Has any one trained to do more eye contact?

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spiderpig & unfortunate_aspie_ : Yes! All of it! 'Forcing' someone on the spectrum to do NT behaviors is a form of reparative therapy and like all other forms, it doesn't actually work the way it is portrayed. Oh, it might be deemed successful b/c the immediate simple goal was reached, but there are always unforeseen repercussions. Even the simplest of social communication behaviors are actually incredibly complex but the 'researchers' / therapists cannot realize that because for them it is simple. Being NT, they are unaware of the complexity underlying the behavior because for them it is built in & automatic; it is below the level of their conscious recognition. I should mention that sometimes the repercussions may be minor and worth it, but it's completely idiosyncratic - it depends on your personal strengths, weaknesses, defenses, etc.

OP: I learned to do eye contact fairly young under duress. I got pretty good at it by midlife and can make myself do it when I have to. I can look at a person's eyes or between them or just above or below. But it causes stress and I now know that the way it works is the moment my gaze gets near their face, I feel dissociation kicking in. Which makes attending to the conversation itself problematic. So, yeah. It all "works" but at a high price. In circumstances where I had to do it intensely for a full day I was...broken by the end of the day. Wiped out, exhausted, set back in battling dissociation & other negative adaptations/defenses in general, etc..

So now what I do is look the person in the eye at least once, briefly, at the beginning of the conversation and then make a small show of looking away & verbally conveying that I'm listening & thinking about what they've said. It teaches them that this is *my* way of listening and often being NT, they readily adapt. I try to reinforce the message occasionally in a long conversation, careful to not keep the gaze long enough to do damage.

I remember seeing in passing that for neurodiverse people that have a natural tendency to not look somebody directly in the eye that is allowed to do so often has a much easier time forming a well thought out response. The example they gave was two students, one NT and one neurodiverse, were given the same math problem to solve, each given the freedom to solve it as they wished or something to this effect. Both arrived at the same correct answer.

I experience what azzazinator mentioned earlier. I understand the principle of eye contact, and can do it if it's the focus of my attention. But that doesn't make it any more comfortable, and it distracts me from both listening and speaking. I have a similar problem if I start to think about what I'm doing with my hands or posture.

I've learned to verbally indicate that I am still paying attention more than I used to, which helps a bit - but if I get engrossed in what a person is saying, or working out a response, even that requires too much attention.

I look at faces, more than normal, because it helps me to understand speech.

It seems to be all broken apart and mixed up. The visual stimulus helps me to tie it together.

I can see that I have very deep eyes, at times, which, to me, registers as being inquisitive and not forceful.

But, I find that people seem to be intimidated.

It feels like the same, intuitive, mental energy you get, when you're told not stare at an edgy monkey (or show it your teeth.) It's not a passive-aggressive statement, about their intelligence. I'm just thinking of something that was bright, bushy, nervous, and fearful. Cagey is the word, I'm looking for.