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facilitate a talk between NT and Aspie

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somanyspoons
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Jun 2016
Age: 48
Gender: Male
Posts: 995

12 Mar 2017, 11:21 pm

red1818 wrote:
B19 wrote:
People have very strong feelings about ABA and goals of "normalisation" of any kind (though particularly ABA, because of abusive practices that have been allied to it). Most neurodiverse people want the same as NTs do - acceptance and respect, and there are some hot topics which are best avoided. The two topics most likely to signal non-acceptance and lack of respect to AS people - even when not deliberately intended - are talk of cures and ABA. Some AS people won't mind, though most will. If you can't avoid them, then at least take a back seat in the conversation, and listen to AS views on this, rather than start by offering your own. This signals respect, and respect is the basis of good communication, more especially when talking to members of minority groups who don't share your NT privilege. You can't help having NT privilege - you didn't choose it - but you do have it, and so if you are the one to make the imaginative leap, the leap to understanding what it means to not have neurotypical privilege, to live without having it - then a richer conversation becomes possible.


Thank you!
I see now and do feel now that it is not a good topic to mention. If I may ask you an honest question (with No mean intention behind it). Most of AS communicate exceptionally well online. I can't tell unless they tell me they are on the Autism Spectrum. I am not sure if I should ask in advance to avoid misunderstanding. The page i am participating in have people with AS, caregivers, parents of children on AS and other people who support Autism awareness. Would it be kind of rude to ask people if they are on AS or should I just try to avoid certain topics and try to have my communication short and clear all the time until they choose to tell me.


That depends on the context. If you are on a forum like this one, it is completely acceptable to ask if they are on the spectrum, as long as you do so politely. The same goes for autism groups on FB. But in the real world, or in a group that is not specifically about autism, you should wait for people to volunteer that information. It's not polite to ask if someone has a disability or difference in the larger community, even if it's clear that something is different. They might not want to identify that way.

When it comes to ABA and vaccines, it's probably best to not bring it up in public. A couple of times, I felt called to talk to parents about some of the weirder and more potentially harmful alternative "cures" they were trying for their autistic children. I did so in a private message. That went over much better. It did not cause attention to be drawn to the post and a fight did not break out.

You know, sometimes, fights just happen online. It stinks, but you can't know who's had a really terrible day when we are talking online. You can't tell who is on edge and might lash out irrationally. I don't know that keeping things short and clear is really going to help. But it might help to remember that if you do find that you've pushed someone's crazy button, and they are speaking irrationally, that you are your child's parent, not them. You are the one changing the diapers, getting bit when he has a meltdown and learning with him everyday. We can't come close to knowing as much about your son as you do. Having the same disorder as him doesn't change that. On the other hand, it does make sense to note some of the things that drive us to yelling. The lack of ability to say "no!" is a big one. That's an important thing for any parent to hear.

You can also bring up the specifics of what you are doing with ABA without using that term. You can just say that we did therapy to help him communicate and toilet train. The thing is that ABA is now so big that there are a lot of different ABA styles. Some of it is horrific child abuse. Some of it is so mild and child-centered that ABA's founders would be offended that we still call it ABA. The people who are yelling at you for it are thinking about the harsher version. And no, you can't convince people that your version of ABA is OK. It's already an emotional trigger. They are filled with that emotion, especially if they are from my generation and they were exposed to abuse called "therapy."



red1818
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 12 Mar 2017
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 9

13 Mar 2017, 2:39 am

somanyspoons wrote:
red1818 wrote:
B19 wrote:
People have very strong feelings about ABA and goals of "normalisation" of any kind (though particularly ABA, because of abusive practices that have been allied to it). Most neurodiverse people want the same as NTs do - acceptance and respect, and there are some hot topics which are best avoided. The two topics most likely to signal non-acceptance and lack of respect to AS people - even when not deliberately intended - are talk of cures and ABA. Some AS people won't mind, though most will. If you can't avoid them, then at least take a back seat in the conversation, and listen to AS views on this, rather than start by offering your own. This signals respect, and respect is the basis of good communication, more especially when talking to members of minority groups who don't share your NT privilege. You can't help having NT privilege - you didn't choose it - but you do have it, and so if you are the one to make the imaginative leap, the leap to understanding what it means to not have neurotypical privilege, to live without having it - then a richer conversation becomes possible.


Thank you!
I see now and do feel now that it is not a good topic to mention. If I may ask you an honest question (with No mean intention behind it). Most of AS communicate exceptionally well online. I can't tell unless they tell me they are on the Autism Spectrum. I am not sure if I should ask in advance to avoid misunderstanding. The page i am participating in have people with AS, caregivers, parents of children on AS and other people who support Autism awareness. Would it be kind of rude to ask people if they are on AS or should I just try to avoid certain topics and try to have my communication short and clear all the time until they choose to tell me.


That depends on the context. If you are on a forum like this one, it is completely acceptable to ask if they are on the spectrum, as long as you do so politely. The same goes for autism groups on FB. But in the real world, or in a group that is not specifically about autism, you should wait for people to volunteer that information. It's not polite to ask if someone has a disability or difference in the larger community, even if it's clear that something is different. They might not want to identify that way.

When it comes to ABA and vaccines, it's probably best to not bring it up in public. A couple of times, I felt called to talk to parents about some of the weirder and more potentially harmful alternative "cures" they were trying for their autistic children. I did so in a private message. That went over much better. It did not cause attention to be drawn to the post and a fight did not break out.

You know, sometimes, fights just happen online. It stinks, but you can't know who's had a really terrible day when we are talking online. You can't tell who is on edge and might lash out irrationally. I don't know that keeping things short and clear is really going to help. But it might help to remember that if you do find that you've pushed someone's crazy button, and they are speaking irrationally, that you are your child's parent, not them. You are the one changing the diapers, getting bit when he has a meltdown and learning with him everyday. We can't come close to knowing as much about your son as you do. Having the same disorder as him doesn't change that. On the other hand, it does make sense to note some of the things that drive us to yelling. The lack of ability to say "no!" is a big one. That's an important thing for any parent to hear.

You can also bring up the specifics of what you are doing with ABA without using that term. You can just say that we did therapy to help him communicate and toilet train. The thing is that ABA is now so big that there are a lot of different ABA styles. Some of it is horrific child abuse. Some of it is so mild and child-centered that ABA's founders would be offended that we still call it ABA. The people who are yelling at you for it are thinking about the harsher version. And no, you can't convince people that your version of ABA is OK. It's already an emotional trigger. They are filled with that emotion, especially if they are from my generation and they were exposed to abuse called "therapy."


This!

Thank you for answer all my questions and throw in some more tips. Also, i am thankful for all these above explanations making it easy for me to understand. :D :D :D