do you ever feel it's hard to have good self esteem

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I'm less critical of myself now that I know that I'm not lazy, immature, callous, intolerant, selfish, undisciplined, and all the other things that have been explanations for the way I am up until a little while ago.

I knew that I was always trying very hard. And I knew that I was trying to be more responsible, and to be kind and considerate, and that I worked very hard, even harder than most people. But that didn't matter, because people thought badly of me. And I believed them, because I had no other explanation for why I was unable to accomplish the things that normal people can do, despite my intelligence and talents. And why I had no friends.

So I guess now I can accept that I have a disability, and that I have to try much harder than most others do to accomplish the same things, and that doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes my life suck.

Mine is in a spiral lately because I am finding out a lot of things that I thought were a certain way are not so.

I now wonder how much I've:
a) Blindly stumbled through life
b) Been dependent on people in ways I did not understand before. You find this out when you ain't got anybody doing anything at all anymore.
c) All those time I thought things were one way, were not so, or maybe they are, or maybe it's somewhere in between and I don't know and I don't like not knowing things in a concrete fashion.

Here is an example. Having done a lot of research and paying attention to things in a more informed manner I have found out, or finally recognized, that I actually have difficulties such as comprehension. For some reason, I invert meanings. I've been aware of how difficult it is to grasp some things, but now that I'm fully independent, it has bit me in the ass.

I just spent two days getting my unemployment straightened out because I inverted a meaning on one of the qualifying questions. This invalidated my claim. Panic time.

Call up and they said I 'refused work'. I clarified that I had not refused or even been offered work. Then I had to call back today to get it finally straightened out. Had to take the application over the phone. This time I was able to answer the questions in complete ways instead of 'yes' or 'no'.

How in the world I could misread that baffles me, but in a way, also doesn't surprise me either.

But, it's been one damned kick in the ass after another as I think I am realizing that, basically, I'm a living, breathing example of the Dunning–Kruger effect.

I know I'm smart. Where the hell is it?