To diagnose or not to diagnose?

Post Reply New Topic

It might just be that my family is odd, but they actually were more willing to accommodate me once I was officially diagnosed. It was like before the diagnosis, they were just playing along with some silly game I was playing, even though it was my mom who first told me she thought I was autistic. As soon as I had the diagnosis (literally, the very next day), it was like something shifted, and they finally saw me as justified in asking for what I'd been asking for all along (acknowledgement of my sensory sensitivities, my need for time alone, forewarning before any major changes in plan, etc.) It was quite an amazing feeling when, while on vacation the day after my diagnosis, I told my family I needed some space and quiet to myself to decompress, and they left our shared hotel room so that I had it to myself for a couple of hours. No criticizing, no accusations that I was "just being silly", or that I needed to stop being "over-dramatic", they just did as I asked, and I felt hugely vindicated.

My primary reason for getting diagnosed, after two years of not knowing for sure, was that the persistent feeling of being "in limbo", half in the autistic community, half out of it, and not knowing where I really belonged, was driving me crazy. It was the only thing I could think about day in and day out, and no amount of research or feedback from friends, family, and forum members, was going to give me the answer I needed for sure. So, if this sounds like you, it's a perfectly legitimate reason to seek a diagnosis.

If however, you're comfortable classifying yourself as "probably bap/aspie", without being 100% certain, and you're not looking to get any kind of support or services, it may be easier not to bother with a diagnosis. As Skibum said, in the US, they can be quite expensive, and in the UK, it's often hard to find someone with the appropriate credentials (i.e, a real understanding of adults with autism) to get a referral to.

Good luck! It's certainly not an easy thing to decide!

THIS^^

Wow, I'm overwhelmed by the response. Still reading through and will respond to everyone as time allows. It means a lot to me.

Muffinhead, thank you. I was already leaning in that direction and I think you've pretty much removed my doubts, because I think both of the reasons for getting the diagnosis are spot on. It may be painful but so is wondering, I think I've gone too far to pretend I didn't get that RAADS-R result.

Skibum, thanks again. I know exactly what you mean about us not being broken but different. I felt that as early as kindergarten, that I was being forced to do things that were literally painful for me and being shamed or humiliated for things that could easily have been fixed with a bit of kindness. Of course, in their defense, they didn't know, Asperger's work hadn't been rediscovered and I was able to squeak by because of my Aspie gifts. It really is a tradeoff, isn't it? In first grade, I was a math whiz, but the teacher humiliated me in front of the other kids because I didn't know how to tie my sneakers. Well, that kind of thing worked, but it left scars that are still raw half a century later. And I guess that pattern continued all my life. I'd be brilliant at work and then fail miserably to understand corporate politics, even end up getting fired because I thought doing and saying what was right was what mattered. I'd succeed where someone recognized my talent and also my quirks, e.g., that I had to be challenged, and protected me from the corporate BS. And from my perspective, all i wanted to do was help and do a good job, and I'd work myself to the bone to do it. Now, looking back, it's obvious that with some basic accommodation I could have avoided the issues. Hell, I could have done it with some basic instruction. I just didn't know how this stuff worked.

PS -- I was already seeing a psychologist and undergoing intensive therapy with another psychologist to try to deal with these issues. And they were both puzzled by why I was so slow to respond to therapy. Now I think I understand the reason. I broached it to the first psychologist this week and she was supportive. I was afraid they'd give up on me as in he's an Aspie but he's never going to change but she assured me that she wouldn't, which helps. She's the only person I've spoken to about this in real life so far. That's one reason I want a real diagnosis, I don't want to tell people I'm close to that I may be an Aspie and then find out that I'm only BAP. Not that they're that different but realistically, people are going to react differently, BAP is just what everybody already knew I was, a quirky geeky mad scientist type who forgets to brush his hair.

You and I are so much alike in everything you just described. Even as a small child, I too remember those moments being humiliated like you went through. And same exact thing in work situations. I can 100% relate to everything you just said. I actually got a little teared up reading that post because I can relate so well.

