My therapist gave me dangerous advice about dating. Why?

Post Reply New Topic

Blimey. But there we are, then. Actively offputting is certainly a lot harder to come back from than 'lack of (immediate) attraction'.

And I can only reiterate that, assuming she knew of your AS (but really, even if not), she should have been more careful in explaining/illustrating the nuances and subtleties of all this.

Well some girls might decide whether they like a guy in 5 minutes but of the guys I've liked I've liked them because of their personality so I didn't get a crush on them till we'd been friends for several months sometimes a year though

I think this is true of people in general, but more often leads to dangerous situations for women. Consider thinking about the reverse example. A woman can say YES at one point in time and change her mind later and say NO and this must always be respected (same with guys, but culturally is more prevalent for guys to be instigating or to be the source of pressure).

A more practical example, you can be making out with someone, things are getting heated, both parties are into it. But at a certain point one member of the party says they want to stop. Immediately stop. They could have said yes at the beginning, they could have been completely enthusiastic up until that point, doesn't matter. When they change their mind and want to stop? You stop.

When it's not black and white? Maybe there was no verbal saying of no or stop. That's when you need to read cues. We are bad at cues, in these instances communication is key. Always gotta check in with the other person. Doesn't matter what the activity is. A simple, hey you want to keep going? Are you still having a good time? etc. works.

I got a counterexample for you. Let's say I meet a girl in a high school class. She seems nice and friendly, so I ask her out. Given how hideous I looked, she says no. "Normal" guys here would shrug it off, and continue to be civil, or even form a friendship.

But me, taking my therapist's advice, I talk to this girl for another week or two, then ask her again, thinking it's "another time" and the girl knows me a little better now. She says no again. I wait for "another time" the following week, and ask her out again. Next thing I know, I find myself in the principle's office, getting suspended for sexual harassment.

My therapist could have really put me in harm's way by telling me that "a girl could say no one time, but say yes another time". I'm glad I was shrewd enough to know that this was crap. It's a shame the Red Pill didn't exist when I was in high school. (Although truth be told, it's not optimized for high school kids, and even goes as far as telling them to ignore dating entirely in favor of studying and healthy lifestyle.)

I'm not privy to the exact conversation you had with your therapist. Was that advice given in response to that exact example you outlined? The advice pointed to a possibility of people changing their minds, it didn't point to it as an inevitability. That's when I think taken to the extreme and misunderstood (people will change their minds, persistence can cause that change) someone will fall into trouble. It's also possible for people to win the lottery, but that doesn't mean you spend your entire budget on tickets.

Regardless, I think your issue is with your therapist and it would help to clarify matters with her. They should be there to further clarify and offer help to their patients, not to be another challenge or point of distress in your life. I'm just offering an alternative take on the advice given, but it's by no means a replacement for her own explanations.

I'm not a fan of the culture surrounding the red pill and how people have both used or twisted those doctrines to suit unhealthy behaviour, that's all I'm going to say about that.

Hopefully I can clear this up for you pretty quickly. When she said a woman's answer might vary over time she was trying to tell you that attraction isn't absolute, a woman's decision about if she wants to date you is based on many factors that change with hormones, time of the month, all sorts.

What she wasn't telling you was to ask a girl out multiple times if you get a "no" at first. You misunderstood her advice.