Please Explain The Thought Process Involved With Eye Contact

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When I make eye contact, that's what I focus on is the eye contact. If I'm not concentrating at looking someone in the eyes, I will end up looking away. And that concentration takes away resources that could go toward listening and comprehending the conversation. I feel that way because I see eye contact as very intimate, like you're changing in front of a window and notice your neighbor watching you.

I find it is hard to focus on listening to someone and looking at them at the same time, whereas with neurotypicals apparently looking at a person helps them focus on listening. Also it can be quite uncomfortable with people I don't know, not exactly sure why.

I am never comfortable with prolonged eye contact and don't believe it's necessary for conversation. When talking I do glance at the eyes from time to time but don't try to stare at their nose, etc. It just feels uncomfortable and wrong to me to lock on someone's eyes, and I can't think clearly when I do so. I've read that in some cultures prolonged eye contact is considered rude and threatening. That's definitely true with animals. If you stare at an aggressive dog he regards that as a threat.

For me it feels like eyes are the window of the soul, so when i make eye contact its like they can see into my soul and its very uncomfortable.

I have to think about reading their eyes. Everyone has to think about processing words. I don't parallel process very well-- I can only multitask well if one task is a rote activity, like washing dishes or sweeping.

If I look, then I try to read. Then I don't think about that enough to do it right, or think about their words enough to process them correctly. It's why I end up telling idiots who still try to make me NT that they can have my eye contact OR my attention, not both.

It's also uncomfortable. It activates fight-flight-freeze or something-- and nobody focuses well on anything but dealing with the hungry tiger with their circuits all full of stress hormones. Adrenaline is not conducive to intimacy or understanding or retention or anything like that.

That's very interesting and I agree. Something primal is going on.

I may be using the word 'paranoia' inncorectly but the word has been ingrained into me from my late teens. The last shrink I saw said I was not suffering from paranoia and was suffering from anxiety ( the first professional to ever tell me that , the first shrink I saw was when I was 17 ) , it's like believing ( for over 20 years ) that a cat is actually a dog , when you actually get told it's a cat you can accept it but are still used to calling it a dog and will still call it a dog sometimes.

I disagree with this. I can't look at a person for long and still concentrate - MAYBE, I'm Aspie.

You can have symptoms and still not have Asperger's.

For most people conversation is like dancing. Your facial expressions and body language sync with the other person as you converse. And do so unconsciously. So you're expected to make eye contact. But you dont stare atfolks in the eye constantly.

Did you ever enter a dark room where you cannot immediately turn on the light? What did you do then? Did you continue to try using your poor vision to guide yourself around the room? Or did you "switch off" your sight and try using your sense of hearing or sense of touch?

This is what I do when talking with other people; I "switch off" my sight and focus on listening to the conversation and planning what I will say (even this can be too much multi-tasking). When I "switch off" my eyesight, I do not get any input from my eyes, so they could be looking anywhere (staring uncomfortably at the person or usually ignoring them).

I cannot maintain eye contact and focus on what is being said.

Prolonged eye contact provokes a fight or flight response in me.

I know only that my own thought processes regarding eye contact are an awkward vicious cycle that starts with feeling I need to meet someone's eyes when they start talking to me, to 'show' I'm listening. Then, really uncomfortable eye contact for a few seconds until breaking it off again. The cycle starts over, as I'll start thinking 'they won't know I'm listening', again.

Often people talking to (with) you seek to communicate with facial expression, body language, etc., or so I've read. I don't do this but know it's true, even if the other person does so unconsciously.

When I experience this I can see something going on but I'm mute in that it's impossible for me to answer. It's as though the other person was saying something "extra" and were speaking in Swahelly, at the same time as the English conversation. This varies from person to person...Some people don't seem so..... ????? (attentive, interested, curious???)

I suppose if I were a dog I'd just wag my tail (or what-ever). Hmmmmm! Maybe this is merely a trait left behind from our evolutionary path through our period without true speech during which we made do with "grunts and tail wagging?"

Feels good to me!

Yup, I agree with Sweeleaf, at least to how it is for us NTs. I naturally look at a person's face and eyes when they speak.

I purposefully look at autistic people's faces much less because I can tell that the eye contact freaks them out. It is too intense of a look when I look at their eyes.

I have never in my life been able to look anyone directly in the eyes without feeling extremely uncomfortable. I must have figured out a long time ago how to successfully emulate looking somebody in the eyes and have got through daily life like this. Only just recently have I admitted to doing this to one person, my partner. Clearly the way I have been through my entire life has worked because not even she, a partner of 10 years had any clue this was going on. I would love to be able to look at somebody in the eyes, but this happens on the most rarest of occasions only and usually when I'm at my sobbing worst, and only then for a second, usually in a desperate need to share a painful feeling that I am trying to tell someone about at that moment.

I come to question whether this is something I need to repair, or if this is something that I should be allowed to be ok with. If it makes me feel uncomfortable, don't do it? Or should I drive through the pain of what I think I would like to be? Just thinking of trying to look people in the eyes as NT's do, although logically even just a slight shift of my focus for me, makes me cringe!

I just clicked I never really shared my trick that has got me through all of these years, because maybe or not this might be useful for someone. I kind of look at the bridge of people's noses, but just ever so slightly down and right, closer to the eye socket. My focal length is probably mid through their brain so not looking through them but not easily focused at the point I'm describing I look at either. It's almost like looking with peripheral vision but direct on.

I remember as a kid (which is amazing in itself) it felt uncomfortable learning this, the uncomfortable feeling that people would notice I was not looking them directly in the eye, but obviously time taught to me that I could get away with it. With this learned skill I am able to bluff my social behaviors even more, but not sure if that's healthy?