You Don't Act Like You Have It

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I get told that all the time. I know the people telling me mean it as something nice, but I feel frustrated when I get told that, because my opportunity to educate those people has dissipated.

I'm another person who got a lot of responses like, 'Oh that explains a lot about you.' Mostly the responses I have gotten from people have been decent, respectful or neutral.

I have, however, run into a few notable exceptions... most notably my ex who told our kids that I was lying about autism to get govt. money and that I clearly had no autism since I was not ret*d. I explained why his was wrong on so many levels to the kids and ignored him. He has told me on more than one occasion "don't bring logic into this conversation". What can you say to a person like that? Seriously, he has issues. I have also had family members who do not 'believe in psychiatry' tell me I am fine and just need to stop thinking about myself. What can you say to people who don't 'believe in psychiatry'? I said nothing and left it alone. I guess that's how I deal with people who tell me I'm not spectrumy... I do not deal with them. *shrugs*

This happened to me. I believed her.

I could not think of any reason why should would be lying about such a thing.

I did not really understand why she was telling me such a personal thing. I did not know what to say, so I told her that and asked if there was any particular thing that she wanted me to do.

She had an odd look that I did not understand and then she seemed a little sad and said, no, there was nothing she wanted me to do with this information.

Later, when I was learning about ASD because of my kids, I suddenly realized that she had been trying to tell me she thought I had it, too. I had to call her to find out if that suspicion was correct and she said yes.

Truly, this was mind blowing to me. I had not suspected it in her, didn't know anything about it and didn't suspect it in myself either. I had no reason to believe or not believe--it just wasn't something I knew about or thought about.

I came to understand why she suspected it in me. As the doc said, it's quite obvious. But in my ignorance I had been oblivious to this.

I think most people are just as ignorant and basically have no rational basis for thinking they are in a position to judge whether others have it or not. It would make as much sense for them to say they can diagnose Rosenstein Syndrome in others (no one can be ruled out, I just made it up!)

I would extend this thought slightly and say most people know next to nothing about neurobiology and are as qualified to hold opinions about it as they are to diagnose systems problems in an F-35 fighter. It is truly bizarre that they think they can and should pass judgement about such issues.

I wonder if this isn't because they love judging so much and perceive neurological issues as potentially excusing behaviors that would otherwise be seen as "character defects" of the kind people seem to enjoy judging and criticizing in others?

I have seen the argument advanced several times here that for some people claiming the diagnosis is about making excuses, and that seems to fit this conjecture.

I would have believed them. If I had a hard time grasping it I would have done research on the topic until I got it.

Unfortunately you're most likely in the minority. Seems like the attitude of most is if someone looks normal and healthy, any claims to the contrary is just that person's imagination.

But I like to try reasoning out why or how some people think about certain things.

i don't "act" anything at all.

if all the world is a stage, then i am not on it.
but shakespeare meant all the world of social interaction is a stage, and where there is no social interaction there is no stage and limelight that one must be expected to perform in.

I have had this a few times. To me, it depends how it's worded.

A friend works with autistic adults and her response was "Wow, really? I would never have guessed. You must be very high functioning!".

I knew that she was being genuine, so I replied with "Yeah, Level 1" and left it at that.

I have had other people take the approach of "I don't think you do. Everyone does that...". Again, this is still said in an attempt to be nice, but it does seem to say "I think you're lying/overexaggerating/being dramatic", and so that's harder to deal with and I end the conversation there.

Fact is, if I'm telling someone it means that they're important enough for me to want to know. I consider myself close to them, or they are in my life for the long-term. I'm not saying it to prove anything or to make a big deal of it, so why go to any effort beyond that?

It's not that Shakespeare was referring to the "seven ages" of life, that we all play different roles in our own lives at each stage? This is the meaning generally ascribed to the full quote from which "all the world's a stage" line is taken, AFAIK (This in reply to b9).

it does not really matter about the stages of life. any falsification of behavior that is inculcated by the desire to propound an image is an "act on a stage".

people comb their hair.
they get dressed on hot days.

people style themselves before they present themselves, and for me, that is a flaw. i do not care about presentation.

Honestly I don't care. I don't tell people about it and how else am I supposed to act to make people think I have something wrong with me? I could drool, I could wet my pants, make weird sounds or bang my head, or shriek to actually act different. Yeah I know I am being extreme here, I am just making a point. I can't tell other aspies have it either and they also come off as normal but I wouldn't tell them that because I know it will be taken the wrong way and be taken as an offense. I have only actually seen a few who were clearly different and you could tell they had something while the rest came off as normal and would blend in as the norm. I am not saying they don't have it.

So what is worse do you all think, it not being believable or it being obvious?

Some have said I'm lucky in a way because I'm not caught in the middle. And I agree with that.

The worst is possibly that so many people are still so ignorant about autism, and that they make dismissive judgments based on that ignorance.

The problem is that I think it's not quite that black and white.

People that I have disclosed to have been known to say 'I don't think you are', or 'it isn't obvious', and yet a vast majority of people in my life have been friendly enough to me for a short amount of time and then slowly cut me out because they sense something is 'off'.

I don't think for a second that they realise what it is that isn't quite right, but it's enough to make people not want to connect on a deeper level. And that's happened over and over again through my adult life. As a child the situation was different in that I couldn't even start to connect with people.

And I can identify what those things probably are - certain things I do, certain things I say and how I say them. I recognise it, once I've thought about it, but that doesn't mean I can change it in the moment.

It's very likely that nobody looks at me and thinks 'she's autistic'. It's very likely that those that I'm close enough to have not noticed enough to make them think that I am, but they're in the very small minority. Most people don't get anywhere near that far, because they've already decided that a friendship with me is not worth maintaining.

And as for (extended) family members, they see me doing my best 'NT act' nowadays. I think if they looked back over my childhood they'd possibly get the clearer picture, but I am very good at hiding what's going on in my head because I've always done that.

And of course, in order to make it so that people 'can't tell', I have to do things that I struggle with a lot. When I'm disclosing to someone, it's because they're a big part of my life and I'm hoping to be able to relax around them a bit more. So I might allow myself to be more at ease around them, but I still do a lot that is far out of my comfort zone and affects me a lot, just for the sake of socialising with these people and fitting in with the world around me.

People can't see what's happening in your head. My friends don't see the level of mental preparation and control that I put into attending a social event, or even meeting them for lunch, for instance.

I've never had this happen to myself, but I can certainly see why other Aspies get frustrated by it. Another shining example of deeply rooted misconceptions and stereotypes... *sigh*

I think it would be worse if people didn't believe it. I would hate for people to think I was making up.

It's obvious I have something. I've always been dreadfully shy and had trouble in social situations. It's often hard for me to carry on a conversation. I don't know when to start and end a conversation or what to do with my hands and face when I'm having one. I also think people are judging me because of my awkwardness which probably makes me more shy and awkward.

^^ I feel you're an excellent written conversationalist.

I'm probably pretty much better in the written form myself.

People in the "real world" believe there is "something wrong" with me. But they would probably be shocked if I told them about the autism.