It's kind of interesting, I think we are close in age as well. But those of us who grew up not knowing and not getting any help have a unique advantage that I believe kids who get over coddled with their Autism don't have today. We have learned to be survivors despite all the humiliation and mistreatment that came from misunderstanding. It makes us very strong and very compassionate. We also were able to develop coping mechanisms that actually work for us and actually help us get through the tough times. I know a lot of kids who are being diagnosed as little ones get taught to cope by non Autistics and it can really backfire later on when those mechanisms end up not working in the long run because they are behaviour based rather than coming from a deep understanding of what is really happening.

And in response to what you just posted in your ps. I think you definitely need to get diagnosed. You need to know. Every post you write shows me that you really need to find out even if it's only for yourself. And if it is BAP, that is ok too because BAP is real and it does really affect you. It is not just quirky NT. The days before my DX testing I was terrified. I remember calling my brother in tears because I was so afraid that they might not find Autism and then what would I do? I would have been devastated because I would have no explanation for my life. But he was hilarious and made me laugh. He said, "Don't worry, whatever they find it will be something because you are definitely not normal!" And actually when I got the results I found out that I was actually much more severely affected by Autism than I ever imagined I was. So you might even find out as I did that you are "more Autistic" (for lack of a better term) than you realized.

We have had a tough road but in a way I am grateful that I did not have the kind of intervention that I read about that kids can have now. But now you can start a new and empowering chapter where you can really begin to understand yourself in a much deeper way and be able to advocate for yourself and others in a way that you could not do before. That is exciting.

It really does help to understand, doesn't it? I mean, every few weeks I panic because someone knocks at the door or recognizes me at the supermarket and I don't recognize them. I know that it's someone I'm supposed to know and I'm mortified because I figure they'll be insulted if I don't remember who they are, but I just don't recognize them and have to try to figure it out from what they say. And even then I panic because I figure this is Sheila from the dentist's office, but what if I call her by name and it's Nicole from the doctor's? And that's even worse.

OK, so one of the tests I took was for face blindness, and sure enough I'm face blind! So that doesn't make the issue go away but at least I know that this isn't some kind of flaw that I can fix, and I have something I can tell people -- you have to forgive me, I'm face blind. And that could even start a conversation, sparing me from the agony of small talk.

I just tell people upfront when I meet them that I suffer from a bit of face blindness so forgive me in advance if I don't know who they are every time I see them. I keep it very light hearted and we usually have a laugh and they totally understand. Now some of them just automatically say, "Hey Skibum, it's me so and so from this or that" and then we just pick up from where we left off. I really appreciate it and they totally understand. You might try that tactic. It will remove the stress from that situation.

I wonder if I can reach out to my friend too, and do some other things I've been struggling with, often for years.

One of the curious things I've noticed in the last few days is that much of my social anxiety is lifting! Things that always caused me a certain amount of anxiety, like buying something at the corner store or greeting the receptionist at the dentist's office, suddenly seem almost easy, as if someone had poured a quart of oil over them. And I'm wondering if that's because I'm not trying to perform as hard and so not becoming anxious and self conscious? And the truth is these interactions are so simple even I mastered the basic rules long ago.

God, I just realized I answered one of the test questions wrong. I said no when I was asked whether I ever imitated what other people said in order to appear normal and now I'm remembering how at my first summer job I'd imitate the kid I was working with, so forex so he'd say "so long" at the end of the day and then I'd imitate him and say exactly the same thing -- which must have seemed really weird, LOL. I just didn't have that intuition that others use to interact and was really scared besides.

So many things like that -- all of this stuff starting to make sense!

I am glad your anxiety is lifting. That is great news! The more you can feel comfortable in your skin and happy with who you are, the more the anxiety will lift. The times when I do best is when I don't give a rat's pyjamas about what other people think of me. Even if I am being like a 5 year old in my speech or actions, if I am comfortable enough not to care what others think, I do great and the tension goes away. It's when I really hide my issues and quirks that I get really overwhelmed. I try to create situations where I can be completely uninhibited every day so that the tension of when I do have to mask does not build up too fast. I make sure to give myself breaks every day so that I can diffuse.

But this is very exciting news Josh! It really is. I also think that talking openly about your issues with people who experience them as well and understand them is a big help. I am so glad you came here and started this thread.

Maybe you can find your friend on facebook. I would try there. It would be amazing if you reconnected and all went well.

