "psycho" years after the fact.

Then, she met another mouse one day at work. They admired eachother at work, they talked at work, and over the course of TWO YEARS came to the decision it would be a good idea to date. They both where deeply infactuated with eachother from the start, but it took TWO YEARS to see eachother, or call eachother even ONCE outside of work.

They have now been together for 2 years, and have just finished their first year "shacked up". Things are going really well.

Now, she is not an Aspie, just an introvert, but this is what you may be up against...

Well, I have no hard feelings to all the posters here. But it appears that many are thinking of me in the wrong way.

I'm just a nice guy trying to be nice to another person. That's it! I would do that whether she had AS or not. I was just curious how I should deal with this situation so that I would not irritate her.


There seems to be lot's of accusations/distrust flying around about my intentions. Even put downs? Again, I was just wanting to go out and do stuff with her.


Maybe this was the wrong place to ask my question. I appreciate the good advice given by those particular members.


I suppose if she views me like the majority of you do, I'm finished anyway. I'm sorry because I didn't realize the amounts of mistrust that must come with having AS.




Sorry if I offended anyone else in this thread. I was just asking for advice.

OH MAN is that ironic! One symptom of AS is that we are TOO trusting! Of course, there is that darned intelligence and other peoples garbage that gets in the way! That means that when MORE garbage heads your way, you tend to get upset easily. Your idea of buying people and pushing is just TOO much. And NOW you blame even MORE on AS!?

BTW AS people ARE supposed to be blunt. HEY, I never said you WERE a jerk, simply that you acted like one. I guess that is what I get for trying to be clear about what you did wrong, and ways you could MAYBE set it right.

Steve

Okay Steve, You think I am acting like a jerk because I mentioned that I bought a bike for a woman that wants to go bike riding?

And somehow, because I bought a present for someone I have known for 3 years.........instead of being considered nice, I'm considered a jerk, or people insinuate that I have odd intentions? Sure, you may trust people, but you sure aren't giving me much of a chance here. You have read my posts with some type of anger ( or distrust????)and let it build from there without giving a chance.




No one has ever bought anyone a bike? Does every gift you recieve come with some sinister intentions?






Sorry, this is obviously not the best place for me to be asking these questions. Steve, I hope you don't get aggrivated with people that give you gifts. It's intended to be a nice gesture by the giving person......not some strange warped intentions of taking advantage of who knows what. Trust? Your AS must be hard to deal with, and I hope all goes well.




Sorry to everyone else for any bad comments.

I think you sound like a great and caring guy, heck if I was not married I may say "lets hook up".

I am sure you would find me "quirkier then hell" but I would go bike riding!

The problem is, you would not want me, you would want my sister, (well, actually neither of us, you want someone else, but I think you know what I mean!)

What I admire about you, would scare the heck out of my sister.

I would "stop" persuing her so hard for a while. Give it a break. I don't mean just for a relationship or to get her out of the house, I mean at all, even for a friendship. Give her her space back.

Then, after say, several months, just drop a few lines with her, be nice, show interest in what she is doing at the moment. See if she takes interest in you. Let her guide what she is ready for.

If things progress after that, try and not to get too gung ho again. Let her lead. If she says things like "I would like to go bike riding" ask her what day would be good. This does not put her on the spot for the "moment" it gives her time to mentally "prepare". But, it makes it a solid plan, not something that can be put off as "someday".

She may run, let her, if she does not want to give a date, don't press, don't be threatening! (I know you don't think you are!) But take this approach with everything afterwards... just give lots of space.

I have the same problem. An examples- one day, I decided that I was going to go for walks and bike rides on a regular basis. Two years later, I am going for walks almost every day and riding my bike a couple of times a week. It took that long to change my behaviour. It was that difficult to break my normal daily routine and get out of the house, even though this was something that I really wanted to do.