Lazy v/s self care... where to draw the line...

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You know, in the past when I have done things like one small task on an otherwise nothing kind of day, it has proven a helpful reminder at some point. It can be hard to recall things I did though when I go on nothing mode. Hopefully writing down what I do can help me remember and keep some perspective. And agreed, it could very well help get the ball rolling.

I do tend to call myself a lazy person now and then and I like to think it has nothing to do with being harsh on me or being negative or whatever, but you might be onto something with that. I do have some issues attached to that. Hm. I'm gonna have to chew on this one.

I have been trying to remember what exactly has been going on in the last few months to better dissect this stuff. My spouse got to helping me recall the events of the last few months to help drop some perspective on my plate about all this. Late August I ended up in the er with bronchitis that was giving me asthma symptoms, my step son moved back in temporarily and we helped move his things, I helped my daughter move into her apartment and then she was at a party where people got shot, early Sept work and school started for the spouse, mid Sept. I had to see my mother (that always sets me off), had a trip to Ann Arbor, helped my other daughter do two deep cleanings, late Sept. had a homecoming thing for my step daughter, found out next months disability money is cut due to some error, and have been trying to coordinate a time to wrangle immediate family for my oldest daughter's bday party. That stuff is kinda on top of things like having to go out to buy groceries, pay bills, cook, clean, blah blah blah.

While it seems to me that I should be over that stuff, I might not be at all. I dunno. It just frustrates me that I'm not managing to do things I want to do around the house... like what is wrong with me that I can't even keep up with sweeping my floor, it's not that complicated of a thing to do. Except sometimes it is and I don't like that.

Yep. I'll do that to... set things in place, it works, I cannot seem to make things stick though. I am nothing if not consistently inconsistent in so many areas of my life. Kicker is, I need sameness and routine to be effective and I know this... so why won't things stick? Meh. I do know that I am overall better when I move my body on a regular basis. Walking, bouncing, stretching... these things always help me decompress. Maybe upping my energy output would be beneficial right about now. It's been awhile since I have walked any considerable distance. I used to walk several miles a day a few days a week and got out of the habit over the last few months due to heat/humidity... now it is cooler and I should be able to do that again. Huh. I actually miss that. Had not occurred to me how long it has been since I have done that. Good call.

Heh heh. Truth in them there words. A few years back I did a bit of a life overhaul and that included not being there for everyone every time they came to me with demands/requests. It was a healthy boundary type thing. It amazed me at the things some of those people said to me... I got called everything from lazy to b****. It was over stupid things too. I have no problem helping people when I can and however I can, but not to the point it becomes detrimental to my own well being. I also dislike helping people who refuse to do things for themselves. That never seems like helping to me, rather encouraging them to be lazy and/or self destructive.

Luckily this time I seem to be the only one in my life calling myself lazy.

Sweetie, it seems like the down time did you well as you seem to have a much better, well, to me as the reader, more coherent insight in what is going on. So well done!

It sounds like you had lots on your plate, more than you realized and that combined with less movement time, voila, it might be that simple.

I believe it was Kraftiekortie that wrote something like 'depression is feeling stuck'. Like literally not being able to move.

Maybe some kind of freeze reaction due to stress/anxiety? Sometimes in the past I learned that one can react to anxiety by fight, flight or freeze.

Maybe this can explain the cycle of alternating between down time, getting tasks done and self-care and the feelings getting all jumbled together because they can either be the cause or reaction either from or to some kind of stress?

Hm. Just writing out loud here, hun. No idea if this helps I am just happy to read you here again

that in itself sounds to me like an achievement to be celebrated! it sounds like you've managed to get to the point where setting or maintaining that kind of boundary with people doesn't have to be a conscious effort anymore. it's an invisible habit but i think it's a huge deal. it's something i never managed to accomplish

i guess the problem with prioritizing is that i often can't see what i'm prioritizing against, and only in retrospect i can see that i couldn't see what i was prioritizing against. all i can see is what i'm not doing. then i instinctively (and sometimes compulsively) randomize certain things in search of an input that will lead me to a realization, because logical analysis just doesn't get me there. which of course further compounds the lack of structure, but it's the only way how i learn. i think that's why i don't fully understand what regret means. i feel bad for what i'm not doing in the present, but i don't feel bad for mistakes i've made in the past. if it can be fixed, i do something to fix it. if it can't, then i learned something. because i'm such a mystery to myself, every pattern learned is an achievement. and every helpful pattern turned into an instinctive habit is an even bigger achievement