I know what you mean about being in limbo. I don't even know how to describe myself. I feel such a connection with what people are saying about their experiences that I start to type things like "we Aspies" and then I catch myself. (But I think it's interesting that I'm starting to feel that way and seeing how others' experiences are so like my own has a lot to do with that.)

I do know I have BAP, it's just so obvious to me (and my psychologist once I sent her a paper on it) that there's no reason for a diagnosis. And I noticed something that shocked me. I was thinking of my three best friends in high school (and still my friends after all these years) and -- One has an Aspie kid. One has an Aspie nephew (he adopted). And the third, in retrospect, shows so many signs of being an Aspie himself! The chances of that happening at random are just miniscule. So the only real question I have now is whether I cross the line into ASD.

I don't know if I'd have the luck you do with allowances but I like to think I'd get some because I get flack every few days from people who are well-disposed towards me. Forex someone might hint that she wants me to do the dishes but I'm totally oblivious to the hint. And then I get yelled at and I'm thinking why didn't she just ask me nicely to do the dishes? Or I'll say "thanks" because I know you're supposed to but it's sort of wooden, I'm thinking "OK, I got a life, I have to say "thanks" now, when is the best time to say it so it sounds natural?" and then when it comes out it sounds sort of robotic when I know someone else would say it with music in their voice because it comes naturally to them.

Man, when I think about stuff like that it just seems more and more that I'm an Aspie. I compensate but it always seems awkward to neurotypicals because what I say lack the timing and music and genuine emotion. And then they think I'm strange and I get hurt because I don't know what I did wrong, I think OK, I know I'm shy and kind of awkward when I first meet someone but why did she say I was weird?

I don't know if my insurance would cover a real diagnosis but considering the effect on my life, I think it would be well worth the money. Not just because I could stop wondering what I am but because I think it would affect the direction of my therapy, if I'm never going to be able to recognize faces say it makes no sense to try to figure out why and try to change it.

LOL, your brother was great!

I'm beginning to think that I will find I'm more autistic than I expected because it's already happening at a random pace as the pieces slide into place. So much of what I struggle with now, so many memories of childhood that have suddenly taken on significance, like my absolute refusal to eat with anything but my Huckleberry Hound spoon! I know it sounds silly, but there's the insistence on routine, the fear of change . . .

That sounds totally great.

Brother is the best. I am so blessed to have him. Other than my husband he is my absolute best friend ever.

Nothing sounds silly about the Huckleberry Hound Spoon. I had forgotten about that character, you just brought back a bunch of great memories. Routines are so important to us because they are what keep us grounded. In a world where we are so overwhelmed by every little thing, and where much of it makes no logical sense, it's our routines that allow us to have a sense of order that we so desperately need. Because most NT's are social thinkers and they are socially behaviorally based, the rules of life among them are constantly changing to meet whatever social whims are necessary for any given situation. This creates a state of constant disorder and confusion for us. And when we add on top of that being constantly beaten down by sensory and emotional overload, as well as all the toll that the mental drain and fatigue takes on us when we are trying to have conversations or when we are trying to deal with adult issues when we are in child mode, it just becomes way too much. So the routines literally give you that bit of control and order in a world that is out of control. That is why they are so important and why we sometimes freak out when they are suddenly changed. It's like we lose anchor in a storm at sea.

And the routines can be very simple like eating with a certain spoon. I have a bedtime routine and it if gets altered too much I can't fall asleep and sometimes I get really upset and cry like a two year old. I have other routines as well but that is one of my big ones.

It is really kind of fun learning about how Autistic we really are. Well I can't speak for everyone but it is fun for me. The more I learn and find out, the more sense my life makes to me and that makes me feel good. I am so glad to get to experience this journey with you. It is really fun to watch you become true to yourself.

In another post you had mentioned stimming and rediscovering your child side and how great that feels. That is so awesome. Keep doing that, it will really help you. Those things are so incredibly important. The stimming, hand flapping, rocking, which is my favorite, staring, vocal stims, I like to listen to a piece of music over and over again for months, or hum a piece of music over and over, and pacing, and there are lists of others, but those are really important because they really do have a neurological affect on our bodies that is regulating and calming. Sometimes people stim because they are understimulated and sometimes we do it because we are over stimulated. So it is a way for the body to regulate itself. That is why it is so important to do it even if people think it's weird. Sometimes I do it just because it feels really good but sometimes it is absolutely necessary for me to do it in order to get through something. It also helps me so that I don't end up having huge meltdowns all the time.

