Autism and the lacking sense of self or who am I?

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This is a fascinating thread! I only recently figured out that I'm probably on the spectrum, so that caused a huge shift in self image - specifically, it's not so much me the clueless jerk as me whose brain is wired differently. This allows me to forgive myself of past mistakes and to learn what I need to know to communicate a little more clearly. But now I want to understand who I am more deeply. Several years ago I was fascinated with Hindu scripture and philosophy, where the true self is a tiny spart of God (or however you describe the divine), and our job is to reunite. The best way to see this version of your self is through meditation, something I failed miserably at learning, lol! So what is the difference between the self who loves chocolate ice cream, the self who is autistic, and the self who is partly divine? Or more to the point, how do we identify and reconcile these various images of who we are? I used to think this wasn't so important, but I was finding that every time I thought I knew myself I'd always find I was wrong! I tend to think the best of things, and the only one I can lie to is myself!

I am not sure if I am on the spectrum, although several things point to it.
I am a 46 year old woman with 6 kids ( 2 with autism and 1 who scored high on the AQ test )
I spent childhood wishing to slot in with my peer group after being called a snob etc so
I started cussing and smoking and generally acting out. This continued to mid teens when
I settled for a time and had a child when I was 19. I think anyone with young children looses a sense of self
in a big way. I continued having children into my early 30s. Not really considering who I was as I was someones
mother, and that was enough.
I became a single mum to 6 kids at the age of 32, with the kids growing up quickly, I had more time to reflect on my sense of self.
In my mid 30s I had severe depression that lasted over a year for the worst part, then quite a few years recovering
in full.
I never sought help as i was worried that I would appear weak and have my kids taken away.
As the fog of depression lifted slowly, I began finding who I was and becoming more comfortable in my own skin,
and being happy at the person I was becoming.
I then remarried in my 40s and tried for more children but lost two in the process, then I began to hit peri -
menopause.
I had spent so many years being pregnant and being a mother and just being able to get pregnant, I suddenly
began to wonder, well who am I now. I am no longer that person.
In my mid 40s is when my youngest son was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome ( My other son was diagnosed age 3 )
I decided to take a test online with my son to see how he answered questions, so I would know how to support him and offer guidance. We both took the AQ test ( well i had everyone take it ) My son with Aspergers scored lower than me, which was a bit of a strange moment. When I had to ask myself, do I have ASD ? I read several things on ASD in women to better understand some of the differences between the genders on the spectrum. I read how woman tend to wear many masks to hide it. And I am sure many men do the same. I then realised that there is a pattern in my own life, and recall a conversation I had when i mentioned years ago how we all have different masks for different situations. Now I realise that was probably just me and not everyone does have so many constructed personas.
So now I am back to the beginning. WHO AM I. Not mother, not wife, not sister, not friend, not neighbour. Just me.
I plan to seek a diagnosis as I have an appointment with my GP on the 22nd,and I guess i will be on a long waiting list.
Either way if i am N/D or N/T I will have to find myself again. Its like a life time edition of Where's Wally / Waldo

What sort of autism do your kids with autism have?

I was diagnosed with good, old-fashioned Kanner Autism when I was 3. A little later, it was changed to "brain-damaged" just before I started talking.

Thanks to the poster who mentioned BPD borderline and a chameleon to different people.

I think it's positive that my lack of self result of me to show different social mask to different people. so I shape shift my behavior , character , tone of voice to the other party.

In regards to self image and autism doesn't care as much as NT. I do care a lot on my self image , reputation , and about my looks , may have narcissistic traits.

Without knowing I am trying to please and appear inviting to the people around me so that I may appear non asd.

my true self appear to be snob , rude, sulking , can't be bothered , unable to maintain r/s, inattentive, reserved, invisible. But I look dam "cool" as a man as others say about me. I wished I am the guy smoking a cig with ray ban and drive a bike to the sunset.

Unfortunately in reality , the good NT personality that's going to be a magnetising personality is welcoming, warm, chatty, generous, funny, confident. And because people around them acknowledge and are comfortable with their personality, their sense of self is strong. They constantly talk about their self shamelessly, their strengths and visions so people wrap around a 'image' of who the person is generally.

As for me, seems that my external image is the cool jock guy who does yoga. So if I keep pushing that positive image , that's my sense of self molding up in the real world which is more important than my own world.(after living in my own world for 3 decades)