Finally figured out why "Calm down" bugs me

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Just a mite, perhaps.

My daughter often tells me I should use different behavior or say different things in my interactions with her. I've started to push back a little. I cannot always be parsing how I say things just because she has Asperger's. After all, she doesn't always act diplomatically toward me, and I have Asperger's too!

Here's the problem with other people not trying to take things into consideration.

Was in China in October. Got to the hotel. Went to get my tablet out of my carry on and it was missing. Now, I freaked out because it was my work tablet with 10 months of work on it as well as the expense. So while I'm starting to lose control, I'm being told to 'calm down'. Now, Let see....

1) 10 months of work lost
2) still paying off about 700 on it and to replace it would require another 950 to replace and trick back out again.

So, I had a reason to be very upset and people just saying 'calm down' is telling me that my very real worries are not valid. Not one person, as I was losing it, ever said or even wanted to acknowledge my loss. They just wanted me to not disturb them.

We are being told everyday to have to take everybody else into consideration. So, why can't they do the same?

I'm probably going to be overlooked in this conversation, per the usual. But I wanted to add that when I tell people not to say/do things they usually have the reaction of , "you can't control me" and I tell them that of course I can't, but I can choose to be around them or not.

Sounds like a pretty good response.

I generally try to do that as well. When a person won't respond in a way that I ask them to because it helps avert trouble, I too tend to avoid them. But, in the above example, it was my wife who was making it worse. She had seen me work using that tablet for 18 or so hours a day for 10 months straight, and also gave me hell for buying a piece of equipment that expensive.

No, I don't think that's true. You're hearing it that way, but "calm down" might also mean "You can probably problem-solve about this better if you calm yourself down." Or maybe "we can help you deal with this circumstance better if we all keep calm."

Or maybe it does mean "quit bothering us with your emotional display." To be perfectly honest, I think that's a reasonable request of the people in this situation. I don't like it when people around me get loud, excitable, abusive, and out of control. Do you?

I wouldn't walk up to a stranger and say calm down. I have no idea what's bothering someone else, why would I interfere there?

As for what I hear, that's exactly the point. Just because you mean one thing doesn't mean that's what's being heard. And, if it isn't working, are you just going to keep saying it?

And you kinda just said what I've been saying. You think it's perfectly reasonable and so do most people. But if it ain't working, why do you think you're right?

And, when another person is overwhelmed, in complete sensory overload, and not really able to accept input, what makes you think that 'calm down' is going to make a difference?

I'm suggesting you learn how to comport yourself. You can't affect what other people do, especially strangers. But you can affect how you yourself behave.

And I'm saying that as I identify things (This is all new) and seek ways to work with this, there are certain people I expect to work with me. Just telling me to do things ain't gonna work. If it had, I wouldn't be in this situation now at such a late date.

Identifying what doesn't work for now, and what does is actually a proper way of doing this.

And at what point do I have to do all the thinking while my brain is blowing up from all the input and overload? We're not talking about, 'oh wow, I just forgot my keys in the house.'

Haha, I'm going to yell "hamburger!" the next time someone in my house announces that they are hungry (which means they want me to cook something).

Seriously though, if you know that people telling you to calm down is going to make things worse for you, and you know that people are going to say it regardless, maybe you can come up with a script ahead of time to say if people say that to you?

If you practice what you can say, and have it prepared ahead of time, it will be there in your mind, like a program, waiting for you to use it. So your response to "calm down" could be something like "I can't calm down, something is wrong, saying that to me makes it worse." That way the person (hopefully) will not continue to say it to you.

I know that sometimes this kind of mental programming can help people who have trouble managing their emotions at times. It gives that person a "plan" to use when things get out of control, so that they can be ready for it.

If you try using this, it may help to keep your panicked state from escalating when somebody says something like that to you, and perhaps they will instead say something that can be of help to reduce your panic.

Yeah, I'm trying to get Wifesidious to work with me on those things. It's the few that I expect to work with me while I get this sorted out.

But, I am trying to approach this as a 'safeword' type of thing. Something so 'out there' that it serves as an alert that registers differently.

I mean, I have had idiots tell me to 'calm down' just to try and shut things down and lay off responsibility. This I know because I did ask others who were there what they thought of what happened. So part of it is also my inability to distinguish when someone is just being an ass or someone is being genuine. That just adds to the overload and starts that process leading to a meltdown.

So, until I can find the ways to work with this, there are people I expect to work with me as well. If a stranger came up to me and told me to calm down, I'd just tell them to buzz off.

Strangers should be minding their own business, in my opinion. Unless they think the person is about to become violent. Then they should probably just tackle that person, if they are that concerned. Or call the police.

I probably would not approach a stranger.

Yeah....or pull out the phone and put it on youtube, eh?

If you are sometimes distressed by other people's emotional displays, then other people are probably sometimes distressed by yours. So they may say calm down to get you to stop the display, and calm down may have nothing to do with not taking you seriously, but more like having to address their emotional distress first, by trying to stop what is causing it. So I wouldn't really blame others for saying something that is addressing their spontaneous emotional reactions that they may not be able to control better than you can control yours.

When I am dealing with others, I do not expect certain things. But within my own home as I learn to cope with things that I didn't know existed until just a few months ago, yes, I do expect them to work with me.

If they don't make an effort, then they can't expect me to do everything for them as well. I'm having enough difficulty, but still working to do things better. So, I'm trying to pull my load. They can too.

I just want a select few to work with me as I get this under control.

I don't like being told to calm down. It feels like the person is telling me to stop expressing my feelings, when I usually can't.