And the child side is also physiological. It's not actually just mental. Research done by Dr. Margaret Bauman, you should look her up, she is amazing, I am just looking at some of her more recent interviews on Youtube, has shown that the brains of Autistic people actually have Limbic systems that are much younger than their chronological ages and those of their same aged NT's brains. This is very important to understand because the Limbic system is responsible for emotional capacity and emotional behavior. So the fact that we are emotionally much younger than our actual ages is because our brains are made that way. I like to tell people that when I am in child mode, when I am predominantly functioning from an emotional standpoint and not an intellectual one, which is more age appropriate and even above my age level, and that comes from the Autistic neo cortex which is overdeveloped, all this happens in the womb in the second trimester, that I am not an adult acting childish who can just snap out of it and stop being immature. My brain is actually functioning at that age level, whether it be like a 5 year old or whatever, during that moment. So in that moment I actually am a child with the processing abilities of a child of that age.

And I also had to understand how important it is for me to set time aside as well as situations to give my brain times to be in that child mode. I had spent decades hiding my child mode and only letting it out when I was alone. I had never told anyone about it. I had been reprimanded enough about acting immature so I learned to hide it. But as I got older and had more adult responsibilities I had fewer and fewer opportunities to be the child. What happened then is that I tried to suppress it. Well that ended up being a total and complete disaster. I became so unbalanced and so dysfunctional that I would have probably become insane if I had tried to keep it up. So I went back to having my child moments in secret.

Then when I found out that I was Autistic and I learned that my brain is actually made to have a very strong and active young child side, I realized that I was not acting immature at all. And it made total sense to me why I could only really get close to people who were much older than I was, parent, or protective type figures, or much younger than I was, because they, in fact, were my emotional peers, not the people in my own age group. All of this started to make perfect sense once I realized that it is actually a physiological phenomenon with Autism. I was not acting immature for my age, I was acting in a perfectly appropriate manner for the age that my brain was functioning at during that moment. And now that I understand this concept, I allow my brain to fall into whatever age it needs to in order to process whatever situation it finds itself in. And if people don't like it, then that's just too bad. No one would ever tell a mentally ret*d person to grow up and be mature. So when I am dealing with emotionally based things and my brain is in child mode, I should not have to be told that either. My brain can only deal with what it deals with at the age capacity that it is at. And I am fine with it.

One of the problems is that from what I have been told, NT's don't have this huge difference in their emotional and intellectual and mental ages. All three, for them, as far as I know, so I might not be 100% correct in this, linger very close in age. So emotionally and mentally they will be very close to their intellectual ages. That is not to say that some are not immature, and that mostly comes from upbringing or sometimes it is manipulative. But generally, they will be about the same age level for all three categories. So it is almost impossible for people to see someone acting very adult age appropriate and intellectual in one instance and then a few hours or even minutes later literally speaking, processing, and understanding like a toddler. Even my voice and vocal patterns change in child mode. So it can kind of freak them out if they don't understand it.

Now there may be therapies and all that to help Autistic kids raise their emotional capacities but I was not privy to any intervention and at this point in my life, I love my child side and am not willing to give it up for anything. It is one of the purest, most special and most endearing things about me. So the people who find it freaky and uncomfortable, and some do, they don't have to be my friends.

But it is such a huge part of who I am because it is so strong in me. I have to give that part of me time to exist and have moments daily. If I don't it's as if I tried to live my life with one arm and one leg tied in a useless position and to go about just hopping around one sided without a crutch. That would be very difficult. So I say enjoy the little boy and don't ever let anyone make you hide that. And of course there are times and places where we have to control that like in a work meeting or something but as long as you give "him" some time to exist regularly you will find yourself much more balanced.

I have toys and coloring books that I play with and when I go to the park or when I ski I am often in child mode. And it really helps me to be able to be uninhibited in child mode with another person. It gives that child side the ability to have a friend and to feel love and support. It is so awesome if you can find someone who can be that for you. My awesome big brother provides that relationship for me.