one of the most helpful things i've learned over the years is to identify tunnel vision when it happens (and it's one of the main signs of the type of depression that i tend to experience). it doesn't change the fact that, at that moment, all i can see is emptiness (all thoughts lead to the conclusion that there is no point to anything), but it allows me to remind myself that the problem is my perception (the reason why there is no point to anything is because none of it solves the immediate physiological problem that i need to solve. but something will. and that immediate physiological problem often seems like it is lack of sex, but it's not. increased sexual urges are just a sign that my body and brain are reverting to a more primitive state because other functions are impaired). it's a sign to look at things systematically. at that point, eliminating the cause of my current tunnel vision is supposed to be my priority (after honoring previous commitments or properly freeing myself from them, which does take a lot more time if i'm depressed or overwhelemed, and i try to cut myself some slack for it as long as i'm not just leaving everything exactly as it is)

to-do lists are always problematic (i keep switching from one method to another because of that effect of long-overdue tasks piling up and becoming part of scenery), but one thing i try to remember is that one of the most important aspects of "getting things done" is realizing what doesn't actually have to be done. if i notice that a to-do item has become part of the scenery, that means that i should either do it right now or that it's actually not as important or time-sensitive as i thought, so it should be moved to the secondary list that stays out of my sight (no fancy categorization. just two lists, "now" and "later"). once in a while i'll scan that secondary list, and by the time i do that, usually at least half of the tasks in it are either clearly irrelevant or already done

another technique i like to use is what i call "no BS". it's a quick litmus test to check for laziness. the scenario: everything seems to be okay, but something's bothering me anyway and i can't tell what it is. there's a pretty good chance that what's bothering me is simply the fact that i'm not doing something i know full well i'm supposed to be doing but don't feel like doing. so why am i not doing it? "because i don't feel like it and i need to give myself a break". but do i really need to give myself a break at this point? won't i actually feel better if i <exercise / take out the trash / etc.>? "yeah i guess. but i'm comfy here and the world isn't going to end if i do it tomorrow instead". yeah but what's different about tomorrow? "i don't like where this is going". sure i don't. "point is, there's no reason to do it today instead of tomorrow". yes there is. because no BS! "lol i can't argue with that"



if that works, then i know it's laziness, and it solves the problem. i don't remember if i ever did go through that entire inner dialogue, but nowadays i just go straight from "i don't waaaannna" to "no BS!" in my head. i don't insist though. it either works or it doesn't, and i leave it that. the point is to call myself out on it, not to add pressure

Even though its a pain now and then, what helps me the most is getting all the chores done, then taking care of things as they need to be done, as in you don't let the dishes pile up you wash them right after your finished with them, etc, you will be amazed at how much extra time you will make your self if you keep on top of it all as you go along. It only takes about an hour or so a day to keep the chores done when you keep on top of them, but when you let them slide it seems so overwhelming to catchup.

Thank you. Yeah, I'm trying to get a grip on this stuff. I get stuck in the middle of it all and I lose sight of any and everything. Brain just stops working and yeah...

I can look back and say that sure, I did have lots going on, but it still seems as though I also had ample bounce back time. I dunno. But agreed, one or two things additionally out of place, especially when it comes to things that help keep me grounded and centered... yep. That might just be what has been doing me in here.

No, yeah that is helpful. There was a time in life where I would tell people that they could tell how I was doing by how clean my stairs were or were not. Often cleaning helps me tremendously. I struggle to function in a mess, but somehow I always seem to be living in one. I suck at moderation and I know if I go all out clean mode then I pay for it, but I never remember that until it's too late. Unless the spouse is around and starts fussing at me to sit down. Heh heh. So yeah, the sit, do, sit, do... while it is necessary for my physical health, it can be problematic to my mental health. They do sometimes end up being both cause and reaction at the same time.

Lawd I'm a wreck. Heh it's a damn good thing perfection is not my end goal.

Yep. I hit my done spot a few years back and that actually stuck. These days I wonder why/how I let it get so bad to begin with. I guess it was just normal to me. I dunno. It really freaked a lot of people out though.



I understand that. I tend to say that I play connect the dots with minutia. I'm really just looking for some kind of pattern in my life/self/reality to try understand what the hell is going on and what to do to either keep it up or make it stop. Often enough after time has passed I can spot things and be all, oh yeah... derp derp derrr should'a seen that... but not until later and if I am able, hopefully I can recall next time and save myself the headache. I don't know how to do regret either. Maybe it is because I see oops moments as possible learning moments. I know that is sometimes true with me... other times once a thing is done, it just vanishes from my mind. My memory is crap.



