Advice from Adult Autistics Please!

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What would be great is if you take your boy to the store, and have him buy things.

That'll teach him about the value of money.

My parents used to do that with me.

I remember when I learned how to cross the street by myself when I was six.

I concur. I have a dx of OCD, and my compulsions, some of which are identical to Jute's rituals (and most of which, diminished in early adulthood) factored into my dx. My compulsions can manifest through stressful circumstances, sensory over-stimulation, etc.

Welcome! It appears that you already understand many of his behaviors and characteristics. Good. Does he have any special interests yet? If (or when) he does, do all you can to feed his interests. Dinosaurs (for example)? Buy some age-appropriate books and maybe a video about dinosaurs with both factual and funny descriptions. After a few weeks, dad can arrive home with a "discovery" of a nearby natural-history museum where your son can see some real dinosaurs. But, be prepared for special interests to vanish quickly after your son satisfies his interest, or stick around for the rest of his life. So, proper pacing is important.

Secondly, watch quietly for signs of distress in your son which might suggest bullying, teasing or simply having no friends. In fact, I would ask casually about once a week how your son's friends are doing. Invite them to a pizza party or other get-together event. Autistic kids can quickly slide into isolation without understanding why or how to repair friendships, or add a new friend to the mix.

Apologies, I posted the first it seems on an "incorrect board" hence re posted here. First time posting, will be more careful from now on.

[quote="kraftiekortie"]As I recall, I really wasn't too aware of the world around me until around the time I started speaking. I have snippets of memories of before that time. I did know my numbers and letters, and was able to read some words by the age of 4. And I was toilet-trained at age 2 1/2. At age 5 1/2, I picked up Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham," and started reading it. I didn't like it because I didn't like either eggs or ham. I don't remember a time when I didn't know how to read.


Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I have heard similar stories on just knowing how to read from other people on the spectrum too. LM has known his letters and numbers since he was 18 months. At the time we had very little knowledge of kids development and thought that was pretty typical though of course we have since learned that it is not! Lm has a remarkable memory especially visually so we are working on sight words rather then trying to learn to read phonetically which is a challenging area for him. I think so much will open up to him once he can read!

What do you wish your parents or people around you had done differently when you were a little boy?

No need to apologize. Even long-time Wrong Planetians (like me!) make mistakes here.

Yeah coping mechanism. Even now starting school is stressful for me. School itself is okay. But it is still difficult dealing with the transition. As long as he is not doing anything that is self harming or destructive, then you probably should not worry about it. When he is doing it, maybe ask him if he is feeling okay if he responds to that kind of question. Usually my parents went for yes or no questions, since I was not able to give a regular answer.

It's funny: I was reading quite well in first grade--I was reading what are now known as "chapter books"--but I would always get a zero in phonics!

To be honest, I wish my parents were, in general, friendlier to me, and not so harsh--especially my mother.

Phoenix,
Thank you so much for your insight and please, jump in any time!

I do think LM is very intelligent and I know that he gets very stressed out in situations where he someone expects from him things that he can not deliver, because he KNOWS the expectation is there and he wants to get it right! I don't know if I am making any sense but for e.g, his grandmother will often ask him a barrage of questions and he gets very overwhelmed and does not have the speech to communicate so in addition to being frustrated, I can tell that he is upset that he is letting his grand mother down. He forms amazing, loving bonds with people who just want to be with him and who do not put pressure on him to talk.

I love what you said about interests, we try very hard but part of the challenge is LM's sensory system can get very easily overloaded so for e.g just last week we took him to the zoo but he did not look at anything there, rather was just wound up, scripting and bolting ( he's very young and this is a really scary thing for me in crowded, pubic areas).
Whenever we have tried to introduce him to a new activity- for e.g. we tried legos, puzzles, movies, cooking, music, soccer, swimming- he does not seem to be able to focus and will usually just lie down and ignore us or get really upset and make it clear he wants the activity to end. Currently we are trying music and adaptive swim as he seems to like being in the water.
I will be honest and say it has been hard on us because we just want to connect with him and for him to find something, anything at all that he likes to do but so far we have failed. We try as much as possible to expose him to all the things other kids his age would be- although as I said, keeping his sensory sensitivities in mind, we often can't go to places that are crowded.

Thanks for sharing, every bit of it helps us be better
MZ

Hi Ezra,
Thanks so much for the reply. Would you also agree that there is no purpose served by interrupting the rituals or drawing his attention to them in any way? I ask because I am not with his at school and I know sometimes they can get all hung up on "correcting behaviors" in a school setting and I want to be clear with them that there is nothing to be gained by doing that if it is something that is helping him regulate.

Hi and thanks so much for the post.