It is tough being married because the child side and adult side can't be fully dominant at the same time. And in my marriage, I am 95% as much as adult side as possible. It's not a conscious decision whether the child side or adult side is dominant, whichever side comes out is whichever side is most appropriate for the situation I happen to be in or for the people I happen to be with. So as you can imagine, the child side does not have a ton of situations to come out in. So with my husband I tend to be the more adult side, even though in many situations that might only be the capacity of a 14 to 16 year old. But my brother is great because I have no responsibilities towards him at all and he loves hanging out with the youngest parts of me which can be as young as about 5. He loves how I see and understand life when I am like that because it is so simple and pure. So he hangs out with me and gives me that ability to have that child part have a relationship where she can be completely uninhibited. Some of our favorite things to do are to ski together and bike the rail trail together and to take nature hikes in the parks and look for woodpeckers.

But definitely explore different ways to stim and see what you like and allow yourself to really get to know the youngest parts of you so that you can know how to meet those needs as well. It is fun when you can just be yourself. I was watching a youtube video about an Autistic girl's school in England and at the end of the video one of the little girls said something so wonderful it actually made me cry. She said, "The most beautiful thing an Autistic girl can wear is herself." And that includes every part of herself and every age at which she functions. And that goes for Autistic boys too.

Brother is the best. I am so blessed to have him. Other than my husband he is my absolute best friend ever.

Nothing sounds silly about the Huckleberry Hound Spoon. I had forgotten about that character, you just brought back a bunch of great memories. Routines are so important to us because they are what keep us grounded. In a world where we are so overwhelmed by every little thing, and where much of it makes no logical sense, it's our routines that allow us to have a sense of order that we so desperately need. Because most NT's are social thinkers and they are socially behaviorally based, the rules of life among them are constantly changing to meet whatever social whims are necessary for any given situation. This creates a state of constant disorder and confusion for us. And when we add on top of that being constantly beaten down by sensory and emotional overload, as well as all the toll that the mental drain and fatigue takes on us when we are trying to have conversations or when we are trying to deal with adult issues when we are in child mode, it just becomes way too much. So the routines literally give you that bit of control and order in a world that is out of control. That is why they are so important and why we sometimes freak out when they are suddenly changed. It's like we lose anchor in a storm at sea.

And the routines can be very simple like eating with a certain spoon. I have a bedtime routine and it if gets altered too much I can't fall asleep and sometimes I get really upset and cry like a two year old. I have other routines as well but that is one of my big ones.

It is really kind of fun learning about how Autistic we really are. Well I can't speak for everyone but it is fun for me. The more I learn and find out, the more sense my life makes to me and that makes me feel good. I am so glad to get to experience this journey with you. It is really fun to watch you become true to yourself.

In another post you had mentioned stimming and rediscovering your child side and how great that feels. That is so awesome. Keep doing that, it will really help you. Those things are so incredibly important. The stimming, hand flapping, rocking, which is my favorite, staring, vocal stims, I like to listen to a piece of music over and over again for months, or hum a piece of music over and over, and pacing, and there are lists of others, but those are really important because they really do have a neurological affect on our bodies that is regulating and calming. Sometimes people stim because they are understimulated and sometimes we do it because we are over stimulated. So it is a way for the body to regulate itself. That is why it is so important to do it even if people think it's weird. Sometimes I do it just because it feels really good but sometimes it is absolutely necessary for me to do it in order to get through something. It also helps me so that I don't end up having huge meltdowns all the time.

And the child side is also physiological. It's not actually just mental. Research done by Dr. Margaret Bauman, you should look her up, she is amazing, I am just looking at some of her more recent interviews on Youtube, has shown that the brains of Autistic people actually have Limbic systems that are much younger than their chronological ages and those of their same aged NT's brains. This is very important to understand because the Limbic system is responsible for emotional capacity and emotional behavior. So the fact that we are emotionally much younger than our actual ages is because our brains are made that way. I like to tell people that when I am in child mode, when I am predominantly functioning from an emotional standpoint and not an intellectual one, which is more age appropriate and even above my age level, and that comes from the Autistic neo cortex which is overdeveloped, all this happens in the womb in the second trimester, that I am not an adult acting childish who can just snap out of it and stop being immature. My brain is actually functioning at that age level, whether it be like a 5 year old or whatever, during that moment. So in that moment I actually am a child with the processing abilities of a child of that age.

