Frustrated & Considering Official Diagnoses - Need Advice

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I never thought of the assessment being in-depth enough to include brain scans and the like but it does make sense. During undergrad I noticed all of the research studies they sent out applications for almost always requested males (though they were for an array of subjects)... I wonder why. And I suppose you're right too about NT's not relating to a lot of it. It's hard to realize that though as I always assumed those behaviors were normal. I found a pdf someone on here shared about the DSM-V and I went down it checking off almost everything. I suppose the point is that a NT wouldn't relate to all of that...

Hahaha, thanks for that. That made me laugh.

Speaking of talking to oneself... I supposed vocally trying to justify every action listed on the DSM when you're the only one in the room might not be considered typical, huh?

Haha Glad I could make you laugh!

Maybe not- but that doesn't make it bad ^^
I do LOTS of things that are strange, but oh well that's how I do.

Although, I'm pretty sure the next person that tells me "oh, you're too high functioning to be autistic" I'm gonna punch in the face... but oh wait that might get me diagnosed with "anger issues" of some sort or maybe BPD because I'm a female so maybe not.

So, when I was looking at the autism symptoms I would see certain things and say: "Oh, I make eye contact- guess that COMPLETELY disqualifies me for being autistic! lol alrighty then. yep not autistic."
I took it all a wee bit too literally.
And then I looked at everything every other autistic person did that I DIDN'T do and was like- ok well autism bam gone! I can talk- must not be autistic, oh I make too much eye contact Must not be autistic, oh I have some friends (never mind I SUCK at relationship "maintenance" as they call it), oh I leave the house occasionally- must not be autistic, I have emotions- must not be autistic, oh I have empathy (too much some times)- must not be autistic, after deliberately learning over 20+ years to read faces I can read them most of the time- must not be autistic since you know all autistic people can never learn anything ever EVER & perpetually stay exactly the same as they were when they were 5 and never learn coping skills ever because nope
Such things- I would call "idiotic stereotypes of what it means to be on the spectrum and one of many many many diverse and interesting people on it".

I thought it might be polite of me to post an update after all of the advice I received.

So a lot's been going on. I've been doing a lot of personal research and private messaging, particularly I've read Temple Grandin's Thinking in Pictures, watching some very eye-opening TED talks, and just in general trying to educate myself further. I opened up to my best friend who now knows everything and has been extremely supportive, also agreeing that, as far as we can tell, the traits all fit.

My stress got a bit out of hand from being so fixated on trying to work out what's going on in my head coupled with some general life anxieties -- nothing too bad; it all just built up and the pressure was a bit too much. It hit a high-point and I immediately called my university's counselling services before talking myself out of it again. It's been interesting, at the very least.

My first appointment was a general meeting with a councilor to discuss what's going on. She was so kind and vibrant that even though I was rubbing my hands raw to calm myself down, she was easy to talk to. She then set up an appointment for me with one of their social workers. I had to pay a small fee but they accommodated me so I could pay in cash so there would be no credit card record. The second woman was very nice. Turns out she studied at the same university where I spent my undergrad which made me like her more! Not as warm as the first but I was feeling very mechanical at the appointments anyway so it didn't matter much. I'm starting to warm up to her now.

I knew lying wouldn't help anyone and I didn't want to be there anyway so the best approach I could come up with was to focus on the questions and answer them without thinking about it too much. Both of them "kept the ball in my court" so to speak and clarified exactly the extent of confidentiality I had, which took away a lot of my anxiety. It felt so surreal that I kept wondering if I would just wake up to find out none of it was happening.

The first appointment with the second woman was lots and lots of questions about my background. We had talked so much that I had all these preconceived concerns about what we would discuss at the second appointment. I had my second appointment today and she started off by clarifying the major areas of my concern. I was honestly surprised that she hadn't worried too much about some of the other things we talked about, which I appreciated. We had spoken a bit about my "spectrum" concerns before but she really dived into it today. The thing I really wanted to share here is that I had told her my concerns about testing, diagnoses, and price, which she had acknowledged last time. She had said those tests would be expensive but the services she could offer were much cheaper than the other services offered by my university that I had found myself...

But here's the kicker... today she asked me some questions about how I thought having an answer could help me, what kind of answer I was expecting, and if I could get an answer as immediate as a blood test with no other issues such as price in the way if I would go through with getting tested. I had to think about it but that yes, I want answers and it would be a missed opportunity to say no. After we talked about it in depth she told me that instead of actual tests she can offer me an assessment. I don't believe it's considered an official diagnoses but she is permitted to administer a number of assessments and then convene with her supervisor to determine the results (If I understand correctly she is a practicing doctorate student. She has a supervisor and I did sign her permission to record our sessions so her supervisor can monitor and provide her with feedback... it's kind of mysterious as she has been careful to not mention even her supervisor's gender which I find very interesting). I would have the results of the assessment after several weeks. She asked if I wanted to schedule it... I told her I didn't know but that I had no good reason to say "no," so I said "yes."

So there it is... I will be administered these assessments next week in an extended session. She was worried I thought the session would take too long and be too overwhelming but honestly it sounds rather short for compiling all the data on my behavior, responses, learning style, etc. They will not be medical but behavioral and cognitive. If we do not finish in time she assured me we would schedule another appointment to finish them.

We talked about what the various results could mean for me and let's just say I'm highly conflicted and still have a lot to work through, but right now I'm both nervous and excited. I don't know what will happen or even what I want the results to show... but at least I'll have something.

Sorry for the double update. Apparently I jinxed something by posting a response about my progress. When I got home from work I had a voice mail from the clinician I'm seeing... everything's been put on hold.

She says after speaking with her supervisor, they feel it would be more beneficial for me to get a full assessment. I returned her call and she said that specifically with Autism assessments, their office can only administer some of the tests so they would like to try and set me up at an actual assessment program. There are 2 options she recommended through the university and she said they often assist of-age students in withholding reasons on their family insurance. She said if we can't set something up then we can still reschedule the initial assessment, but I could tell she seemed very apprehensive about it.

I didn't know how to ask, "what happened?" I know she and her adviser feel it would be better and would provide me with more information, but I don't really understand what was wrong... I assume they figured their tests wouldn't be conclusive enough, but I don't understand what they think is going on -- what results did they think I would get? Why wouldn't those results be sufficient?

I'm feel... heavy. And frustrated. I know I have control issues and am probably just upset that I didn't expect this or "give it permission" to happen, but it did. So there's that update. Sorry for sending the first one but I can't say I foresaw this happening.

maybe they did not think they are expert enough to assess you and cant diagnose officially, so it is better for you to get full assessment for ofgicial diagnosis which could help you get support in school but with unofficial you cant get support so it is less useful