I ought to try that approach. In the past I have hit places where my mind goes to a mantra of sorts that is more or less the idea that everything is temporary even when it seems that all I know in a moment is all I ever have or ever will know. Temporary always seems very important, and it is, but it is also neglecting the fact that it is just my own perceptions. I'll try to remember to add that into the mantra mix.



The post it's become scenery to me.. of the ugly yellow variety. I don't know how to know what does or does not need to be accomplished. I kinda live a life where I don't have to do much. I have two bills I am responsible for paying. I don't have a car of my own and my spouse is gone with the car for the bulk of the week. The things I have to do tend to be things I want to do because it helps me not see myself as a blob. Fact is, no one but me cares if I make dinner, sweep the floor, wash clothing... my spouse is messy and the kids are grown and mostly moved out. I love on this planet, but I kinda live in my own world as well.



I like that. Sounds as though you have a good balance with that... a non oppressive type of reality check.

Agreed. A giant mess makes me freeze right up for a bit. Where do you even being to start with such a thing? Oy. Some things I can manage to keep up with decent enough... dishes tend to be a chore I do alright with but I think that's because I find them calming. Dusting on the other hand seems to stress me out and I never notice things need to be done until you can write your name in the stuff. I probably should not admit to that, huh...

@dossa, i don't remember if you've mentioned it before: are stimulants an option for you / have you ever tried any / do you take any? it doesn't cure or even solve anything on its own (and sometimes it does add more complications than it subtracts. it takes some getting used to until you figure out how/when to use it and how/when not to), but it's not the kind of drug you need to take regularly (and most of the time it's actually better if you don't). it has been very helpful to me. i don't think i would have been able to work my (freelance) job for so long without ritalin (3 years now)

and actually i only started after i finally managed to get a prescription. before that, my therapist had told me repeatedly that he was convinced i was completely unfit for employment and would most likely never be able to support myself financially (and i had never had any real job. to this day i have never been employed)

mostly i think stimulants are good not so much to maintain a routine, but to break bad cycles instead (or when you really need to get something done, or when you know you would end up in trouble in a certain situation if you can't be more focused than usual). it takes its toll sometimes, but it gives you a sort of "turbo mode". when it helps you get done with something that would keep weighing you down, it's worth it. because afterwards you'll be tired, but it will be okay to be tired

I currently am not on any medications. More often than not I have negative side effects to meds so I stopped trying to find any that help, though I have never been on any ADHD meds. With all that I have been dx'd with over the years, ADHD is one thing I have not bee told I have. Go figure. I have no idea if those types of drugs would speed me up or level me out or what. The only stimulant I was ever on was Cafergot. I do not recall any negative side effects, but I do not recall any benefits either. Though it is fair to note that I took it for headaches and the discomfort from that was kinda all I could think about at the time. I don't like feeling sped up though. I also get med paranoid due to past experiences with them.

yeah if you're wary of medications then it's probably better to go with your gut and not take any unless it's the only apparent solution to some crisis

some people say that "if you have adhd, stimulants will calm you down, and if they don't calm you down, then you don't have adhd", and some doctors seem to believe that, but it's an oversimplification. i've learned to account for possible undesired effects (and they can be very significant, even from small doses sometimes), but i'm still clueless as to what effects a large dose of ritalin will have on any given day

yesterday i had a large job i needed to finish, and i ended up taking maybe 50mg throughout the day (i normally only take 10mg or nothing). i was very focused, very calm and in a very good mood, and then i didn't have any trouble going to sleep, and i woke up in a good mood today. it's not the first time it works so well, but still, it's not what usually happens

so why did it work so well this time?

From my experience, I've come to believe that the word "lazy" is just something people call me when I refuse and/or have no interest in doing what they want me to. Not things like "take a shower because you smell awful," but things like "come help me do something that most people would not do unless they're being paid $15 an hour, and come do it for free."

Glad it all turned out alright for you. It's nice when things can get done effectively and it all ends with a good nights sleep. It is weird though... how sometimes a thing goes one way then not so much other times. Have you figured out any patterns to why it works better or not? I'd be poking that with a stick and writing down what was going on not only that day but a day or two before as well to keep for future reference when a similar result occurred again to compare. And then hope I did not lose the paper and/or forget about it next go round.

I think it's messed up when people do things like that... make demands on other people then act all put out when others do not jump to take care of their problems. That is why I will never own a pick up truck. You own one of those and people start calling you twice a month to help them move so they don't have to pay movers or rent a uhaul. Like you have nothing better to do with your life than lug furniture for them. I'd find it less annoying though if the people who called for free things were people who were somehow close to me, but if you have an ability people pay others for... folks crawl out of the woodwork for that kind of thing sometimes. Meh.