And I also had to understand how important it is for me to set time aside as well as situations to give my brain times to be in that child mode. I had spent decades hiding my child mode and only letting it out when I was alone. I had never told anyone about it. I had been reprimanded enough about acting immature so I learned to hide it. But as I got older and had more adult responsibilities I had fewer and fewer opportunities to be the child. What happened then is that I tried to suppress it. Well that ended up being a total and complete disaster. I became so unbalanced and so dysfunctional that I would have probably become insane if I had tried to keep it up. So I went back to having my child moments in secret.

Then when I found out that I was Autistic and I learned that my brain is actually made to have a very strong and active young child side, I realized that I was not acting immature at all. And it made total sense to me why I could only really get close to people who were much older than I was, parent, or protective type figures, or much younger than I was, because they, in fact, were my emotional peers, not the people in my own age group. All of this started to make perfect sense once I realized that it is actually a physiological phenomenon with Autism. I was not acting immature for my age, I was acting in a perfectly appropriate manner for the age that my brain was functioning at during that moment. And now that I understand this concept, I allow my brain to fall into whatever age it needs to in order to process whatever situation it finds itself in. And if people don't like it, then that's just too bad. No one would ever tell a mentally ret*d person to grow up and be mature. So when I am dealing with emotionally based things and my brain is in child mode, I should not have to be told that either. My brain can only deal with what it deals with at the age capacity that it is at. And I am fine with it.

One of the problems is that from what I have been told, NT's don't have this huge difference in their emotional and intellectual and mental ages. All three, for them, as far as I know, so I might not be 100% correct in this, linger very close in age. So emotionally and mentally they will be very close to their intellectual ages. That is not to say that some are not immature, and that mostly comes from upbringing or sometimes it is manipulative. But generally, they will be about the same age level for all three categories. So it is almost impossible for people to see someone acting very adult age appropriate and intellectual in one instance and then a few hours or even minutes later literally speaking, processing, and understanding like a toddler. Even my voice and vocal patterns change in child mode. So it can kind of freak them out if they don't understand it.

Now there may be therapies and all that to help Autistic kids raise their emotional capacities but I was not privy to any intervention and at this point in my life, I love my child side and am not willing to give it up for anything. It is one of the purest, most special and most endearing things about me. So the people who find it freaky and uncomfortable, and some do, they don't have to be my friends.

But it is such a huge part of who I am because it is so strong in me. I have to give that part of me time to exist and have moments daily. If I don't it's as if I tried to live my life with one arm and one leg tied in a useless position and to go about just hopping around one sided without a crutch. That would be very difficult. So I say enjoy the little boy and don't ever let anyone make you hide that. And of course there are times and places where we have to control that like in a work meeting or something but as long as you give "him" some time to exist regularly you will find yourself much more balanced.

I have toys and coloring books that I play with and when I go to the park or when I ski I am often in child mode. And it really helps me to be able to be uninhibited in child mode with another person. It gives that child side the ability to have a friend and to feel love and support. It is so awesome if you can find someone who can be that for you. My awesome big brother provides that relationship for me.

It is tough being married because the child side and adult side can't be fully dominant at the same time. And in my marriage, I am 95% as much as adult side as possible. It's not a conscious decision whether the child side or adult side is dominant, whichever side comes out is whichever side is most appropriate for the situation I happen to be in or for the people I happen to be with. So as you can imagine, the child side does not have a ton of situations to come out in. So with my husband I tend to be the more adult side, even though in many situations that might only be the capacity of a 14 to 16 year old. But my brother is great because I have no responsibilities towards him at all and he loves hanging out with the youngest parts of me which can be as young as about 5. He loves how I see and understand life when I am like that because it is so simple and pure. So he hangs out with me and gives me that ability to have that child part have a relationship where she can be completely uninhibited. Some of our favorite things to do are to ski together and bike the rail trail together and to take nature hikes in the parks and look for woodpeckers.