LM has had a few special interests for sure! For a while he was into fans and couldn't go past a store with one in the window without stopping for a long time. We took him to vintage markets and helped him take pictures of the fans then we put together a book- he loved that for a while! Kid learned all the different types of fans! His most recent special interest was the solar system and he memorized a song about them and could name them and place them in order etc. But you are so right, those interests do seem to have waned though he still likes space shuttles and airplanes. To be honest its the times between a special interest that worry me, because then I am at a loss on how to connect with him

Regarding your second point, I wouldn't say LM has any friends. While he is generally liked by others, his lack of verbal language and understanding of social rules means that he generally isn't interacting with other kids. I don't know to what extent he is aware of this or feels sad about it- it is something he is working on, school is big on increasing that interaction and he is in a small social skills group once a week. I do know that it is HARD work for him to be around other kids. If we have kids over to the house, he will pace and script ( which means either he is anxious or excited or both) but not really interact with them except maybe physically ( like simple chase or mock wrestling)

Sometimes I feel like he's exhausted just from holding it together at school. Many days I just want to grab him and run off to some island where he can just be and not have to feel like he's holding his breath all the time.

Thanks so much Ezra,

It's interesting you talk about transitions because those seem to be absolute hell for LM. So for e.g, he likes riding the bus to school and he likes school but the transition from bus to school is still hard.
He can respond to yes/no questions so I can certainly ask that and see what he says. His tendency is to say yes to the "are you ok" question usually.
What, if anything, helps you with transitions? We already do visuals and make sure he knows what is coming next.
Can you help me understand what it is about transitions that sucks for you? Maybe it is the same for LM

Yes. Do something like that with him as often as you can. Because I was bored to tears with my high-school curriculum, and having spent more than a decade being intimidated, humiliated and shunned, I dropped out of high school in the hopes of completing the GED test and enroll in college. What a risk that was (I did get into college). But, the best part was the exhilaration I felt when I walked out of that prison-school for the last time.

Don't wait too long between the times you give your son some time to blow off some steam and relax ... away from school if possible. Then again, he might surprise everyone and, in a few years from now, enjoy his studies if not his classmates.

People with Autism often have a proclivity for music which manifests, in one way, as an enjoyment if it. Music is a great opportunity to connect. Just turning music on creates the potential for a shared experience by the people hearing it. The rhythm of music organizes the body's movement when the listener moves to the beat. Two people moving to the beat of the same music creates yet another opportunity to connect. I would recommend finding music that he really enjoys, particularly music with a strong beat, and playing it for him. If or when he moves to the music in enjoyment, move to it yourself. Dance to the music yourself and try dancing with him at a level of interaction that's comfortable to him. Dancing together can bring you closer.

Thanks again everyone,
Would anyone have any insight into what looks like hysterical, uncomfortable, laughter? I have noticed at times, especially towards the end of the day Lm has these laughing fits where honestly, he looks like its an involantary response that he isn't really enjoying. It isn't in response to anything funny and it's not his usual, happy laugh. I think of it as an "energy vomit" where his body is just throwing out nervous energy though in actual fact he's exhausted?

Hi FanBoy11 / MZ,

Thanks for explaining.

Definitely, we're all different in terms of development. What worked for me or was true for me won't apply to others For example, I had two sisters and a brother. My brother and one of my sisters (both very much NT, that is, not autistic) didn't see the point of school, one hated reading and the other dropped out of college ... but they had awesome people skills, and turned out quite successfully. Me, I earned a post-graduate degree ... and will never achieve some of the things my school-hating siblings have as far as normal, middle-class American life with all the trimmings. But my life is an adventure, and I've done things they never will (as an artist, for example). C'est la vie.

So as far as your son LM, it sounds like it might be better to slow down the pace a bit to a more relaxed one. One where the environment is not overwhelming his senses, and is free of pressure. Anyways, I've heard that just in general, boys can sometimes take longer than girls when it comes to things like reading and writing ... and I would imagine talking could fall into that category as well. He's only what, 5 and a half years old? Then despite what our rush-rush competitive society says, best to let him enjoy being a kid. If he's happy with crayons and a coloring book, for example, that's just fine. Or even if he just has a favorite toy. (Or blue security blanket like Linus ...)

So exposing LM to all kinds of interesting activities and experiences can wait. You can maybe try just one or two activities with a larger period of rest and relaxation in between to give him a break ... I wouldn't stop completely, because you never know what he'll connect with, really like, show an aptitude for. He'll grow into his interests when he's ready. And avoiding crowded, noisy places sounds like a very good idea in your case. And btw ... you haven't failed. Nor has he. It just isn't the right time yet.

The good news, as you say, is "He forms amazing, loving bonds with people who just want to be with him and who do not put pressure on him to talk."

So he's already about a million steps ahead of people who don't have a supportive, loving family.