But definitely explore different ways to stim and see what you like and allow yourself to really get to know the youngest parts of you so that you can know how to meet those needs as well. It is fun when you can just be yourself. I was watching a youtube video about an Autistic girl's school in England and at the end of the video one of the little girls said something so wonderful it actually made me cry. She said, "The most beautiful thing an Autistic girl can wear is herself." And that includes every part of herself and every age at which she functions. And that goes for Autistic boys too. [/quote]
I'm glad you saw that post before I got embarrassed this morning and deleted it. Not only is this something I've done in private, it's something I'd suppressed entirely merely because I figured only kids were supposed to do it (I had no idea it had anything to do with autism). So I'd pace, tap my feet, maybe rock back and forth a bit in my chair -- all things that were within the range of what a fidgety neurotypical would do (I was watching people in the waiting room at the allergist's office the other day and saw a few people engaging in stimming behavior, including rocking left to right.) But the unfettered "dancing" of my childhood is gone (and how different the significance of that seems now in retrospect -- they knew so little then).

The truth is, I've always felt like I was a boy inside, emotionally, but attributed that to other things, e.g., never having had a family (which I assumed would have the maturing effect to which you allude). A psychologist I saw a few months back described me as a boy man and I've had less flattering descriptions, e.g., the guy at work who called me a puppy (behind my back -- I heard that from a co-worker). There's also an innocence to me, a lack of malice, aggression, and guile. Interestingly, a couple of psychologists have been able to draw a more stereotypically male, aggressive, secure part out, so it seems to be there in me but untapped.

I've noticed that about other things as well. It seems that I have neurotypical emotional responses in me but that they're somehow trapped and suppressed. I don't know if you've had the same experience. And I've been doing intensive therapeutic work to bring them out with partial success. The therapists can't understand why it goes so slowly with me -- they say it would have happened in any one else much more quickly. And now I think I'm beginning to understand why. The part of me that does that is just very backwards. It's like teaching a ret*d child to do a task. And at the same time, it's very damaged and scared by all the pain and shame I suffered as a child. And I know that that can be an issue for anybody.

The other thing which has happened in therapy is that it's really, really easy to revert me to an early state. I first discovered this when a therapist asked me what the little boy would say, and I suddenly couldn't talk. I'd become mute again and I couldn't talk at all. They've since put me in that state several times. I'm still conscious, I can think and even communicate with hand signals (which I did as a child), and the mutism can be selective. But I just can't talk.

It's also really easy to make me catatonic, all the therapist has to do is pressure me forex to do something that I can't do and I melt down completely and not only can I not speak but I can't move or even speak. And I realize that over the years I worked desperately to discover strategies to avoid being put in that state, without knowing what it was. And then that manifested itself as avoidant or stubborn behavior.

By the way, it's major symptoms like this, both in childhood and adulthood, that make me think I'll likely be diagnosed as ASD rather than than BAP. The picture I'm getting is as you suggest of someone who is discovering that he's a lot more autistic than he thought, of someone who became proficient over the years, without knowing what he was doing, of avoiding triggers and feigning normalcy. Just this morning, someone said something to me and I realized that when I replied to her, I was consciously pitching my voice higher to feign interest. And it was conscious but automatic, because I've been doing this for so many years. And so many of my social interactions seem to be out of that playbook.

At the same time, my Aspie Quiz results seem to show a higher level of neurotypical perception and cognition. Forex, I have less trouble with perceptual overload than others here seem to. I have to wear the softest clothes possible but I can tolerate a certain amount of noise, lights, etc. without melting down (though at a certain point I become faint or detach as if I were stoned). But I'm thinking that some of that may be recovery. Because I can remember struggling more with that as a child. If I was watching a TV program forex and other family members started to talk I'd freak out because they were interfering with my concentration.

I'm also thinking that a lot of my social difficult has to do with the uncertain situations you mention. I'm panicked by uncertain situations in general. Right now, I have to make a hotel reservation but I've been putting it off for a week because I'm afraid I'm too late and all the rooms will be gone! And needless to say, I know that the longer I wait, the more likely it is that the rooms *will* be gone, but I'm still scared to find out. And social situations -- I'm comfortable if they a) don't go against my nature and b) are completely safe. Which means unfortunately that I'm usually a recluse.

Finally, it seems to me that I react too negatively emotionally to adverse circumstances. Maybe too positively to good ones, as well. So a really minor slight can cause me a lot of pain and then naturally it becomes traumatic and I avoid the situation. And I've been practicing mindfulness which has given me better control over my emotions but I still have a lot of work to do.